Heaven Forbid
by stereochick
Summary: Instead of running away after Darry hits him, Ponyboy stays at home. The next night, something terrible happens as a result. Now Pony is dealing with the repercussions and has to learn how to trust his brother again. Warning: mature content in first chap
1. Chapter 1

Clique… yes, definitely. But I tried my best to give it a unique spin and I'd appreciate it being given a chance. It's got some graphic bits in the first chapter, but it shouldn't be too detailed following that. Thanks for reading.

**Heaven Forbid**

Heaven forbid you end up alone and don't know why  
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

"I can't believe he hit me." Ponyboy said once again. He turned and looked at Johnny with incredulity. "Can you believe it?" It had happened last night, but he had yet to shut up about it. Just as he'd gone to run out the door, Darry had caught up with him and wrapped his arms around him keeping him in his place. He'd struggled, wanting to run, but he'd held him like that for nearly 5 minutes while he cried himself nearly hoarse and struggled something awful, and when he was finally let go he couldn't help feeling exhausted. Too much had happened. It had only been one day, but it had been a long day and he was ready to sleep.

He'd gone to his bedroom without another word to his oldest brother though Darry tried and tried to get a response from him in recognition of his apology. He had changed, getting into bed, hoping he could be asleep before Soda came in. There was nothing he wanted to hear on Darry's behalf and he would probably snap at him if Soda tried. He heard Sodapop come in a little later but he had pretended to be asleep and didn't stir when he wished him a good night.

It was night now, and with it being a Saturday they were out late once more. Somewhere deep down he was afraid of upsetting Darry again and eliciting the same reaction from him. But he also was angry and he wanted to prove that his brother didn't scare him.

"Well, can ya?" Pony snapped, looking at his best friend for a response.

Johnny had gone silent. He was always silent but this time he looked a bit hurt. "Yeah, I can." He finally said, and he didn't seem to want to talk after that.

Pony wanted to apologize. This sort of thing always seemed to happen to him because he couldn't keep his big mouth shut. Of course Johnny knew what it was like to be hit by his family. Hell, he was always being hit by his family. And here Ponyboy was complaining about being slapped for actually doing something wrong and he went and whined about it when Johnny never protested once. What a fool he'd made of himself.

"Aw, Johnny, I didn't me-" he froze, seeing unmistakable headlights as they froze upon the two. Shit! They were out of their territory and at 12 O'clock at night! They might as well make out their own death certificates.

"Greasers!" he heard someone yelling to their friends. He was scared stiff and Johnny moved closer to him but he dared not look back to see if he was all right. It was as though they were deer frozen in the headlights. They were damn close, and it was too late to run. He could only hope there were few enough of them for the odds to be even.

The ignition turned off but the headlights remained on as they stepped out of their cars. They weren't able to see the Soc's faces, but theirs were unmistakable. "Well look what we have here, fellas! It's the two pieces of trash that tried to pick up Bob and Randy's girlfriends last night!"

The headlights turned off but they could see the outlines of three large older guys approaching them. He wished at this point that he carried some kind of switch or weapon of any kind. Johnny did, he knew, and he would use it if these guys tried to jump them. He knew that at least one of these guys would carry a blade, most likely more.

Johnny was standing as though ready to take them on, holding the knife with hands that only slightly shook.

He couldn't tell what was going on, could only make out the silhouettes of the three guys as one moved towards him and the other two moved towards Johnny. "You guys stay with him. Do what ever you want to him but don't let him come over here. I got business to take care of."

His two friends smirked and approached Johnny. Ponyboy could only watch in horror as the one standing in front of him pulled out a knife. Besides him he saw one of the Socs manage to kick the switch out of his hand with barely any effort. It looked like it could have been a martial arts move, and he wouldn't put it past one of these guys to know how to fight like that. He heard a gasp of pain from Johnny and hoped they hadn't broken his wrist in the process. They were now two against three and they were unarmed.

"Greaser, this will go a whole lot easier for you if you don't struggle so much. Go ahead though. I don't mind. I like it rough." The Soc said, gradually lowering his voice until he was practically whispering it in his ear. Ponyboy's eyes widened and he realized that they were not about to brawl. At least, this guy wasn't about to brawl with him. He whipped his head around to look at Johnny.

They were standing outside of an alley not close to anything in particular. Not too many people were around the area and no one he knew came here to hang out. None of his friends had known they were headed this way. They had just started walking and let their feet carry them.

His first instinct was to run. He didn't even consider the fact that he would leave Johnny alone; he needed to get out of here before this guy did something to him. This wasn't like two days ago. Those guys weren't trying to hurt him real bad. This guy… this guy might kill him. He might do something to him that Ponyboy was scared to even consider. There was a hand on his collar and a knife at his throat before he stopped struggling and started shaking.

He felt Johnny's presence being removed from behind him and he called out for him, but he was gone around the edge of the corner about three meters away. They both ganged up on him and were restraining or beating him up. "Don't worry about him. He's not gonna get half of what you're getting." With that he was pressed up against the wall and he could feel hands on his chest and breath on his neck.

He tried to struggle, but the guy in front of him was almost twice his size and probably a lot older than him. It was like trying to fight Darry. He never won when he fought Darry. He was just too much larger than him. Even the advantage of his speed and flexibility wasn't a match for sheer mass.

His jacket was removed and the coldness of the night became very apparent as it fell to the ground and his sleeveless tee shirt was all that remained. He was frozen in place out of fear, but he was shrewdly awakened from it as the larger guy's mouth connected with his and the Soc's tongue entered his mouth. He struggled out of the forced kiss but found he was bit hard on his lip and tongue. In another second his shirt joined his jacket on the ground.

The Soc's cold hands roughly moved over his bare flesh provoking involuntary shudders, and Pony's movements began getting jerky and he was fighting harder but he was slapped hard across the face and kicked in the leg and he fell to the ground. The Soc followed him and before he understood why his pants were undone and were sliding over his legs. Trying to scramble away with him so preoccupied at his waist, he earned himself a punch to the stomach. He nearly gagged, and his sensitive midsection screamed in protest. Oh God, this was really happening to him, wasn't it? He was really… he was going to be…

"Oh Greaser, you are one hot piece of ass, aren't you?" Ponyboy groaned loudly in pain and anguish. He was terrified out of his mind and there was nothing he could do to stop any of this. He could hear the sound of a belt being undone and another zipper as the Soc's pants were unfastened as well. All that remained of his clothing were his shoes and his boxers. After another three seconds all that remained were his shoes.

"Fuck…" the Soc said, nearly in a moan. He pulled Ponyboy to a sitting position and entered his mouth again. He could feel something against his leg and he couldn't help it anymore. He started to cry.

He felt hands moving down the length of his body. He could feel them touching him and squeezing him and he sobbed. "Shit." The soc said. "You're a young one, ain't you?" He paused as though he were going to reconsider what he was doing, but then Pony felt the man's hands moving further back and a finger entered him roughly. He squeaked in pain, horror and fear.

He could hear Johnny struggling further away. They had brought him further into the alley and were doing something to him that elicited cries of pain and though he continued to fight, Ponyboy could tell he would not escape in time to save him.

"You bite me you die." He heard through clenched teeth, and his mouth was invaded by something very different than a tongue. His saliva was hot and thick from his tears of horror and pain and the Soc seemed to enjoy it, thrusting his erection to the back of his throat and out again. Ponyboy could only sob and try to move away but he could feel hands on the back of his head keeping him in place as he coughed and sputtered.

The Soc's cock was removed and he was taken by the waist and put on his hands and knees. 'Oh, God! Please no!' he screamed to himself. He could not keep the words from pouring out of his mouth this time though.

"Please don't. Please! I'll do anything! Plea-he-hese. God, please. I don't want to! No!" But nothing could be done and he could feel himself being entered painfully and he bawled and cried and screamed as he was thrust into. A hand came forward to clamp around his jaw to keep him quiet, but it didn't do much. He felt like his entire body was on fire and he was bleeding and screaming and crying and shaking. He felt like he could die. He wanted to die. He wanted to be burned up in lava just so that he could be completely gone and he knew there was no way he would ever feel clean again.

"STOP! PLEASE! AHHHHHH!" and he called out for Johnny who he could hear sobbing loudly but the sound seemed to be coming from a mile's distance. "Johnny, come save me! Please." His voice had turned hoarse and he could not make himself heard. Behind him the Soc was moaning and saying dirty things and his hand was removed from Ponyboy's mouth and he touched him horrifically.

He could feel the Soc shudder as he came and then the thrusting ended and then the pain seemed to grow to an unbearable sensation but he could no longer feel the Soc's presence inside of him.

He was turned around and placed sitting on the ground causing him to cry out in pain and drawn into a long kiss before he was let go of entirely and the Soc moved away and began to dress himself. He turned back to Ponyboy and kicked him hard in the stomach, then again in the ribs.

He called for his friends to join him and before Ponyboy could know what was happening, they were gone. "Thanks you fucking Greaser! I haven't enjoyed myself so much since I fucked your mother." They laughed uproariously but he wasn't paying attention and he couldn't respond, only cry and shake.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks everyone for your positive feedback. This is my first multi-chaptered story in years, and given the subject matter, I'm sure you can imagine I was a bit hesitant when deciding whether or not to post it. Updates should be relatively quick. Thanks for reading.

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**Heaven Forbid **

Lying on the ground in pain and terror, Pony could only curl up and hope everything would be ok. "Johnny!" he cried out and prayed they had left his best friend unharmed.

"Ponyboy!" he heard. The voice seemed to be weak and Johnny was still crying, but he didn't seem to be in any pain and his friend seemed to be lingering behind the wall of the alley.

"Johnny." He wailed. It was all he could do to latch onto one phrase and repeat it and when he finally felt his friend's presence he could only cry and hold onto his best friend's leg.

"Oh God. Oh my God. God." His friend was saying to himself, his voice breaking as his words turned into sobs. Ponyboy knew Johnny couldn't see him too well, but that he was well aware of what had happened and he was in a state only slightly better than Ponyboy's own.

Johnny fell to his knees and Ponyboy cried into his lap horrified and traumatized. Johnny stroked his head and bent forward wailing uncontrollably. He caressed the smaller boy's hair and neck and seemed devastated and couldn't seem to move. Pony lay there for what felt like an eternity, clinging to the only source of familiarity he had.

Something seemed to snap within Johnny, though, and Ponyboy could feel his presence seem to shrink away and he grasped for his friend to return. Johnny walked over a ways and returned with the younger boy's clothes and set about dressing him, trying to stifle his moans and sobs.

Ponyboy could not stop crying, but allowed for his shirt to be pulled over his head and his jacket to be placed around his shoulders. He hardly helped Johnny to accomplish this, but somehow Johnny managed to keep his patience in check and continued to work on it. He howled in terror as Johnny pulled his boxers over his legs but only clung to the boy's waist, doing nothing to stop him. He hurt so badly. All he wanted was to be home. All he wanted was to erase the past half-an-hour of his life. Go back to a time when he was pure. When the only thing he cared about was that his brother had smacked him, and not harshly.

As Johnny zippered his jeans he felt as though he couldn't bear to ever go on living. He wanted to have lost so much blood that he died out here in this street. He didn't want to return back to his house. He didn't want to see his brother's horrified and disgusted faces. He never wanted anyone to know of what had happened. He wished Johnny would forget as well. The shame washed over him in such a torrent, he curled himself into a ball despite the pain it evoked.

Johnny grabbed him around the middle and dragged him to his feet. They wobbled as though they were made of something less firm than jello and he would have fallen if not for Johnny's presence. "Please be able to walk." Johnny muttered. "Please Ponyboy, try and walk. We need to get out of here." He sounded so desperate that Ponyboy knew he must try.

Taking a step forward he cried out in pain and almost fell but again was caught by Johnny. "Just take it one step at a time, Pony. We need to get home and I'm too small to carry you."

He took another step and another. He burned horribly but if it would get them home then he would bare though it.

The going was slow. They traveled for about half an hour and only made it two blocks. It would be dawn before they made it back to the house. "Pony, we need to get help. We need to find a phone to call your brothers." Johnny's voice was broken and dead from the ordeal and Pony could only nod.

"I think I saw one on 6th Street." He whispered, luckily loudly enough for Johnny to hear. Pony paused as he realized it would be a 3 block walk to make it there. Johnny noticed this and let them set for a moment before they set out.

"Pony… get on my back, I'll see how far I can make it so you won't have to walk for a little bit." He offered and Ponyboy was too tired and fearful too argue. Wrapping his arms around Johnny's neck, he allowed his weight to be supported by his slightly larger friend and felt the back of his knees grabbed hold of. That nearly proved too uncomfortable for him to bear following the events of that night, but he forced himself not to move in anyway that wouldn't help Johnny out.

Johnny nearly managed to keep hold of him for two-thirds of the way there, and he was immensely grateful for the fact that he had, because Pony doubted he would have made it otherwise. He managed to walk the rest of the way and collapsed on the curb when the phone booth came into sight

Johnny dialed the number and told Darry where they were but said nothing else. As they sat waiting, Ponyboy was reminded of something.

"I don't want Darry or Soda to know what happened tonight." Pony confessed in a hoarse voice, and looked away when he saw the wide-eyed expression on Johnny's face. "I don't want you to tell no one, Johnny."

Johnny looked torn in two between his best friend who had just been raped and the people who were like family to him. Who were family to Ponyboy and who Ponyboy didn't feel comfortable confiding in. Sure, Ponyboy was probably feeling ashamed about it now, but there was no way he was going to be able to keep from telling anyone about what had happened. He'd have to tell Soda and Soda would tell Darry.

"I won't tell them. But I want you to." He said, his face not giving in to the look of distress on the younger boy's face. "You have to. If you don't tell them then I will."

Pony looked devastated and couldn't help feeling slightly angry, but he said nothing in response. He was still shaking from the ordeal, but it began to get worse. His teeth started chattering and Johnny moved forward to hug him. To keep him warm and offer what little comfort he could.

"God, I'm so sorry Ponyboy. I'm so sorry. I should have protected you. I should have done something. This is my fault, and I'm so so sorry. You can hate me Ponyboy. You can, I won't be mad. I deserve it."

"God, Johnny. Oh my God. I-I want my mom." He had the dignity to whisper the last part, but he knew Johnny heard. "'s not your fault." Of course it wasn't. Two large Socs with knives against skinny little Johnny Cade? God, it would have been a miracle if he'd managed to escape, let alone do anything to stop it.

He was just glad Johnny hadn't watched. Hadn't watched him be a coward and allow some Soc to rape him.

Johnny was shaking as he hugged Pony, and he knew it was because he was bawling. Sobbing out of guilt and horror. He wanted for Ponyboy to have not gone through that just as much as he himself did.

"Can I tell them tomorrow?" he asked fearfully. He knew there was no way he could go through with it tonight. There just was no way. All he wanted was a steaming shower and to sleep for 14 hours without nightmares.

"Course." He heard Johnny say in-between sobs.

"Just tell them we got jumped tonight. I'll tell 'em tomorrow what he… did."

He pulled Johnny into another embrace but let go as he saw headlights heading towards them. He started shaking again, but the window rolled down and Darry was there, telling them to get in the truck.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Well, as much as one can enjoy something of this content... Review if you want to.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks to everyone for the great feedback for this story. I'm looking for constructive criticism, so don't hold back with your opinions. I value them greatly. Thanks for reading.

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**Heaven Forbid **

Darry unlocked the passenger-side door to allow them to get in with a glower.

Ponyboy shook harder when he recognized that Darry was upset. He looked at Johnny beseechingly, silently asking for a buffer between himself and the anger of his brother. Johnny got in first and Pony could see Darry was a bit annoyed by this and Johnny could tell. His friend leaned into him in a cross between protecting Pony from Darry and trying to escape him as well.

"God, you two got into it with someone, didn't you?" Darry asked, his teeth were clenched as he spoke, trying to restrain his anger. He paused and gave them a good look over and looked slightly concerned. "You all right?"

Johnny was making scuffing noises as he held in sobs. He sniffled slightly and nodded. Ponyboy couldn't say anything. He was frozen.

"Well what'd you two idiots think was going to happen when you're out of our end of town at 1 in the morning? What the hell were you thinking?" his voice was raised and Pony wanted to get out of the car and run as far and as fast as he could. Too bad he could barely walk.

His trembling was starting to become almost outrageous. Even Johnny was shaking just by sitting next to him. Not that he wasn't all ready. "Don't you know I have to be at work tomorrow? You think every time you want to walk around I'm just gonna stay up until 1 AM so that you can have a ride home when you get lost or tired?"

Pony was starting to notice his breathing was becoming uneven and he couldn't seem to fill his lungs. Johnny wrapped his arms around him but he still felt panicked. He was glued to his seat, but the need to flee overtook him.

"And what were you doing in this part of town anyway? You don't know anyone here! You're lucky you just got off with a licking. You have no idea what could have happened to you out here."

Pony was getting ready to burst into tears and beg for his brother to stop, but Johnny was one step ahead of him. "Will you quit it, Darry? You're terrifying him so just shut your mouth!" he said.

Pony had never heard Johnny talk back to any one. It had been shock enough the previous night when he'd heard the small boy stand up against Dally, but Darry? His brother who was near twice his size? He himself had been talked back to a couple of times but only when he really deserved it. He whipped his head around in surprise. Even Darry turned to look with a stunned expression, narrowly missing an accident.

"Don't you say another word in that tone of voice to your brother tonight!" Johnny said very seriously. There was complete silence in the car up until they arrived home apart from the gasps and wheezes of Pony as he tried to calm down and avoid having a panic attack and Johnny as he tried to talk him through it. Darry seemed to be angry, but was biting his tongue. He was making grunting noises, but he didn't say anything. Whether it was because he was obeying Johnny or because he realized the effect that his words were having on his brother could not be determined.

"Johnny, please stay here tonight. Please." Ponyboy half-whispered, in some ways not wanting Darry to hear but hoping he would in others. Johnny looked over at Darry and his older brother nodded only slightly. His best friend turned back to Pony and gave him a reassuring half-grin.

Darry got out and though Johnny moved around him and was in front of him first, his brother was the one to take hold of him. He gently lifted Ponyboy into his arms and brought him into the house. It scared Pony, though, and he wanted to be put down. He didn't feel comfortable just yet being touched (Johnny being the exception), and Darry being so large scared him terribly as he remembered how he'd compared his size with the Soc's.

He kept himself from panicking, however, only slightly, and was relieved when he was put down on the couch, even if it did pain him. Johnny arrived moments later and sat beside him, again closer than was necessary.

"Get a shower and clean yourselves up you two. Try not to wake Soda up when you go in to sleep." Pony nodded and watched his brother retreat to his room, breathing a sigh of relief when he was gone.

He didn't know how and why but Darry was scary to him now. He'd never really gotten along with his eldest brother since his parents died and he'd always had a sort of respectful avoidance of him – of making him angry or doing anything that might earn his undesired attention – but for the first time he was actually fearful of having his brother's wrath brought upon him. After the previous night's incident, this was a real fear in his mind.

"Johnny?" he asked quietly, slightly embarrassed. Johnny turned his head away from the closed door at which he had been staring despondently. "Will… will you sit with me in the bathroom while I get my shower?" he asked it only because he knew there was no way he would have been able to do it on his own.

Johnny nodded, not looking uncomfortable with it, as Pony feared he would. Johnny stood up and grabbed him, pulling him to his feet and helping him make his way to the bathroom, depositing him on the toilet seat. He left, and Ponyboy couldn't help but feel slightly abandoned by it.

Somewhere over the course of the evening, he'd begun to rely on his best friend's presence being there. Something about the way Johnny had taken care of him and fought to save him from the Soc had registered to him a great deal. He was the only person he felt like he could trust whole-heartedly just then and he needed that presence to keep him calm. He wasn't ready to be alone with his thoughts just yet. And with Johnny's inherent knowledge of how to take care of him, he was clinging to the only source of support he had just then.

Johnny returned a minute or so later with fresh clothes and a towel for him. He turned on the water, making it as hot as it would go – which, realistically, wasn't so hot.

Johnny helped him get to his feet, but then gave him his space while he undressed, being nearby but not close enough to make Pony feel threatened.

When he had undressed, he stood uneasily. He felt exposed and vulnerable standing naked just then and he turned away so he wouldn't have to see Johnny looking at him. He felt disgusting and dirty in a way that had nothing to do with any physical impurities. He felt a hand on his face pulling him towards Johnny and he looked into his best friends eyes to see no judgment or pity. Only reassurance and loyalty. He felt a rush of gratitude for this boy and he didn't know what he'd do without him with him right then.

Johnny helped him get under the flow of water and even stayed an extra two minutes just be sure he was able to handle it even though he got wet in the process.

He shut the curtain when he normally wouldn't have bothered and let himself merely stand under the water for about 2 minutes, but soon the dirty feeling returned. He opened his mouth and let the spray wash his mouth. Not as good a job as he would do later, but it would suffice for just then. He squeezed soap between his hands until he had a thick handful of foam then he set about covering every inch of his body with it. He scrubbed at his skin, using his fingernails to take off the top-most layer. He let the blood and sweat wash away down the drain. He paid special attention to anywhere he had been touched. Every few minutes or so he would call out to be sure that Johnny still remained in the bathroom with him. In the end he was in there nearly 30 minutes and there was an inch less soap on the bar then there had been. He didn't think the water had run that long in one day in his house since his parents had died. He had left no hot water when he called for Johnny to help him out.

He felt bad. Johnny had wanted a shower as well and he had used all of the hot water. The older boy wrapped the towel around him and lingered before pulling him into a full hug as though he had missed him while Pony had been in the shower. Johnny took initiative and helped him dry off completely and helped him change into loose fitting clothes he recognized as a pair of Soda's old sweats. He had brought in a towel and borrowed some clothes of Ponyboy's for himself.

"I used all the hot water, Johnny, I'm sorry." He said quietly. Johnny just shrugged, as if to tell him he didn't mind and would take it anyway.

"Pony?" Johnny asked uncertainly. "Do you think you could stay in here with me?" Pony smirked. If Johnny hadn't asked him to, he would have asked Johnny if he would allow him to stay. He wasn't ready just yet to be separated from his best friend.

"Don-don't get scared." Johnny said ominously.

"Why?" he asked. Johnny gave him a nervous look before he removed his shirt and Ponyboy understood what he'd meant by that. His entire back was covered in bruises and scars. From his parents, from rumbles, from the beating he had taken a few months ago. And now from tonight. He looked almost as if he was going to cry when he saw the horrified look that Ponyboy was shooting at him.

Pony thought about the way that Johnny had avoided giving him any judgmental looks over the course of the night. He'd been the best friend Pony could ever hope for. The least he could do was to try to treat him like he hadn't just grown two heads and avoid treating Johnny the way he'd been expected to be treated but hadn't been.

He cleared his face of emotion and looked at the wounds that Johnny had acquired that night that were still bleeding. "We've got to get those bandaged, Johnny. That one next your elbow looks deep."

Johnny nodded and shed his pants and boxers before starting the shower. Ponyboy wasn't able to look away from the black and blue marks all over Johnny's backside. They couldn't have been more than a few days old.

Just as he'd warned, it was cold and Johnny shivered as he entered. Pony felt horrible, but he was also glad he'd gone first. Nothing would have made him feel like he could breath again as well as the hot shower he'd just taken.

He struggled with it, but he made his way to his feet and grabbed the oversized towel Johnny had gotten and waited until his friend got out of the shower and opened the curtain before greeting him the same way he'd been greeted himself. He kept a hold on the small boy, warming him with his body heat until he had stopped trembling and was able to get dressed.

Johnny again helped Pony to make his way to his bedroom and got him into bed. Johnny turned and started to walk towards the living room but Pony spoke out loud, causing Soda to stir. "Come back!" Johnny turned and looked almost insecurely back.

"You sure?" he asked. Pony wasn't certain what was making Johnny so timid right then, but he nodded nervously, scared Johnny would refused.

"Pony, that isn't too big a bed…"

"We'll make room. Soda, scoot over." Miraculously his brother complied without investigation of what was going on. Johnny accepted the invitation, looking more relieved than anything. There wasn't a whole lot of room, even while Soda had moved, but they managed.

Pony put his arms around his best friend's chest and pulled him into an embrace. Johnny turned around and met it, letting Ponyboy burrow his head into his chest. Soda, who was vaguely aware of what was going on, smiled at having his little brother safe in bed with him and was surprised but content that Johnny lay next to him, embracing his brother, looking very protective of him. He looped an arm around his little brother's chest, knowing that with him and Johnny here, no one would be able to hurt him.

A/N: Thanks again for reading and reviewing. It really means a lot to me, and I'd love to get opinions whether they be positive or otherwise.


	4. Chapter 4

Once again, thank-yous go out to everyone's who's been reviewing. Again, I assert that all concrit is greatly appreciated and sought after. This chapter (The first paragraph to be precise) has got some mature content in it; so don't read if that offends you.

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**Heaven Forbid**

_Hands seemed to grab at him, cornering him against a wall. The button on his jeans had been undone, and he felt pressure against his leg that made him squirm. He made to call out but there was something forced into his mouth. He choked and cried and nearly vomited but as it was removed the pain returned. The fire that was set to consume him flared up and seemed to be burning him from the inside out. _

He awoke groaning and crying out. Someone had a hand on his shoulder, and he backed away from the contact, banging his head against something hard and falling back against pillows. Opening his eyes he recognized his brother's face and turned the other way to find Johnny, who allowed him to cling tightly to him. He shook and whimpered into his best friend's shirt, wanting to curl up in a ball and die.

"Pony?" he heard Soda's sweet voice. He felt a hand on his back and he didn't feel the urge to flinch, surprisingly. "You all right baby?" he heard.

"It's okay, it was just a dream." He heard Johnny whisper into his ear. But it wasn't. He knew it wasn't. He knew that it had happened merely hours ago. "It's all right, you're safe now, I'm right here. Everything's going to be ok." He was unused to Johnny using this tone of voice or being this comforting, but his heartbeat seemed to slow and he couldn't deny he was reassured.

He silently prayed to himself that he hadn't woken Darry up and poked his head up to check the doorway for him. He wasn't there but he could hear heavy footsteps approaching the room.

He turned towards Soda and grabbed his shirt and pleaded with his eyes. "Please, I don't want him to come in. Don't let him come!" He didn't know why the irrational fear of Darry all of the sudden, but he knew he'd panic if his oldest brother came near him.

Soda seemed to understand, even if Ponyboy didn't know how. He rolled off the bed and went to the doorway to head off Darry before he came in. Pony felt a bit lopsided as his brother's presence disappeared and turned back to Johnny but couldn't meet him in the eye. "What did I say?"

"Nothing. You just whined and cried out some. I couldn't hear any words or anything. Why didn't you want Darry to come in?"

Ponyboy couldn't answer, just turned away and prayed Johnny wouldn't ask him again. He could hear talking in the distance but he couldn't make out any words. Yawning groggily, he shut his eyes, feeling numbness where he knew pain would soon develop. He was too tired to focus on anything much. Soda returned a few minutes later and through his eyelashes, saw his brother give him a small sad reassuring grin. "Try and get back to sleep, Ponyboy. We're right here. Nothing's going to happen to you with us here, ok? I promise." His tone of voice suggested something akin to veiled unease, but he was too tired to put any thought into it. Pony tried to make himself pretend like this was one of his regular nightmares and that it wasn't based off of what had happened only hours ago.

Pony turned towards Soda and allowed himself to be wrapped in a loose hug, breathing in the familiar scent of his brother. It calmed his nerves and he was soon able to return to sleep. He felt Johnny drape himself against his back and Soda pull him close.

He awoke blearily later that morning. The pain of the previous evening seemed to have intensified over the course of the night, and while his nightmare had dashed away any real thoughts of it, he was suddenly quite aware of how stiff and uncomfortable he really was. To put it bluntly, he felt as though he'd gotten into a fight with a train and the train had won. He groaned in discomfort and burrowed his forehead in the soft thing beside him.

"Pone?" he heard softly, and he scowled as the thing he had his head propped against moved and resettled and he couldn't find the same restful position he'd been in previously. "How are you feeling?" he heard, and his shoulders grazed against soft fabric as he shrugged slightly.

"Hurts." Was all he could manage, and he felt a hand come to rest on the top of his head.

"Soda?" the same voice, which he could suddenly identify as Johnny's, called out.

"Whatsup?" he heard a bit groggily.

"Aspirin." He heard himself declare adamantly. "And water."

He imagined that his brother would probably react to that with fake indignation were the circumstances different, and he thanked the gods and mentally reminded himself that Soda was a very decent person for obeying him when he used that tone of voice.

He cracked his eyes open finally to survey his position and found his friend's keen stare on him. He breathed coarsely through his caked nostrils not wanting to imagine how he must look.

"Thank you." He mumbled quietly. It was a thought that had made its way through his brain filter, but he didn't regret it.

"Huh?"

"Thanks. For what you did for me." He said, but couldn't quite meet his friend's eyes considering what the thank you implied.

"Pony…" he heard, and Johnny didn't need to finish for him to get his point across. 'No thanks is necessary.'

"Got your aspirin." His brother told him, throwing the plastic bottle onto the bed and narrowly missing giving him an even bigger headache. Pony unscrewed the cap and discretely poured at least 6 pills into his palm before closing the bottle.

"You need any help sitting up?" Johnny asked quietly, knowing it would be rather suspicious if Soda noticed the trouble he was destined to have.

"So who'd you two get into a fight with? Glory, Johnny, you look terrible. They must have been pretty big, huh?" Pony nodded faintly, trying not to flinch in remembering what had happened last night.

"I don't… I don't want to talk about it just yet, Soda. I'll tell ya later, okay?"

"Let me know when you're ready, Pony, and you got my full attention." Soda told him. "For now, you need anything else?"

Johnny assisted him as he attempted to sit up, and he tried not to grimace at the pain this caused him in front of Soda. "You want me to give you a back rub or something? You look like you're in pain." He nodded in fervor, knowing if Soda couldn't make him feel better than nothing in the world could.

He was a bit wary at the idea of being touched with the details of what had occurred the previous night so fresh in his mind, but he trusted his brother more than anyone else on the earth, and he felt almost ashamed at the thought that he might be able to draw any kind of comparison between what had been done to him and the loving way his brother had always treated him over the course of his life.

His brother handed him the tall glass of water so he could take his painkillers, and sat behind him while Johnny nudged over to the other side of the bed, taking the bottle of aspirin and half full glass of water from him and taking a few pills himself. Soda dug his fingers into his brother's back, careful to be gentle enough not to hurt him, but firm enough to work the knots out of his back.

"Is Darry gone yet?" He questioned after a few minutes of silent relief.

Ponyboy could feel the lingering fingers on his back and he knew it was because Soda was worried. He remembered how he'd had to ask him to keep his eldest brother from coming into their room.

"Yeah, he's at work. He'll be back around 4." He didn't ask verbally, but Pony could sense the question in his tone as he resumed.

"I just… he… he scares me sometimes, Soda, and I didn't want to see him so soon after having that nightmare."

"I understand, Pony. I just wish it were different." The tenseness of the contact felt almost foreign with Soda's change in attitude and he felt a bit uncomfortable. "He didn't mean to hit you. You know that, right?"

Before what had happened last night, he probably would have said no, but he remembered those bruises and welts on Johnny's back and the way that Darry had picked him up last night even though he was mad at him. He nodded. He knew Darry didn't mean it. But he wasn't sure he was ready to trust his big brother yet. Wasn't sure he would be able to anymore. Before he could stop himself, the question slipped out. "He doesn't want me, does he?"

"What?" All contact ceased as the question sunk in and Soda spun around his shoulder so he could stare at him with wide eyes. "What do you mean by that?"

At this point, Johnny, who had been sitting at the edge of the bed, fell onto the floor due to the shift in the bed that Soda had made by moving so rapidly.

"Whoops." Soda mumbled timidly.

"Owww." Johnny moaned from his position on the floor.

"Johnny, you okay?" Ponyboy asked, looking down to make sure he wasn't hurt.

"Yeah, yeah, just hurt my pride…" he answered in jest. Sodapop slipped off the edge of the bed and scooped the smaller boy off the floor and put him back on the mattress before giving Ponyboy a look.

"Come outside with me for a second." He said, not a hint of kidding in his voice. When he made no move to get up, he called again "Ponyboy!"

He got off the bed stiffly and gave Johnny a look, mouthing, "I'll be right back."

It hurt to walk still and the muscles in the back of his legs screamed at him but he didn't want Soda to notice so he made his face straight and his stride steady. Soda was in the kitchen, pulling out some chocolate cake from the icebox. They sat down at the table and Soda cut him a piece of cake and gave him a reproachful look, handing it to him on a plate with a fork. Pony made no move to eat it.

"What did you mean by that, Pony?" he looked a little upset. "You don't really think that, right?"

"What, that Darry doesn't want me?" he asked and Soda scowled even more. "Yeah. I meant it." He replied quietly.

"What makes you think he doesn't want you? He loves you, Pony. We both do."

"I know you do. I know he does. But I just…" he paused in his frazzled thoughts. "Don't you think you'd be happier if you didn't have to work so much? Or if you hadn't had to drop out of school? And Darry's 20 and he's all ready half on his way to an ulcer and we still hardly manage to make ends meet. Sometimes I just feel bad about it. And I know that Darry's considered what it would be like not to have to deal with me always messing up and getting into trouble. He should be in college, not taking care of his kid brother. I think he'd like it better. I know he'd never dump me in an orphanage or nothing, but I know he wishes he could."

There was a long silence as he got up the nerve to look at Soda. His brother looked extremely upset. Getting out of his seat, Soda walked around the side of the table, stooped down and wrapped his arms around his brother, who felt terrible now for having said anything.

"Ponyboy no one wishes you didn't live here. Especially Darry. He just gets mad sometimes because he knows how easy it is to get involved in some rough stuff around here. He wants you to stay here more than anyone. He wants to see you turn into something and he doesn't want to see the street messing up your life. If he hit you, it wasn't because he doesn't want you, it's because he wants you so bad and he doesn't know what to do to hang onto you.

"I'm sorry he comes off as sort of a hard ass, but that's just his personality. He was like that before you were even born. He'd stress himself out about something else if it weren't us, trust me." Ponyboy's chin wobbled slightly as though he was going to cry. "He'd do anything for you. Same as me. I don't want you to feel unwanted. We love you so much. If anything happened to you, I don't know what we'd do."

The shaking that had been so frequent the previous night came back full force, and he felt his throat closing up, but he didn't cry. Soda wrapped him tightly in a hug and Ponyboy wasn't sure which he felt more, ashamed or reassured.

Getting to his feet stiffly, he gave his brother a shaky grin and went back to his room. He had to think about what had just been said.

A/N: As I'm sure you can probably tell at this point, this isn't a particularly fast paced story, so thank you for sticking with me so far.


	5. Chapter 5

Thanks once again for reading and for your support. And as I've said before this isn't particularly fast paced, and I hope that doesn't bother you.

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**Heaven Forbid **

Johnny was lying on the bed face up, staring at the ceiling in a daze when he returned to his room following his talk with Soda. He turned when he felt Ponyboy gently sit down beside him.

"Did you tell him?" Johnny asked, but Pony shook his head. "Why not?"

"Because I want them to both be together when I do it. I don't want Soda frantically calling Darry home from work over something so stupid." That wasn't the only reason of course.

Johnny's head whipped around. "It's not stupid! Are you nuts?"

Pony hung his head, but quickly looked up defensively.

"I'm not an idiot, you're not fooling me. You think that by pretending that what happened was no big deal, that makes it one. You're downplaying the whole thing in your head so you don't have to deal with it. Sorry to tell it to ya, but it ain't going to work, Pony. And if you don't tell them it's going to eat at you until you finally do." Johnny turned away at this and stared at the wall.

"And what do you know about it, Johnny Cade? It was me that it happened to, not you. If I don't want to tell anyone about it then that's my business, isn't it?" Johnny's shoulders started trembling slightly. "You don't understand what I'm going through so I don't want to hear about it from you anymore!"

Johnny turned to face him furiously. "You think I don't know what I'm talking about? You think I'm just saying what I think sounds right? Well get a fucking clue, Ponyboy!"

Johnny looked almost dazed. The anger drained out of him along with all of his color and after a moment he started shaking like mad, curling into a ball and putting his heading between his knees.. "Joh- what?" Ponyboy asked uncertainly.

But Johnny was shaking something awful and wouldn't look him in the eye. "Oh, God." He replied. "Johnny, why didn't you say-" he stopped himself though, because he knew why.

There was nothing he could say about it. He slid over to sit beside his best friend and wrapped a gentle arm over his shoulders. After a moment or two, Johnny allowed himself to be pulled into a hug and Pony could feel the older boy quietly sobbing. So shortly after his own traumatic experience, he wasn't sure he could deal with news so horrifying and felt his own composure coming to pieces and he shook a bit as well as he thought about someone doing what had been done to him to gentle, quiet Johnny Cade. He let himself cry for himself and for his friend.

When they had both calmed down slightly, he turned to his best friend and gave him a troubled look. "When?" he asked.

Johnny was still shaking fiercely and he didn't respond for nearly a minute. "Back a few months ago when those Socs beat me real bad. Well that wasn't all they did." He refused to meet Pony's eyes and whimpered slightly. "Cept they didn't do to me half as bad as they did to you. They just kinda… touched me a bit, and something else…" he muttered the last part.

"I'm sorry." He said and he wasn't sure what else to say.

"You gotta tell someone, Pony. And not just me. Honestly, I've been wanting to for so long… but I couldn't. Not even after last night I didn't think I could. I wouldn't have either if none of that hadn't happened. You gotta tell Soda and Darry. They'd want to know, Pony. I go by what I said last night. If you don't, I will."

He understood a bit better now what Johnny was going through being the only one that knew. He felt like the simple information of what had happened so many months ago needed to be shared with someone else and he felt burdened with having to keep the secret. But the gang wasn't Johnny's family and he didn't any obligation to tell them. Soda and Darry deserved to know, even if he was hesitant to be the one to tell them. He looked up at Johnny and nodded.

The time seemed to pass quickly towards the time when Darry was going to get home and he would have to tell them. Johnny told him he had to leave or his parents would give him a good licking for being out for so long, and even though he begged him to stay, he looked sadly at Ponyboy and told him he had to do it alone. He told him he'd be back later that night if he could and he gave him a big hug.

Soda had helped them dress their wounds and then left, saying he'd be back around five and that he was going to go visit Steve. Ponyboy sat in the house by himself, feeling more and more alone in the world as the minutes passed. He napped and watched TV and tried eating and chain-smoked. He made it his personal ambition to get as clean as possible, taking another 30 minute shower and brushing his teeth until his gums nearly bled.

The quietness of the house seemed almost overwhelming and he put on the TV and the radio for distraction, but no matter what he did, his thoughts came coming back to the previous night and what had happened to him. He felt as though the moment he closed his eyes he was seeing it again and again. He felt more alone then he ever had in his life, but as isolated as he felt, he was dreading his brothers coming home and him being confronted with the burden of having to tell them both.

Soon five O'clock came and Soda and Darry came in together, surprisingly alone and both seemed somber. He could tell Soda had told Darry what he had said and that he was going to have to endure quite a few of these looks for a while.

"Hey Pony. How you feeling?" Darry said in a less than cheerful voice. He looked him over for a few seconds. "You're not looking too good, com'er and let me get a look at you."

He stood, shaking a bit once again. He wanted to leave this for another time. He remained where he stood forcing his oldest brother to come forward to examine him.

Darry's face came close up to his to scrutinize his split lip and the cut on his temple. The bruises were beginning to form around his eye and at his cheekbone. He shook harder at this, not appreciating the invasion of personal space at all. Shivers ran down his spine as thoughts of the previous night invaded his mind. Again, his brother's size intimidated Pony a whole bunch.

When he was finished examining Ponyboy's face, Darry lifted his shirt up unexpectedly and Pony shied backwards, hitting the back of his legs against the couch and causing him to fall upon it.

He protected his chest as best he could, shrinking back. Darry didn't notice the expression on his face and thought it was funny. "Com'er, I wasn't finished yet!" he said with laughter in his voice and seeing Ponyboy's belly took it as an opportunity to start tickling him.

"Say uncle!" Darry said, but instead of the expected laughter, he was met with the yelps and whimpers of his youngest brother. Pony hadn't been expecting it, and his nerves reacted poorly to it. "Ponyboy, what's wrong?" Darry asked, ceasing the behavior immediately. "Goodness, I'm sorry if I scared you." From across the room, Soda, who had been watching the exchange scowled deeply.

Soda stepped forward to try and comfort his brother with a large hug, but Ponyboy reacted wildly to that as well. "Get away! Please. Don't!" he called, his shaking deepening significantly.

"What's wrong with him, Soda?" Darry asked, but Soda could only shrug and they both stepped away, waiting for their little brother to relax knowing there was nothing they could do to help.

As he calmed down, Ponyboy grew embarrassed by his behavior. He flushed red and felt the urge to flee. To get away from this. From what he would have to confess now that they both were suspicious and that he had promised Johnny. Wiping his suddenly wet eyes and putting his head in his arms he felt a hand on his arm and he immediately looked up to discern who of the two had done it. It was Soda, and he relaxed just the slightest bit. His brother sat next to him, keeping a slight distance from him, but his hand remained clutching his arm.

"What's wrong Ponyboy? Did something happen?" Soda asked quietly.

A/N: I know this chapter wasn't particularly long, but it felt like a good place to end it. The next chapter should be up shortly. Review if you'd like to.


	6. Chapter 6

I'm very grateful for all the excellent feedback I got last chapter. I adjusted my updating schedule so I could get this up sooner, so I'm gonna have to work on some future chapters to play catch up. Thanks again.

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**Heaven Forbid**

It hit Pony hard when he realized exactly what it was he was about to confess. It was difficult to know that after he admit what had happened, the two of them would never see him in the same way again. He couldn't imagine it. He didn't care if the whole world knew, but he couldn't stand the idea of Soda not loving him any longer.

"L-last night…" he started but then stopped. It was like something was obstructing his throat, stopping him from saying it. How was he supposed to go about this? He shivered and allowed Soda to wrap him in a hug. He thought about how this might be the last time Soda ever willingly gave him a genuine hug. He looked at his lap and tears blurred his vision at the thoughts. "The… the Soc that beat me up…"

He looked up, hoping beyond hope that somehow they would understand and he wouldn't have to say it out loud. Soda was looking at him intently and Darry's eyes were wide and… for the first time in a long time, he saw real fear in his brother's eyes. Darry understood.

"He… he… ra-"

Soda's arms clung to him tighter and he buried his head against his brother's chest. "He what, Ponyboy?" he heard Darry whisper mournfully.

"He raped me." He said only loud enough for Soda to hear him, then pulled his knees to chest and clung to them, putting as much distance between himself and the two as possible. Soda looked up in horror and then turned to Darry, mouthing the words so they wouldn't upset his brother. Darry's eyes turned as round as he believed it was possible for them to get. He looked almost mortified. The same way he'd looked the night they'd found out about their parent's deaths.

There was a long pause as they both tried to take in and understand the information. Soda turned to him as though he would try to embrace him again, but Ponyboy wouldn't allow it. He fought to remain untouched and nearly fell off the couch in the process.

"Fuck." Darry said loudly. His oldest brother got up from his seat and Ponyboy pressed himself against the armrest, attempting to make himself as small as possible in the fear that Darry would come near him. He watched him pace through his hands. He wanted to be swallowed up by the couch just then and he curled into as tight a ball as physically possible. There was nothing he could say now. No way to rationalize the situation. He wanted to be left alone. He wanted Johnny to be there with him. He suddenly had a surge of hatred towards his best friend for leaving him here to do this alone. He'd give anything to have him back, whether to yell at him or to cling to him he had no idea.

Darry continued to pace and Soda seemed to be shaking, getting as much distance between himself and his younger brother as possible, and Ponyboy suddenly felt abandoned even though deep down he knew his brother was only doing it because he thought that was what Pony wanted.

"Are you all right?" Darry asked some distance away. Ponyboy wasn't sure how to respond to that. He wasn't sure what was being asked of him, but he didn't want to meet Darry's eyes so he didn't react at all. "Shit" he heard, once again from Darry.

It was a sign of how dire the situation was that he felt no concern at hearing his eldest brother cursing in this way. Darry barely ever cursed. He guessed the last time he'd heard him do so had been when his brother had still been in high school, and it had been far from their parents, far from their parent's house. It was an unspoken rule since their parents had died that no cursing would be permitted inside in respect to their mother and father.

He flinched as he heard the door slam shut loudly. Outside he could hear the sound of his brother kicking the trashcans and porch and screaming profanely. Sodapop was making a strange noise as he tried to stifle sobs. Other than that there was silence. He got up slowly and without drawing Soda's attention, went to their room. He lay down face first on the bed and covered himself over with the blankets and tried to burrow into the mattress as if it would give way and let him hide in it. He lay there trying to make as little noise as was possible for nearly ten minutes. He felt the sickness rise inside of him as the shaking and lack of air got to him and his stomach twisted sickly. Vaguely he could hear his brothers talking back and forth. Eventually, his door opened and it was Darry who was standing there to his dismay.

"Ponyboy… will you please come out in the living room with me?" he asked in the most self-conscious and nervous voice he'd ever heard his brother speak to him in. He left him alone and after a minute, he got up to do it.

He looked at neither of them, keeping his eyes trained on the carpet all the way through the living room, and sat down on the couch pulling his legs up beside him and leaning against the armrest. There was silence and he realized that Soda wasn't sitting on the couch anymore, but he didn't dare to look up to see if he was still in the room.

"Pony… why didn't you tell me about this last night?" he heard softly. It was a strange thought, but he couldn't remember his brother ever having used this tone on him previously. The question almost didn't seem real.

"I was scared." He replied brokenly.

"Of what?"

"I didn't want anyone to find out, Dar… I didn't want anyone to know about it. And…" He breathed deeply "And you scared me."

There was a moment's pause. "Why were you scared of me?" he sounded upset instead of inquisitive.

"You were yelling. I didn't want to make you upset. And… and…"

Darry didn't say anything, but he knew he had to get it out. "He reminded me of you…"

Darry looked up immediately. Ponyboy wasn't really sure what this meant for them now. There was just something in the way that that Soc had hit him, almost exactly the way Darry had that put parallels between the two of them. Ones that Pony feared were going to haunt him in the years to come.

"But I- I would never... You know I-"

Ponyboy nodded "I know."

Darry avoided looking at him. He knew his oldest brother was scared now. Scared of what possibly it was about him that so reminded Pony of the person who raped him. He was trying to avoid doing anything that would spark some sort of recollection of this.

"What about Johnny?" Ponyboy almost wanted to tell them about what Johnny had so recently confessed to having happened to him. He somehow wanted the spotlight taken off of him, if only momentarily, but he knew he was being unfair and he kept the information to himself.

"The guys that were with him took him into a near-by alley and beat him up. They kept him from coming to help me. He feels horrible about it, and I don't know how to tell him it wasn't his fault."

"That's not what I'm worried about right now, Pony. I… I don't know how to… what to do about this. I want to kill him. I want to literally go out and find him and murder him. But… that's not going to help you. I… what can I do to help you?"

Darry looked towards him and Ponyboy felt overwhelmed. He had no idea what any of them could do, and Darry seemed to be looking for such a clear-cut answer. He shrugged and looked around finally to see that Soda wasn't there. He didn't know how he'd missed that.

"Where is Soda?" he asked, suddenly growing fearful of being alone with Darry just yet. He cringed to himself wondering if this was going to be the norm from now on… That he'd be unable to stand being near his oldest brother and would need either Soda or Johnny with him at all times.

"He'll be back, Pony. He's just… he doesn't know how to handle this." He felt terrible for it. It was as though he were detached from the situation so much that he couldn't even feel bad for himself, only other people. It was the way it had been when his parents had died. He'd tried to channel his grief through caring about everyone else in the hope that he wouldn't have to cope with it himself.

But at the same time, he realized how real a fear it was that Soda wouldn't be able to see him in the same way any longer. Soda wouldn't want anything to do with him. He'd move back into his old room and avoid speaking with him out of shame and disgust. He'd never felt so hollow in his life.

He was shaking, and this time not just from nerves. He was cold and there wasn't a blanket on the couch as there normally was. Darry saw this and seemed reluctant but stood up awkwardly. Ponyboy watched him nervously but made no move to pull away as Darry came towards him. He sat stiffly as Darry sat next to him and allowed him to put his arms around him limply. As the shivering increased though, Darry pulled him into a hug and pressed him against his large chest and for a moment, Pony was able to forget his previous fears and breathe in the familiar smell of his brother and knew no harm could come to him.

They continued talking for a while, hushing their voices as the night seemed to set in. Darry offered to take him to the hospital but he refused without even thinking about it. Again, Darry asked him if there was anything that he could do to help him and again Pony had no response. He didn't understand what there was for anyone to do. He wasn't sure where to go from here. He didn't understand how he could go on living after something like this. What reason he had for waking up in the morning.

"Who was it? The guy… it was just one guy, right?" The last part he could barely hear, but still felt sick about. He turned his head the other way before answering.

"I didn't know him. He knew us though. Two nights ago when we were at the movie theater we were hanging out with these two girls. That guy mentioned their boyfriends and how we were trying to pick up on their girls last night. I swear we weren't though, Darry. If I had known she had a boyfriend I would have just stayed away from her."

"Its okay, kiddo. I know you wouldn't do something like that. You didn't recognize him at all?" Darry asked and Ponyboy shook his head again. To tell the truth, he was getting nervous about this conversation. "Pony, I don't… I don't know what to do. I don't want him to get away with this, but… but I don't want to drag you into a police case here either."

Pony pulled away fearfully, but also so he could look Darry in the eye. "Darry, I don't want anyone to find out about this." He said it with such intensity that Darry looked worried.

"Ponyboy, I understand you don't want anyone to know, and I'll… I'll try my best not to let anyone find out. It's your decision who you tell or don't tell, but I want to make sure you know that… everyone loves you and if they find out they won't give you a hard time with it, Pony. Anyone does and I'll beat their face in." He said half in jest. "If you find out who it was or have any type of suspicion, I want you to tell me right away. Please, will you promise me?"

Ponyboy merely nodded, hoping they could finish the conversation.

There was silence for nearly a minute as he felt more and more tense.

"Ponyboy… what happened?" Darry asked, causing his brother to nearly cringe at the words. There was no way he could tell anyone what had happened, whether it was because he didn't want to relive it or because he was mortified by the details, it didn't matter.

"Please, Darry, don't ask me to tell you." He pleaded, feeling exhausted somehow in spite of the fact that it was barely 7 O'clock. He wasn't hungry and he wanted only to go to bed. He wanted to be able to go to bed without fearing nightmares. He needed sleep more than anything right now. The sickness from earlier was going away and he needed a cigarette. Darry gave him a hard look, but seemed to read his mind and lighted a smoke and gave it to him. He'd found a pack in the drawer of the end table. Darry didn't usually let him smoke in the house – he did it when he wasn't home, but Darry wasn't aware of it – but the circumstances allotted for it.

"I'm not gonna ask you again if you don't want to tell me. But if you need to talk about this, I want you to find me, all right Pone? Any time at all. If you need to wake me up in the middle of the night or when I'm at work, I don't want you to hesitate. That goes for Soda too. You promise me you will?" Pony nodded, hoping that maybe he could leave.

He was just about to ask if he could go when the door opened and Soda came in. Neither he nor Darry spoke as Soda lit a cigarette and avoided making eye contact with either of the two. Soda hardly ever smoked. It was a sign of raw nerves or a scary situation if Soda was smoking, but neither of the boys were surprised to see him with one.

"Um… I'm sorry for running out like that." Soda said in a formal kind of voice. He wasn't looking at them. He had his entire body turned away from them as though he were admiring the kitchen.

"Soda…" Darry said in a voice that suggested he was trying to keep from getting angry. "Why don't you sit down-"

"Don't tell me what to do." He replied unexpectedly. His voice was agitated and he started pacing, looking up occasionally as if to make sure they were both still there.

"Soda, sit down!" Darry said, his voice rising, though his calmness still remaining – if a bit forced.

"Sit down? You want me to sit down?" Soda asked while his voice seemed to get a bit shrill.

"Yes… I want you to either calm down or leave. Soda, you've gotta chill out for me buddy."

In all the ways Pony could have imagined the reactions of his brothers he never expected the loose cannon to be Soda. He expected Darry would be the one to fly off the handle and want to kill someone. He predicted him least of all to be the one to remain calm and collected, even to have to make Soda calm down.

"Darry." Soda pleaded in a voice that was half a whine. Pony recognized the look on his face immediately as the same one Darry had worn when at their parents funeral. Darry must have noticed it too because he exchanged looks with Pony before getting up and pulling Soda into the kitchen. For his part, Soda tried to keep the noise of his sobbing from reaching Pony's ears but as he lay down on the couch tiredly, he couldn't help but hear it anyway.

A/N: Apologies if you had to wait a bit longer than I may have implied, but I'm trying to work out some plot details in later chapters and figure out if I'm going to end this sooner or later. Opinions would be valued.


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks, everyone, for all the great reviews. Honestly, they're overwhelmingly optimistic, which is somewhat scary, but that's good news. It means I'll have to stay on my toes. I hope I'm able to meet all of your expectations. Sorry if this chapter is a bit of a short one.

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**Heaven Forbid**

The door opened in near silence but Ponyboy looked up and saw Johnny there and turned away, half because he wanted to sleep and half because he was still a bit angry with him for having left him alone to tell his brothers what had happened. By the look on his face, Johnny had heard the noise in the kitchen and sat down next to Pony's head on the couch.

Ponyboy put out his cigarette in the ashtray he had kept underneath the couch and immediately felt like the tremors running through his stomach were going to make him sick. Johnny seemed to notice for he slid underneath the younger boy, pulling his head into his own lap. Pony turned to look at him with sorrow as he felt his hair being gently stroked, and saw a matching expression of unhappiness on his friend's face.

The action made him sad. He wasn't sure if Johnny had known how his mother had used to do that same thing for him when he was upset when she had still been alive. It was an innocent gesture, meant with the best of intentions, but the similarity upset him, and he had to turn away, caught between wanting Johnny to continue and the tears that were coursing down his face. He wanted more than anything for his mother to be alive just then to make this easier for him. To pull him into her lap and let him cry. To provide him the comfort only a mother can offer without the uneasiness that he was being a child, because he had been hurt in a terrible way and he deserved his mother.

It struck him that this was actually the first time he'd really missed his parents. He'd of course always wished that they hadn't died, but now he actually felt miserable because he knew he'd never see his mom again and he longed for her presence. 8 months she had been dead for and it was just now starting to really affect him. The same went for his father, however it was truly his mother he wanted for right then.

"Pony?" Johnny said quietly, and he knew his friend had seen the tears. He turned to face him, not feeling like hiding it just then. Pony could distantly hear footsteps and thought maybe Darry was putting Soda to bed and wishing he could have the same done for him. Just then he noticed something. Johnny had a bruise forming around his eye. One that hadn't been there earlier.

"Johnny, will you stay here again tonight?" Ponyboy asked him and Johnny seemed somewhat relieved and told him yes if Darry said it would be ok. Pony had a feeling he wasn't going to school in the morning and knew Johnny wouldn't mind cutting to keep him company. He wouldn't make him sleep in the small cramped bed again that night with him and his brother. If anything he wished he could sleep on the couch instead of anywhere near other people. Johnny continued to stroke his hair, touching his jaw lightly where he'd been struck the previous night. The bruise that had formed had been as big as any he'd ever had before.

"I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but everything will get better eventually." Johnny told him, but he couldn't take the words seriously. Everyone said stuff like that when something bad happened. He must have heard it a million times when his parents died.

"Did it get better for you?" Pony asked and Johnny flinched, probably unused to having anyone else know about what happened.

Johnny tried to meet his eyes, but Pony wouldn't allow it. He didn't feel right looking into Johnny's eyes. They held something that he was beginning to identify with, and not in a good way. Johnny had terrible things happened to him all his life and it took its toll on him. The bruises and scars would fade but those eyes knew everything that had ever happened to him, and they showed the suspicion and sorrow that had come to build up because of it. Even knowing what the older boy had gone through, Pony still felt like Johnny had kept a goodness about him that was better than what he had left of himself.

"Yeah… It got better for me." Johnny told him and because Ponyboy was avoiding his eyes he couldn't tell whether or not the boy was lying. Somehow he doubted it. "You all got me through it."

"Was it those boys from the movie?" Pony asked hesitantly. "The boy with the rings?"

Johnny turned his head and removed any contact he had with Ponyboy's head without taking it off his lap, as though he was afraid of tainting him with something.

"No… it was another boy." He confessed and Pony knew better than to push him further than he would go. Sitting up, he leaned his upper body against his friend's side and wished he could fall asleep right there. The weariness he felt from the exhausting ordeal he'd been through felt as though it was crushing him. Gravity felt denser than normal and Pony felt the stress on his body. He felt Johnny's head lean against his tiredly as well.

Darry came back into the room silently. He was watching the two with a small sad smile on his face. "Pony… you hungry at all?"

Without opening his eyes he shook his head and he felt Johnny's arm curl around his lower back and enjoyed the warmth it seemed to give him. "Do you want to go to bed?" Darry asked quietly. He nodded, but was somewhat reluctant to do part with Johnny so soon. Johnny was warm and small and he hated to think it, but Johnny couldn't be construed as a threat like either of his brothers could. Johnny wouldn't ask him any questions that he didn't want to answer like Soda would. He knew exactly what to do and how to act and Pony appreciated it more than words could say.

"You want to stay out here tonight Pony?" Darry finally asked, and by this point he was nearly half asleep, but managed to give half a nod. He could hear Darry and Johnny talking in low voices before he felt his position shift to lying down with his head against Johnny's chest. Darry removed his shoes and his legs were placed on the couch. He felt a light presence fall over him and knew Darry had thrown a blanket over him. He passed out only after wrapping his arms around Johnny's waist and letting his breath fall into sync with his friend's.

A/N: I do hate to end it so quickly, but it seemed to fit, and I'm sticking with it. I'd love some reviews at this point. I failed my driver's test and I'm a bit down right now. Positive feedback always has a way of cheering me up. Next chapter will be longer, I promise.


	8. Chapter 8

Wow. A whole bundle of reviews for the last chapter. Words can't express how grateful I am for them. They're all quite helpful and they're certainly helping me feel better with all of the crap that's been happening in my life lately, so thanks to all of you.

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**Heaven Forbid**

When he awoke next, he could hear the dulled sounds of his eldest brother speaking to Johnny. They tried to keep their voices quiet so that Pony wouldn't awake but he could feel the vibrations of his friend's words from where he was resting against his chest. It was the next day and he could see the sun shining through his closed eyelids. Pony could once again feel the presence of Johnny's hand on top of his head, soft fingers running through his hair.

"You didn't recognize any of them?" Darry asked and Johnny gave a quiet 'no' and repeated about them knowing about Cherry and Marcia. Darry sighed and Pony knew if he or Johnny dropped a single name Darry would be out looking for them so quickly they wouldn't even see him leave.

"And they didn't do anything to you, right? I mean, besides beat you up some?" Darry asked. The gang knew it didn't affect him too bad. It hadn't been half as bad as the last one he'd gotten and Johnny was a lot more preoccupied with Ponyboy right then to even worry about it. Johnny must have shaken his head and in the back of his mind, Pony wondered if he should speak up.

"Thank you for… for taking care of him, Johnny. I know how much you did for him and that he wouldn't have even told us if you hadn't talked him into it. And thank you for… for getting me to stop scaring him that night. If I'd known… Look, honestly if there is anything I can do to repay you… just name it. Really, I mean that."

"Darry… I'm so sorry I couldn't… couldn't stop it from happening. I wanted to, I really tried, Dar."

"Shh. I know you did. It's not your fault kiddo. You did the best you could and I know Ponyboy knows that too. Look, I've got to go call out of work but I'll be right-"

"Darry, don't." Ponyboy said out loud in a voice groggy enough to pass off as having only heard the tail end of their conversation. "Go to work, I'll be fine here alone."

He could hear Darry sigh and, opening his eyes, he could read the conflicted expression on his brother's features.

Like he expected, Johnny volunteered to stay with him. Darry seemed to flinch slightly, but agreed. Johnny continued stroking Ponyboy's hair as though attempting to get him to relax enough to go back to sleep.

"Am I crushin' you Johnny?" Pony asked and looked up at Johnny's face to read his expression. It was one of amusement.

"No, you're too light to crush me, Pony. Plus you're warm. You don't have to move unless you want to. We can go back to sleep if you feel like it."

Ponyboy closed his eyes and rested his cheek against Johnny's warm shirt, not needing to be told twice. "All right. Wake me up if you need to go to the bathroom or anything." Pony managed to find Johnny's hand that wasn't stroking his head and gave it a squeeze before drifting off again.

Later he awoke to find Johnny shaking him a bit in order to get him up. He rolled off his friend who quickly got up, though somewhat stiffly, and promptly headed towards the bathroom. Pony grinned a bit in spite of feeling bad.

When Johnny returned he asked Ponyboy if he would like something to eat, but he still didn't feel hungry. His appetite had diminished dramatically from where it had been a few days ago, and he felt like he could never be hungry again. Johnny frowned when he turned him down and looked like he was considering protesting but held back.

Pony gave a jaw cracking yawn, feeling like he was experiencing a hangover but he choked as a sudden flash came over him. He couldn't describe it, but he felt at though his mouth had been invaded as he remembered it being done that night. He coughed and sputtered but tried to keep his jaw firmly shut in keeping with his unrealistic need to keep from having to experience that again. Johnny didn't seem to understand for the first time in a while, but then, he wasn't completely aware of everything that had happened that night, so he shouldn't. That fact Pony was very grateful for. He even blushed when he thought of Johnny knowing what had happened. It mortified him to imagine it.

He felt as though he was going to be sick and he gagged slightly, but he hadn't eaten anything recently enough to get sick and he settled quickly.

The morning passed quickly with minimal effort put forth by Johnny into trying to get Ponyboy to eat. He attempted to have a piece of cake, but only got halfway through before he felt sick for it. He smoked half a pack before the sick feeling from the previous day made its presence known to him and Johnny made him lay down and sat with him until it passed. They were mostly silent the whole time, though occasionally Johnny tried to get him to open up about how he was feeling, however they stayed away from anything too deep. They watched TV occasionally but nothing was on except things housewives would be watching so it only served as white noise for them.

There was a tenseness between them that had never existed before, and Ponyboy wasn't really sure how to deal with it. Johnny and him had always had a great understanding between them. They really got each other in a way that was almost unique. Also he felt like Johnny was the only person he could really feel comfortable with anymore. No one else really understood fully what he'd been through and he wasn't eager to lose the only person he felt at ease with because of something stupid.

"Look, Pony…" Johnny said finally as they sat at the kitchen table and Pony pretended like he was considering eating what was on his plate. "I know you're probably mad at me for making you tell them, man. It's ok, you can be mad at me, I'll understand. I just want to make sure you understand why I did it. And if you can't do that I want you be able to talk to me anyway. It's important that you… talk about this. I know it's hard, but you can't keep this to yourself."

Ponyboy looked at his sandwich and chips, which he'd been shifting around his plate. He was somewhat angry at Johnny for making him tell his brothers, but more so because there was no one else to blame for his inability to do so on his own. He loved Soda more than life, and Darry… well Darry needed to know because he was his oldest brother and looked out for him, but he didn't feel ready for anyone to know.

He wasn't sure what was going on in his own head. He didn't feel ready to talk about what had happened or how he felt about it. He wished everyone would just let the subject drop, and yet he couldn't stand to be alone with his thoughts.

He didn't feel ready to have them understand the immensity of what had happened and perhaps… judge him for it.

"It's just that… I don't want them to think I'm pathetic. I don't know why you don't, Johnny…" Pushing the plate away from him, he put his forehead against the table.

"They ain't gonna think you're pathetic Pony… and I don't because… hell, you don't think I'm pathetic do you?" Johnny asked and Pony frowned, hating the thought of Johnny having felt like he couldn't tell anyone because he was afraid that the gang would think badly of him. But he hadn't had the extent of what Pony had been through. He didn't understand the dirtiness he was feeling. The disgusting corrupted way he felt. Almost as if there was something wrong with him that couldn't ever be fixed.

"Johnny… Soda couldn't even look at me last night. He couldn't even meet my eyes. He's not gonna want to go near me ever again, and I don't blame him." Pony said, lifting his head up but refusing to make eye contact.

"Ponyboy, you know how much Soda loves you. He would never think anything bad of you ever. He probably just didn't know what to say to you and didn't want to say anything stupid that would upset you."

"You didn't see him Johnny. God, he's never going to be able to look at me the same way again because I'm disgusting and-"

"That ain't true!" he heard from the doorway and turned around to see Soda standing there with tears streaming down his face. "Stop it, Ponyboy. Never say that again, you hear?" Soda called out angrily and meaningfully.

"Well it's true, Sodapop. You look me in the eyes and tell me you don't think I'm a pathetic, dirty piece of shit. Don't fucking lie to me, I know you and I'll know if you lie." Pony sobbed.

Soda came forward as Pony got to his feet and put his hands on Pony's shoulders and looked at him square in the eyes. There was such love and openness that Pony had to look away, but like Johnny had done, Soda held his cheek and forced him to look him in the eyes and see what he wanted to refuse to. Because he felt so pathetic he almost wished everyone else would be able to see him for what he was.

"Ponyboy…" Soda couldn't seem to stand it any longer and nearly wrestled him into a hug and they both sobbed for a good five minutes. "Listen to me and listen good, because I never want a bit of doubt about this in your mind. I love you… I always have and always will. I don't care what you do or what happens to you. You'll always be my brother and I'll always care about you the same way I have since you were born. I want you to understand that, Pony. Nothing can change that. Nothing can make me lose that for you. I love you. I couldn't not love you if I tried."

"God, Soda… God why did this have to happen to me? Why did he do that? What did I do wrong?"

"Baby, it's not your fault. It's not your fault at all, you did nothing wrong. That fucking… god I want to get him. I want to kill him. I want to kill him so badly, Pony, for what he did to you. None of this is your fault. Don't you ever blame yourself! There's nothing wrong with you. You didn't deserve that…"

"I'm- I'm sick, Soda. I'm dirty and disgusting and you shouldn't even look at me." He could barely speak he was crying so hard. He could barely hear his brother's words, and he could accept them even less.

"No, Pony shh. Shh. No, you're wrong. There's nothing wrong with you. Nothing! Listen to me. Please."

"He's right, Pony." Johnny spoke for the first time since Soda had arrived. "You're the same person as before. You've had something bad happen to you, but that doesn't make you a bad person, Ponyboy."

"I… God, I'm going to be sick." He admitted and stumbled as his shirt got hooked on a chair and he fell to the ground and couldn't stop the heaving and became violently sick on the kitchen floor. He was unable to cease crying, choking on sobs in between retching.

Soda kneeled beside him and rubbed his back, and swept his bangs from the front of his face. He'd neglected to grease his hair since the event had occurred and it was long and shaggy in his eyes.

"Calm down Pony. It's ok. It's going to be fine, just settle down and take deep breaths." Johnny handed him a damp towel and Soda lifted him to his feet and nearly dragged him to the armchair in the living room, helping him out of the unbuttoned plaid shirt he was wearing that had gotten stained in the process of him throwing up. He sat exhaustedly, sagging to the side while Soda sat on the arm and let him rest his head against his leg. Johnny took the rag away from when he'd wiped his face and disappeared into the kitchen, giving the two brothers space.

"Just stop thinking about what happened to you, Ponyboy. I just want you to relax for a little bit, all right? Please, will you do that for me? I've got to get back to work; I'm on my lunch break right now but I don't want to go back unless I feel like you're going to be all right. Will you promise me to take it easy and not… not think about what happened? Please, just do that for me?" Pony nodded against his leg, not wanting his brother to leave. Soda sat back against the chair and allowed Pony to sense his presence and become calm. He held Pony's shoulders in his grasp and helped him to unwind once again by giving him a gentle backrub.

"Pony, I've got to get back to work now. Will you be okay if I leave you here with Johnny?" Pony once again could merely nod. "I'm going to take you back and put you into bed now, all right?"

Soda, with the help of Johnny, carefully lifted him from the chair and brought him into his bedroom and rested him upon the bed. He didn't feel like he could sleep but he was exhausted and he lay there on his side without moving. He could hear Soda talking to Johnny in a very hushed voice, giving him instructions about what to do for him before his brother put a hand on his shoulder once again and gave him a light kiss on his temple, stroking his hair comfortingly. "I'll be home soon, baby. Take care… I love you."

"Soda." Ponyboy whispered in response and wrapped his arms around a pillow. He heard the door close behind him and Johnny laid down next to him, putting a hand over his, but otherwise giving him space. He drifted off into a restless sleep, not sure he was feeling up to being awake just then. Not sure he was feeling up to being alive when he awoke.

A/N: Thanks everyone for their lovely reviews and their support that I'm not alone in failing my driving test. It seems like no one passed their test the first time around, so I certainly feel less like a failure at life now.


	9. Chapter 9

I've certainly gotten a quite a few great reviews lately. They're great spirit boosters. I burnt my arm on a lamp today right before sharing in Writer's Guild. I'm feel a bit apprehensive sharing once again tonight, but I'll take my chances and stay away from light sources.

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**Heaven Forbid **

Inevitably, Darry did call him in to have dinner later that night, and Pony couldn't refuse, though he took a shot at it. "Come on, Ponyboy, I know you haven't been eating enough lately." Darry sat on Soda's side of the bed with a weightless hand placed against his back. His voice took on soft tone rarely used and Pony knew he couldn't refuse his brother.

So Pony dragged himself out of bed and sat at the table without saying a word or making eye contact. Darry had made him his favorite dinner and he could tell it was because his brothers wanted to tempt him into eating. But nothing seemed to taste right. It was as if his taste buds were on mute and not even the texture registered to his brain. There was hardly any discussion that was anything too deep, and the whole scenario felt wrong. His house was a constant hailstorm of activity, from blaring televisions and radios, to playful wrestling and arguments. He knew that it would be too much for him to handle just then having that much to deal with around him, but he felt too sheltered. How was he supposed to get back to normal when things were intentionally abnormal?

"Pony, I told the gang to clear off for a little while. Give you some peace and quiet for a change. You can stay home from school again tomorrow if you aren't feeling up to it." He heard Darry say, while not looking up from his plate. The kitchen smelled of disinfectant, and he knew it was because Darry cleaned when he was anxious. Johnny would have mopped up the vomit from this afternoon, but Darry would have scoured the whole house if possible.

He looked at his two brothers, both picking unenthusiastically at their dinners with slight frowns on their face that matched his own. He felt a sense of guilt. Yet, at the same time, he felt a bit… encouraged. It was a terrible notion, but he almost felt as though he weren't going through this alone as much as he thought. It was as if his brothers were anchored to him in mood, and in spite of the immense guilt that provoked, it gave him a feeling of alliance; that maybe he wasn't as alone as he thought he was. More so, it gave him motivation. It made him feel that maybe there might be more to gain by picking himself up than merely his own benefit.

"Sorry." He murmured into his plate as he mutilated his chicken. He heard Soda stop poking at his plate with his fork. Looking up to grab some salt so it would seem he were remotely interested in his meal, he saw his brothers staring at him in confusion.

"What are you sorry about, Pony?" Soda asked. Anyone else would have taken his tone for curious, but Ponyboy was able to sense the cautious tone his voice had taken on.

His brother put a hand on his wrist. He met Soda's eyes, and in the dim light of the kitchen their color seemed to reflect the chocolate milk he was drinking with far too much syrup added. "I'm sorry you two have to deal with this shit. It's my fault, and you oughta not have to give anything up just because I'm being an idiot."

He stood up and cringed as his chair was knocked backwards and whacked harshly against the ground. "Pony!"

"Don't bother." He announced, retreating to his room as cold prickling chill spread up his back. There was no way that had improved things any and he felt almost worse about it, since he knew they would feel guilty for no reason due to his words. He was left alone for a while, and hearing the sound of the door gently closing (which had been more astounding a noise than the door slamming shut might have) he knew the two were talking outside.

Suddenly he was sick of this crap. He was sick of staying in the house moping and dwelling. He needed to get out. To take his mind off of everything that had happened. To allowing things to be at least relatively normal, even if he were pretending.

Pulling on a pair of jeans and a clean tee shirt from the sweats he had been wearing previously, he ambled out onto the porch and pulled out some cigarettes and looked at his brother's surprised faces. "You guys wanna go somewhere?" he asked, taking a drag. "I know it's a work night and everything, but can we get out of the house or something?"

Both his brothers looked dumbfounded, but Soda recovered. "Yeah, Pony. Of course, where'd you have in mind?"

"Dunno, maybe the movies, maybe the bowling alley. Don't really care too much." The sun was just getting ready to set and he was feeling a bit anxious to be distracted by something.

"Umm, you want me to call the guys? See if anyone wants to tag along?" Soda asked.

"Don't care." He replied, kicking a rock off the porch, noticing the slightly bitter tone in his own voice.

"You want Johnny to come?" Pony sighed and thought about it. He felt almost bad about how much of Johnny's time he was occupying, making him cut school and look after him, but he still felt most comfortable with his best friend present.

"You can see if he wants to." He said, noncommittally. He was acting strange, and he hated how he knew his words were putting his brothers off. It was as though he wasn't in control of his words.

"I'll go get our coats." Soda said, heading into the house. Darry was watching him curiously and Pony tossed his cigarette away to meet his gaze.

"Something wrong?" Pony asked, slightly defensively.

"Nothing. You just seem a bit upset. Are you sure you want to do this tonight? We could just as easily put it off until tomorrow." He was trying to act indifferent, but Pony could tell he was very wary about how events were unfolding.

"I need something to distract me, Dar. I'm gonna go insane otherwise." He crossed his arms and stood protectively.

"Maybe we could just have Johnny and Two-bit come over. You could just watch TV or… or read a book. That's distracting, isn't it?"

"It's not the same. How're things gonna get back to normal if everyone's acting as if I'm dying? The most so me?" the last part he lowered his voice faintly.

"Pone, no one expects you to be right as rain after everything that happened to you. I know you want to get past this and all, but don't do it for our sakes. And you're not going to do yourself any favors by rushing yourself or putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation before you're ready."

Pony looked down at his socks and nodded at his brother's words. He felt a hand on a shoulder and he couldn't stop himself from the reflexive shudder it provoked. He looked up hesitantly, expecting Darry to be mad at him.

"Ponyboy…" Darry said quietly, his voice surprisingly uncharacteristic. "Listen. I need you to know something, Pone." The hand on his shoulder guided him towards the steps where a light drizzle had begun to fall. The rain clouds hung lazily overhead, purple and azure, but the sunset seemed untouched; a radiant display of pinks and golds. It was as though it were unconnected from everything else. Impervious to the emotions of the weather.

He didn't know why, but it gave him hope. It made him think that maybe things would be able to get better for him. It would take time, but he still possessed some of the inner good that was so absent from this side of Tulsa. He still held on to the knowledge that there were good people in the world. Good things that would never be corrupted in this lifetime. As long as he could wake up every morning and watch a beautiful sunrise, there was nothing to say that everything wouldn't be able to get better for him.

Looking up at his brothers hardened face, and feeling his middle brother sit down beside of him, he felt his lips turn up at the corners just the slightest bit. Things weren't okay, but they still could be.

"It's okay Darry." Pony murmured softly. "I think I might all ready know."

A/N: I've never spent as much time editing a chapter as I did this one. I hope I got across what I wanted to come across. Thanks for reading and reviewing everyone. Haha, I'm retaking my driving test Tuesday, so lets all keep our thoughts positive for some success.


	10. Chapter 10

Sorry for the slight wait. Thanks for the great reviews and positive remarks! They're always nice to receive.

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**Heaven Forbid **

Two-bit had all ready engaged Dally in a game of poker before Pony had even come out of his room. The room buzzed with activity and noise and it was as though things were normal for everyone. And Pony knew why that was. It was because things _were_ normal for his friends. Nothing had happened to them for it not to be.

He wasn't sure if he felt up to this. It had been his decision to make, yes. But it had been simple enough to tell his brothers that he wanted them to have the gang over like normal when it was a sugestion. Somehow the noise of Steve and Soda wrestling on the living room rug and Two-bit chuckling as he took in his winnings from a good hand felt almost too natural.

He wasn't sure if he was relieved or uncertain. His place was so unclear within the gang as it was, but he almost felt as though he barely knew these people whom he'd been friends with all his life.

"Pony, there ya are!" Two-bit cried from his seat at the table. "I'm tired of playing with this cheating bum all ready. You and Johnny come play with us?"

Johnny had been sitting low against the armchair, alternating between raising an eyebrow at Steve and Soda's antics and watching Perry Mason on the TV. Darry didn't seem phased by the noise as he continued to read the paper as though he were in silence, but he lifted his gaze when Two-bit announced his brother's presence.

"Yeah, Pon, ya wanna play poker?" Johnny asked softly, sitting up, looking interested.

"Ya know I'm lousy at poker, Johnny. Knowing Two-bit, I sit down at that table with a pocketful of allowance and leave broker than the muffler on Steve's car." Having heard Pony's quip, Steve froze and Soda was easily able to pin him down as he laughed.

"I'll break your muffler you get any wiser, kid," Steve muttered loudly enough for everyone to hear, causing laughter from everyone but Darry who had a suspicious smirk on his face.

"Turn up the radio and then sit down. We'll play for smokes. We all know you've got plenty enough of them, uh?"

"Two-bit, you can take my money and you can take my pride, but I ain't givin up my Kools," Dally stated.

Soda wandered over to the table after turning up the radio and suggested everyone play bullshit at a quarter a game.

Somehow through Two-bit's persuasive, albeit annoying demeanor, and Soda's vigor, everyone agreed to play. Even Darry.

Pony tuned out a bit as Two-bit went on one of his rambling tales about something that most assuredly never happened.

He thought about the way that even his brothers seemed to have brightened given the somber atmosphere of the previous evening. He wasn't sure he was entirely at ease in this situation, but he couldn't help but enjoy himself, and in comparison to the brooding he'd done the past few nights, it was more a relief than it was uncomfortable.

"So I told her 'that wasn't me that never called ya back, doll, it was my twin brother, and he died in the Vietnam war a few months ago. Thanks a lot for bringing it up, though.' I swear she felt so bad; she actually gave me a little action." Two-bit was grinning like crazy and Pony could tell by the way that Johnny looked a bit darker with flush that he should be glad he hadn't heard the whole story. "Two jacks."

"Bullshit. Ta both your cards and your story," Dally proclaimed with a sly look on his face.

"Gah. Ya know me too well, you're no fun to play with," Two-bit declared, smirking slightly while scratching his head as he took the small pile of cards.

"That's to you, Pon," Darry said when he made no move or even looked at his cards.

"Oh… what're we up to?"

"Queens," Johnny said.

"Oh, right," Pony said, smirking as he pulled a queen and an ace out of his hand. "Two Steves… I mean queens. Ah, same thing." He chuckled as he laid his cards down and Johnny put down his bit before anyone could call him on it. They were too busy laughing to do it anyway.

"Popcorn."

"Ugh, I knew it too. I guess the kid had to be good at something," Dally groaned.

"You mean besides English, science, social studies and math?" Soda asked with a grin.

"I meant things that mattered," Dally said, laying down a card he claimed was a two.

"Here here!" Two-bit and Steve said at the same time.

"Aw, leave me alone guys."

"What, you can dish it out but you can't take it?" Steve hassled him. "What a baby."

"I'd rather be one than have one." Pony muttered, referring to a pregnancy scare Steve had had with his girlfriend a few months ago that had turned out to be baseless.

"Yeah, well, you're going at it the right way," Steve said loudly, bright red.

Pony looked up with wide eyes and a pale face. He knew he was probably taking what Steve had said the wrong way, but he was worried all the same. He felt as though ice had dropped into his stomach. "W-what do ya mean by that?" he asked quietly.

"Ya know damn well what I mean by that you little smart-ass."

"No, what do you mean by that?" Pony demanded louder, though the way his palms went clammy and his heart raced, he wasn't sure where the courage had come from.

"Pony, Steve, that's enough," Darry interrupted.

"I mean you're a little queer, Pony. Always have been, always will be."

"ENOUGH!" Darry hollered loud enough that all sound but the radio and the television ceased.

"Steve, if you talk that way about my brother again, I'm gonna beat your face in. Ponyboy, quit provoking him."

Had Steve's words been any different, Pony probably would have argued that he hadn't been doing anything of the sort, but he was frozen in place, his mouth slightly ajar. Did Steve call him that just to be an asshole, or had he… had he known what had happened?

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Pony dropped into bed later that night with the event still weighing heavily on his mind. Steve, whether through decency or a strong sense of self-preservation, had dropped the subject and despite Two-bit and Soda's best efforts, the evening hadn't been able to pick up after that and broke up within the hour.

"Turn the light off for me, would ya Pon?" Soda asked from the other side of their bed, and despite his best efforts, Pony wasn't able to do so telekinetically and was forced to get out of bed.

When he returned, his brother twisted towards him so they were looking at each other in the dim, dirty streetlight filtering through their windows blinds. "Ya know Steve didn't mean what he said tonight, right? He doesn't know what he's talking about and he doesn't have any clue what happened to you or he wouldn't have opened his stupid mouth."

"He… he _doesn't_ know what happened does he? I mean, he hasn't said anything to you, has he?" Pony couldn't help but feel a little paranoid. He couldn't think of anyone he wanted to know less what had happened. He'd never be able to look at his brother's friend again, and no mater what Darry threatened him with, he knew Steve would somehow manage to find a way to torment him with the information. Steve couldn't know. He just couldn't.

"Course not, Pon," Soda said through a yawn. "No reason he should."

"He hasn't said anything you thought was strange?" Pony questioned quietly as he turned over to face the wall.

"Pony, he doesn't know. You don't have to worry about it, all right kiddo?" Soda threw an arm around him and rested his forehead against the space in between Pony's shoulders.

"No use." Pony muttered to himself.

There was quiet for a bit as Pony attempted to forget his worries, but one in particular seemed to keep vexing him.

"Soda?" he asked quietly, and his brother shifted slightly away so he could respond.

"Yeah?"

"Do you- do you want me to go sleep in your old room from now on?" Pony asked quietly turning over to face him without meeting his brother's eyes. He didn't want to hear the answer, but if his brother really did want him out, he should do the right thing and leave.

"No. Not unless you want to. Why?"

"Just… I just want to make sure you still don't mind sharing a room with me after what happened. I mean I'm… I'm disgusting now. You-"

"Pony, you're the same you were Friday night and every night before that. I love ya just the same and I want to share a room with ya for as long as you want to share one with me." Soda sounded as sincere as it was possible to sound, and his brother couldn't lie to him. He'd known that much since they'd been five years old and Soda had told him he'd been dropped off by aliens. He'd looked at his brother's face and heard his tone and had known in a second he'd made it all up.

"Really?" his voice sounded young and scared to his ears.

"Absolutely," Soda replied, putting his chin atop Pony's forehead. Wrapping his arm tighter around his little brother, Soda let his breathing even out as he fell asleep.

Pony only wished he could do the same.

A/N: So, erm, I've officially gone from pitiable to pitiful. I'm not 100 sure those are different things, but I'm counting on that you'll get that. Point being, I failed again. Ugh. But yeah, I'm not implying I don't think it was justified or that I deserve compassion. I wouldn't talk about it if not for the fact that I mentioned I was going for it again last chapter. All right, I'll let the personal information cease from here on out since I'm sure it's uninteresting for everyone. Thanks again for reading and reviewing.


	11. Chapter 11

Thanks for all the great reviews! I'm probably not going to get around to updating this until at least after Thanksgiving, but in the meantime, I hope you'll enjoy the one shot I'm posting in the next coming week. Judging from some of the reviews I've received it should make at least a few people smile.

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Heaven Forbid 

Pony stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom, attempting to grease his hair for the first time in nearly four days. It was the first time he planned on leaving the house since Saturday night, and he couldn't help but stop ever few seconds to stare at his reflection.

It was as though he were seeing his own face for the first time. The bags under his eyes were dark and made him look gaunt. He seemed pale, like he'd recently had the flu, and he could visibly see that he'd lost weight.

But it was his eyes that surprised him the most.

He could remember only days previous, thinking to himself that he would prefer his eyes to be grayer than they were green, but as he saw the dulled and dim irises, he couldn't help thinking he never should have made that wish. Never had he expected to want for his eyes to have the old naïve sparkle they'd once possessed, but it was a desire he couldn't help holding now. He looked so miserable. So… hard.

He could hear the sounds of his brothers shuffling around the kitchen as they fell into their regular sleepy routines. Soda was making breakfast, and he found himself almost smirking wondering what his brother would make for him. Yellow smiley face pancakes or green eggs and ham. Anything that would bring a smile to his face.

He planned on trying to get back into his regular schedule today. He was going to school, and Johnny promised to stick by him every moment he could, and that if he felt like he couldn't handle it that either Johnny would walk him home or one of his brother's would pick him up. The support was endearing, but he hoped none of their precautions would be necessary. It upset him to think that the enthusiasm he once held for school had died in him.

He was about to scrub fixing his hair until after breakfast when he heard the sound of Steve Randle entering his house. He could discern it immediately from Two-bit or any of the rest of the gang because Steve always banged the door twice as he kicked it open once irritably before pushing it rest of the way in. It was his routine from even before Pony's parents had died. He claimed it was because he wasn't a morning person.

"Soda… c'i talk to you?" he heard the quiet sulky voice of his brother's best friend.

"Sure, you're giving me a ride to work, right?"

"I meant now. It's kinda… important."

Pony supposed it was because his brother didn't realize he was in the bathroom, but he could hear the softening voices approaching the door he stood behind, and he held his breath, drawn between the need to know what they were saying and the shame he felt about eavesdropping on his brother.

"Look, I just need to know if what I heard was true. Don't lie to me about this, Soda. You hear?"

"Course Steve, what are you talking about?"

"I heard something about your brother." Pony was unable to detect the pause that occurred between the two as his heart jumped into his throat. He almost let out a strangled gasp, but he remembered his position and withheld it.

"W-What about him?" Soda asked. Pony squeezed his eyes shut, praying it were Darry they were discussing.

"I heard him and a Soc… they..."

He was glad he didn't have to hear Steve finish that sentence somewhere deep down, but he couldn't concentrate on anything besides the fact that Steve knew. That people knew…

"Steve." Soda hissed, his voice becoming venomous in a way Pony rarely heard. "Shut up!"

"It ain't true, is it? I mean, I figured there was something weird about the kid, but this?"

"What in gods name are you trying to say?" Soda sounded furious.

"Hey, don't get mad at me. I mean, I'm just repeating what I heard. Like, I know you love him and all, but if this is true, you gotta admit, your kid brother's screwed up."

He could hear the sound of his brother punching his best friend in the face as he sunk to the floor breathing hoarsely and the ensuing fight that occurred was muted in his ears.

Steve knew. The person he least wanted to know knew. And god only knows who else did as well. Dally? Two-bit? The kids at school? All of Tulsa?

He didn't know what scared him more, that everyone thought he'd screwed around with an older male soc, or that everyone knew he'd been raped.

"SODA ,GET OFF HIM!" Darry's words broke through the sound barrier that encumbered his ears. He put his head against the cool edge of the tub as his face heat up like a summer in Texas.

It was over. Everything… his reputation, his life… all of it.

He doubled over, finding it increasingly difficult to breathe. "Soda…" he called hoarsely. He just needed his brother – anyone to help him. "Darry…"

His heart pounded as though he were running track, and the air came thickly, filling but not satisfying his lungs. "Help."

"Pony?" Darry had heard him. "Pony where are you?" Soda, having caught on, also called his name.

His vision was tunneling around him and the small bathroom was far too small.

"The-"

The door opened and his brothers were kneeling in front of him, their voices sounding as though they were coming through water and the words not processing in his brain.

The sound of his own jagged breathing overwhelmed him and he could hear counting and then the words 'in' and 'out'. Slowly, his breathing managed to pattern itself with the numbers and he could only guess at how much time it took for the world to finally speed up to normal speed and for him to understand the words again.

"Pony, you okay?" Soda asked, anxiously.

"Soda." He whispered hurriedly before throwing himself in his brother's arms and most assuredly knocking the wind out of him, but he was unable to care at the moment.

"Shh. Shh, just calm down baby, it's all okay. Everything okay. You're going to be all right."

"Soda, I don't- I don't…"

"Calm down, shh, just settle down." Soda's voice was soft and soothing and Pony stopped babbling even though he knew everything wasn't going to be all right. It never would be or could be again.

"It's okay, Pon, it's all okay, you're going to be fine." Darry said quietly, speaking for the first time, attempting to sound soothing, but coming off as more uncomfortable than anything. Soda was practiced at comforting him after nightmares, but Darry typically hovered by the door to make sure he was all right without saying a word.

"You said… you said he didn't know Soda. Everyone's going to know. Everybody…" Soda quickly attempted to settle him again as he began to work himself up at the prospect.

"We need help-" he heard Darry say softly, intending only Soda to hear. "If this shit is spreading around, I think we oughta have Dal and Two-bit in on this."

Pony tried to ignore the realization that they both needed to be told the facts and that if anyone could stop rumors from flying, it was Dally. He wanted to be safe within his bubble of ignorance that he'd had before Steve had popped it. He wasn't safe anymore. He was looking at hard times now. Where-as managing to overcome the serious misery he'd had before was his own task, this was something he himself could not manage all his own.

"I think… I think we should tell them." Ponyboy admit, not looking up at his brother's responses, but rather staring down at the hole in his jeans.

"If- if you're sure, Pony." Darry said, wrapping an arm across his kid brother's shoulders, and Pony hid a flinch at the unexpected contact. "Come on, buddy, if you still want to go to school, I'll call you in late, but you're gonna rest up first"

Normally he would disagree, but Pony found himself exhausted following the ordeal and welcomed his brother's offer of being taken back to his bedroom.

As he was pulled to his feet, he didn't miss the hiss Darry sent Soda. "Deal with your goddamn friend out there." He was pulled close against Darry's side so he wouldn't have to look Steve in the eye. He couldn't handle that right now.

A/N: So I decided I'd like to be an organ donor. So now, right below my picture, it says 'organ donor'. Lol, that is how I told all my friends via text messaging that I passed my test. Surprisingly, they all got it in spite of some of the people I hang out with… So luckily I finally passed and you can all stop hearing about it.


	12. Chapter 12

Thanks for all the good will about getting my license. I'm glad you're all so supportive of this fanfic. You're all terrific with your reviews.

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**Heaven Forbid **

Ponyboy stepped into his fifth period class for the first time since the previous week and was immediately greeted with a barrage of whispers from his classmates. Freezing in his tracks, he glanced around nervously catching the gist that they were talking about the fact that he hadn't been in school for so long and not because they knew why.

Suddenly they halted. Behind him he could feel a presence. He turned to see Two-bit Mathews glaring ruthlessly with his jaw taut and his arms crossed at his chest looking more severe than Pony had ever seen him look outside of a rumble.

Rather than react in much the way Steve had, Dally and Two-bit had responded to the news of what had happened to the youngest Curtis with rile, and they immediately jumped to the desire for revenge. There was a very tense disagreement between Pony's eldest brother and Dallas that going out and beating up the first Soc they saw regardless of their involvement was not the best course of action.

Pony hadn't been present for the discussion, but he'd been able to hear the entire conversation from behind his door where he sat perched next to Johnny. He'd listened with a sensation of detachment. Surprisingly, he didn't need to convince himself that what they were saying had nothing to do with him. He was just able to. Somehow it was like the horrible idea of everyone knowing what had happened to him had gotten bigger and bigger until he could no longer take it anymore, and it merely imploded on himself. He couldn't take the stress of wondering without knowing.

So now he didn't care.

Let them know if they knew. He was in high school. Nothing remained a big deal for long, and girls dealt with this stuff all the time. So he wouldn't be considered tuff anymore. That had all been shot to hell when the soc had raped him anyway. As long as his friends remained his friends, the rest of the West side could go screw themselves for all he cared. That went for the East side as well if they thought him a coward for what he'd had happen to him.

And he was able to hold onto that resolution up until he'd stepped into his fifth period class before he couldn't keep it up anymore.

The teacher walked into the room, shooting Two-bit a sharp glance. The 18-year-old gave Pony one last look, followed by a stern one directed towards the rest of the class and turned on his heel, stalking out of the room.

"I see you're back Ponyboy. I hope you're feeling better." Pony's teacher, Ms. Davis barely spared him a glance before going off about her lesson plan for the day but everyone else was still preoccupied with him.

"Curtis!" He heard Dylan Thompson, a small towheaded kid he occasionally talked to that he knew to be middle-class. "I heard you were sick. What'd you have?"

Pony turned sharply, having planned on ignoring any stray comments that came close to the truth. "W-who told you that?"

"Steve Randle."

Pony considered for a moment that perhaps Steve had been referring to him as a sick person so as to mean perverted and everyone had taken it to mean that he was physically sick and that was why he'd been missing school. He could live with it even if that were the case because in truth, his brother's friend had been doing him a favor whichever way he intended it.

"I- I had the flu," He said quietly. "High fever… couldn't get it down."

"Oh. Well I hope you're all right. I could give you the notes if you want."

"Thanks." Pony said turning towards the front of the room. He thought of all the ways this could go. Considering that Steve had known, there were definitely rumors flying around. He really had no control over who found out the truth, and knowing how his school operated, if a few people knew the truth, or even a fraction of the truth, there would be fifty thousand rumors going around by the next day. He could deal with people talking about him behind his back, but he didn't think he would be able to stand people questioning him as to what had happened.

All in all, Pony was only able to concentrate on the lesson enough to copy down a few notes; the content of which he wouldn't be able to remember come the next class. Even though he'd only been here for one period, next was lunch and Two-bit and Johnny would meet him on the steps outside the building to go down to the DX for lunch.

Walking to his locker to drop off his backpack he undid the combination and looked down when a piece of paper the size of an index card fell out.

_Just Wait_… 

The note said nothing else. It had no name written on it and the handwriting didn't suggest anyone he knew.

Feeling a cold and unhealthy emotion descend over him, he numbly picked up the paper, putting it in the pocket of the oversized sweatshirt that had once been Darry's.

"You ready to go, kiddo?" Two-bit put a hand down on his shoulder, sufficiently scaring the daylights out of him. Putting a hand on his chest he closed his locker and followed the older boy out the steps to meet up with Johnny.

Escaping from the school, Two-bit rested an elbow on his shoulder that he couldn't help but shrug off uncomfortably. Ignoring the look his friend shot him, Pony hurried over to where Johnny was slouching against the wall at the bottom of the steps attempting to light a cigarette in spite of the breezy autumn afternoon.

"The breaks are out on my car, and since… since, uh, we don't have any other way of getting to the DX, you guys wanna walk or just stay here?" Two-bit had been told of the way Steve had reacted to the misunderstood rumor and had immediately jumped to Pony's defense along with Dally. Normally the four of them would head out in the same car, but Steve had been nowhere to be found since Darry and Soda had led him to his room that morning.

It was chilly out, and he could see the slightest hint of his breath, but he felt suffocated at the thought of being in the school just then and he took off down the walkway to the street, not responding, but knowing they'd follow him anyway.

They were walking for nearly four minutes before they felt themselves being trailed by a car. "Watch your back," he heard Johnny roughly whisper just loud enough to be heard as the older boy moved in closer as if to protect him. He heard the taps on Two-bit's shoes come to a halt against the pavement and knew the decision between fighting and running had been made for them.

It was odd, but while he felt most unthreatened while in Johnny's presence, he felt most safe in the company of Two-bit. The 18 year old was a better fighter than the both of them and by and large the most protective of the two youngest member of their gang following his own brothers.

Pony could feel himself beginning to panic slightly and he stuck his shaking hands in his pockets and he tensed. "It's Dal," Johnny mumbled without shifting his eyes even slightly towards the car.

Turning ever-so-slightly to his left, he saw that it was in fact Dallas.

"How'd you know?"

"The engine was stalling too bad to be a soc car."

"You hoods need a lift?" Dally asked quietly and dangerously, not having caught on that they knew. The passenger seat door swung open.

"Who you calling a h-" Two-bit's glare turned into a grin and he broke into nervous laughter. "Takes one to know one you greaser."

"Come on and get in, you're letting the heat out." They all clambered into the car, Two-bit claiming seniority and taking the front seat though neither Pony or Johnny would protest.

After Two-bit and Dally got into talking about something that was obviously not for their ears, he turned to Johnny and gave him an urgent glance. Taking out the paper he'd been fiddling with in his pocket for the past five minutes, he handed it to the tanned boy without making eye contact and after a second admitted where he'd found it.

Johnny put an insistent hand on his shoulder and when he turned to look, there was a scared glint in the bottomless black eyes. Seeing them move to the front seat inquiringly, Pony could only nod slightly before turning out the window.

He noted with odd detachment that their roles had ultimately reversed. Where-as once Johnny had been the submissive one that Pony mostly spoke for, somewhere along the way, that had changed 180 degrees. Listening to Johnny tell them about what he'd found in his locker, he couldn't truly say he was bitter about this new development. It was nice to have someone with his best interests in mind looking out for him.

"Do you have any idea who sent this to you?" Dally asked in all seriousness. "Give me a name- a single goddamn name, I'm begging you." The last bit came out a heated murmur.

"I- I don't know. Honest," Pony admit.

"Come on, kid, you must've seen his face." Pony shut his eyes and leaned his arm against the cold, foggy window of the car. "Couldn't you give me anything? Hair color? Size? Height?"

Pony didn't respond, looking up to see Dally watching him expectantly sitting at a red light, before shying away. He heard the older boy grunt in irritation and felt Johnny's hand on his shoulder. "Cut it out, Dal."

It was the second time that week Johnny had told Dally off, and it was as surprising to hear it the second time as it had been the first. It was the third time he'd told someone off that was older and larger than himself. Pony wasn't sure how to feel about that. Below the numbness that was occupying him currently, he could feel the quick succession of pins and needles running up his back warmly. He didn't know if it was just because he was Johnny's best friend or because he felt he owed it to him somehow after failing to stop what had happened to him, but having a protective Johnny Cade watching out for him was uplifting at the least.

"Whatever." Dally muttered, not bothering to snap.

"Whose car is this, Dal?" Two-bit asked.

"The less you know the better." Dally said, clearly not happy about having to take lip from the younger, smaller boy in the backseat.

"You driving us around in a hot car, Dal? Darry'll bury you alive he finds out you took his kid brother out in a car you stole."

"It ain't a stolen car. The person I took it from just don't know I have it's all."

Two-bit gave such a sarcastic look that Pony actually managed a short laugh as they pulled into the DX station.

"Uh oh… looks like trouble." Two-bit declared quietly and Pony snapped his head around to see what had been meant by that. Grimacing, he turned to Johnny to point out Steve Randle's car in the parking lot.


	13. Chapter 13

As requested... there's some Johnny drama in this chapter. (There was gonna be anyway, but I thought I'd try and make you feel special Maddiecake...) I hope you enjoy this chapter, short as it may be. The next one is longer and a bit cuddlier but hopefully you'll review this one anyway.

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**Heaven Forbid **

Pony braced himself, working up the courage to exit 'Dally's' car and face whatever Steve might throw at him.

Through logical deduction, he realized his brother was inside the small store the DX had that sold connivance items rather than at the pumps. Looking around and seeing Steve nowhere, he guessed that was where his brother's friend was as well. He heard a loud crash coming from within the store and knew his assumption had been correct.

"Dammit Steve! I spent 20 minutes stacking those bottles!" his brother's voice boomed from behind the door and Two-Bit raced to interfere before any punches could be thrown. Dally sped his step up just the slightest bit. Johnny was the only one to keep pace with Pony, who couldn't get there slow enough.

"I don't care, Soda. Now listen to me, would ya?"

"I don't give a damn wha-" Two-bit entered the store followed soon after by Dally and they stopped speaking

Pony paused in front of the entrance, not knowing what to expect when he showed his face, and Johnny put a hand on his shoulder and gave him what might have been a half smirk but seemed more like a grimace.

Looking down, he pushed the door open, hesitating before looking up to see the stormy dark eyes of Steve Randle. Johnny put his hand back on his shoulder and noticing Steve's taken-aback expression, Pony looked back to see the hardest look he'd ever seen in Johnny Cade's eyes aimed at Soda's best friend.

"Look, kid…" Steve started, sounded aggravated and resentful.

"No, you look!" Johnny stated with the fierceness Pony might expect out of Dally, or Darry, or Steve himself, but never of Johnny. "Don't talk to him. Don't even look at him! I don't care what you thought happened for you to say something like that, but if you had a single fucking clue as to what did, you'd have thought twice."

There was dead silence as everyone in the small store all stared open-mouthed at the small boy's angry tone and forceful words. Their significance was partially lost as their shock took over and Pony had to think hard to even recall what he'd said.

"Apologize." Johnny said, his voice squeaking slightly as he gained some realization of what he'd just said and to whom.

There was a silence for a few ticks when something even more miraculous than Johnny's yelling took place. Steve apologized.

"I'm sorry." His eyes were still glowing with bitterness, and his jaw was clenched and the veins in his throat could be easily made out through his taut skin. "I didn't know."

Pony shrunk against Johnny as the eyes of his brother, Steve, Dally and Two-bit found him. He nodded slightly, hoping that would suffice to accept his apology.

"I wanna go home." He whispered so only Johnny could hear him. "Will you- ?"

Johnny nodded and gave his shoulder a slight squeeze before walking over towards where Soda stood to let him know. Pony fell back further into the store, coming to stand behind a display of potato chips.

Soda approached him after speaking with Johnny, squeezing his shoulder similarly to how Johnny had and leaning forward to look him in the eye. "You want Two-Bit to drive you, or you just want to walk?" Soda asked.

Pony felt caught between not wanting to be alone on the street with only Johnny and not wanting to have to face Two-Bit and Dally's questions or accusations.

After a moment's consideration he agreed to let Johnny walk him there. Somehow he knew that Johnny would kill or be killed before he let something else happen to him.

"You're gonna have to tell your brothers about this," Johnny stated without reserve as soon as they got half a block from the DX station.

Ponyboy's purple-rimmed eyes met the darker boy's with bitter acceptance, knowing what he referred to without having to be told. "They won't like it."

"You think… it was from him?" The fabric of Johnny's jeans jacket brushed against his bear arm and he shuddered involuntarily causing the older boy to look at him. His nerves were on fire from sleep deprivation as well as uneasiness from the anxiety that was beginning to build up in him. The note he'd gotten was part of it, but to be honest, somewhere deep down he'd known this wasn't finished.

"Why can't this be over?" Pony asked, avoiding the question. He shoved his fists in his pockets and his face contorted into a look of distress. "I just want this to be over."

There was nothing for the tan boy to say in response so they merely walked, Johnny throwing an arm of comfort around Pony's shoulders.

"Have you thought about going to the police?" Johnny asked a few minutes later as they walked towards Pony's block.

Pony nodded, glancing sideways with a defeated look. "They'd take me away if they found out."

"What?"

"I've thought about it, and social services would come and put me in a home for sure if they found out something like this happened. Especially if they found out I never went to the hospital or reported it to the police or nothing. I can't tell anyone."

"Oh," was all Johnny could say. They walked in silence, Johnny occasionally nudging into his shoulder teasingly, trying to get a smile out of him. Nothing seemed to do it, even when Johnny came to a dead stop in order for Pony to pass him and get confused, but that did nothing but scare him, thinking that his friend had seen something worrisome. After that, Johnny laid off.

"How've you been sleeping?" Johnny asked, kicking a soda bottle in front of them. The skittering, echoing noise it was making wasn't helping his nerves any. "Any- any nightmares lately?"

Pony sighed, looking over and shrugging. "I wouldn't know- haven't been _doing_ much sleeping lately."

"Why's that?"

Sighing again, he tried to explain. "I'm up all night, tossing and turning, and I'm keeping Soda awake even though he won't say anything. So I go into his old room to toss and turn there, but… well… I don't really like being left alone with my thoughts so I have to go back into our bed. And even when I get to sleep, I can only stay asleep for up to an hour at a time just because I'm so worried I'm going to have dreams and-" Pony blushed catching himself after realizing how forthright he was being.

Seeing the troubled look on his friend's face, he felt awkward and wanted the spotlight taken off of him. "How about you?"

Johnny stayed quiet for nearly a minute before looking at his friend with sadness. "I woke up screaming last night. Dreaming about what happened. My dad woke up and-" here Johnny stopped himself. He never liked to go into detail of how his dad hurt him.

"He didn't break anything did he?" Johnny had been oddly protective of his ribcage, and Pony thought he knew why.

"Well, I think my bed frame might have split, but I can just put the mattress on the ground…"

"Johnny, I meant bones." Pony mumbled.

"Oh." His friend stopped himself, his left arm coming up to wrap itself under his breastbone.

Pony sighed, fed up with how poorly his best friend was treated without reason. "If ya stay at my house until tonight, Darry'll wrap it for ya."

Johnny smirked, partially out of thanks, and partially because he knew Pony was saying this because he wanted him to stay over. Not only to keep Johnny safe from his dad, but to keep Pony safe from harm. And though he knew there was little harm to be found at his own home, he couldn't help never feeling safe anymore. As much as he wished it weren't true… it was.

A/N: Sorry for the slow updates and... slow plot progression. Holiday stress and all that... Thanks for all the great reviews. They really keep me upbeat. Thanks a lot.


	14. Chapter 14

I got some lovely reviews last chapter, and as always I'm very grateful for all the encouragement. Hope you enjoy.

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**Heaven Forbid **

"You aren't going back tomorrow, Pony." Darry told him, staring with distress at the note Pony had found in his locker earlier that morning. It had taken nearly an hour of pointed looks across the room from Johnny to get him to confess.

Darry hadn't taken it very well, and Soda was still slightly red out of anger. It was scary to see his happy-go-lucky brother who never had a problem with anyone for too long so angry and easily provoked. In contrast to the way that Johnny's protectiveness made him feel safe, Soda's made him feel almost uneasy.

"Darry, I can't just not go to school anymore."

"Well, after tomorrow it's the weekend and we can figure out what to do about this on Monday."

Ponyboy put his head down on the sofa cushion where he'd propped himself against the couch, curling his legs underneath him.

"Won't social services know how much school he's been missing?" Soda asked, finally getting his anger in check.

"They didn't seem to care when you dropped out of school." Two-Bit added in the middle of blowing smoke rings across their living room. It was a sign of how tense and distracted Darry was that he hadn't noticed thus far that both Two-Bit and Dally were smoking. Steve was at work and for this Pony was glad. He understood that his best chance of defense was the two hoods sitting in his living room being involved in whatever their plans were, but that didn't make him okay with it.

He couldn't help but feel uncomfortable, wondering what Two-Bit must have thought of him. What Dallas Winston must have thought of him... What must have been going through their heads when they spoke to him or even looked at him?

Glancing at Dally he nodded at his hand, signaling for a cigarette and gave him a smirk of thanks when the blonde-haired greaser handed him a Kool. Lately he'd grown fonder of menthol cigarettes. He liked the burning sensation in his throat when he inhaled. It was feeling that didn't involve any real feeling. That was the kind for him.

"He was 16 when he dropped out. He was in his right to. Pony's only 14," Darry said, face to the ceiling, ticking his fingers against the arm of his chair. "Not that that's an option," he stated for good measure and Pony didn't have to look up to know a pointed glance was being shot at him by his oldest brother.

"If anyone asks about it, we'll just tell them you've been sick." Soda gave a look around the room as if to confirm that with everyone.

"That's what they think anyway," Pony said, facing the couch so as not to look anyone in the eye.

"Why's that?"

"Cause... that's what Steve told them."

It took a few moments for that to sink in for everyone and for them to realize what he had meant.

"Asshole." Pony didn't have to look up to realize that Soda had said it. His brother came over to sling an arm over his shoulder and he didn't have to energy or desire to push it off.

"Pony, there's an option I think we may have to consider..." Darry said, finally taking his eyes off the ceiling and frowning when he realized that Pony was smoking. "You... you probably won't like it though."

Pony grimaced slightly but looked at Darry with uneasy acceptance.

"We- we could move you back a year."

Pony's eyes grew large as he stared at his Soda, his mouth slightly agape, checking to see if he'd heard right.

"No-" Soda said in disbelief. "Darry, he... He wouldn't do well to be in the 9th grade again. He's too smart to be repeating a grade."

"I know that, Soda. But if he's getting notes in his locker that means that someone at that high school's gonna give him grief and they might have a worse time of it if Pony were in junior high again."

"Nuh uh." Pony said resolutely. "No way. You ain't putting me back a grade."

Darry rubbed at his eyes before giving his little brother a sad look. "Pony, I'm not going to force you to. I just want you to think about how much safer it would be if you were away from all that."

"But what about us?" Johnny asked, speaking for the first time. "At the high school he's got me and Two-Bit looking out for him at least. He ain't got no one in Junior High."

"I just feel like you oughta keep a low profile for awhile, Pony, and changing schools would help."

"I... I'll think about it, all right Darry?" Pony offered, knowing he wouldn't agree to it, but not wanting to brush Darry off entirely.

"Yeah, okay Kiddo."

Pony didn't have much trouble falling asleep that night. He'd tossed and turned so much he could hardly stand to be alone with his thoughts for another minute the previous nights and exhaustion was taking its toll. Yet somehow being so fatigued wasn't enough to keep away the nightmares and for the first time since the night he'd been raped, he dreamed.

_It was pitch dark but he knew exactly where he was. He was in the alleyway. And he wasn't alone._

_He could hear breathing somewhere around him making the hair on his arms, legs and back of his neck stand up straight. The breathing sounded incensed. He could tell whoever it was knew he was there. _

'Just Wait'

_He was sure it hadn't been spoken out loud, but he heard it just the same. He felt the quaking in his stomach that indicated he was shaking, but he couldn't see the rest of him to be sure._

_There was movement behind him causing him to whip around and nearly lose his balance. Again he couldn't see anything. He could still sense movement, however._

'Just Wait'.

_This time he couldn't be certain if it had been within his head or not. All he was aware of was that he was rooted to the ground. He couldn't move. Something brushed his arm and he felt hot breath upon his neck and in his ear._

"_Just wait." _

Ponyboy could sense himself trembling – quaking from head to toe –, but he felt paralyzed in his movements. Drops of sweat seemed to be making their way down his forehead and their path was irritatingly slow.

He realized quite suddenly that he couldn't breath. He was choking.

He shook harder as he tried to gain control of his body and the drops of sweat slipped down his chin onto his neck making the sensation almost unbearable.

"Pony?" a voice whispered. Had he been able to move, to breath, to make a noise, he knew he would have been crying in fear and helplessness.

A finger twitched and quite suddenly he was free.

Pony heard himself gasp and his eyes shot open to find blotchy hues of gray and white. He scrambled to get away from the presence beside him and felt pain and dazedness as he cracked his head against the end table besides his bed before crumpling to the floor. His ears were filled with strange noises it took a second to realize were coming from himself. His breathing was strangled and squeaky and his body continued to sweat and shake out of fear.

"Pony, oh my gosh are you all right?" he heard Soda ask. Pony realized quite suddenly exactly where he was and what was going on and curled into a ball as the overwhelming awareness washed over him.

"Oh God." He knew Soda was approaching him but he couldn't seem to react in any way to his presence. "You're bleeding! DARRY!"

"S-S-Soda? Don't- don't leave me." He whispered the last part.

"DARRY, GET IN HERE QUICK!" Soda called and lowered his tone to address his brother. "Pony, it's okay. Oh honey, what happened?" His brother's hand met his sweat-soaked forehead, brushing the fringe back hesitantly. Pony's flinch went unnoticed, as his shaking was harsh enough to be able to mask it.

"God, you're soaked." Soda said, running a hand through his hair. "Come here, baby." Soda said and, overcome with the need to be supported, he found his brother's arms and fell into them.

"Soda? Pony?" They were both on the floor beside the bed and out of sight. The light came on quite suddenly and Pony hid his unknowingly bleeding head in his brother's embrace. Darry's heavy footsteps became louder as he approached them and a sharp inhalation marked their halt. "What happened?"

"Nightmare. He- he hit his head on the end table –he's bleeding." A soft plop besides him caused him to look up into the pale sea-colored eyes he was surprised to realize he'd once thought had been reminiscence of ice. They held nothing but terrified worry in them that he realized quite suddenly had been there before and he'd been too bullheaded to realize it.

"Lemme see it. Soda let's get him out into the living room where the light's better." Soda wasn't strong enough to carry him and yet, as he clung to his middle brother in distress, he felt himself being lifted without the assistance of Darry.

Pony was set down on their couch and though he clung to Soda tightly, he didn't turn away when Darry made to examine the cut on his forehead. "This is pretty bad." He heard Darry talking, but he stopped paying attention to his words.

What had happened in there? Pony was sure he'd never experienced that before. He hoped he'd never have to again.

A stinging pain made him jump and coming to attention he realized Darry had been cleaning the gash on his temple. He heard hissing that he was surprised wasn't coming from himself. "It's deep," Darry said. "It'll need stitches, Pony. But I need you to stop shaking before I try to put them in."

Darry handed him a few aspirin out of the bottle in the first aid kit that had been left out after Darry took care of Johnny early in the evening, and seeing only a half-empty beer bottle went into the bathroom, returning with a cup of water.

He turned in Soda's embrace to stare at shaking fingers. "Come on Pony, just relax. Lean back and take deep breaths. Relax, baby, you're with us, nothing's going to hurt you anymore." He remembered thinking that Soda could put anyone to sleep if he put his mind to it, and he found his own assessment was true. "Everything'll be okay. We'll take care of it." Soda's soothing words made him feel calm. His trembling was slowing down and his breathing was evening out. He felt soft circles being rubbed into his back and his thoughts came unhurried as the events dulled in his head.

Soda's whispered words continued in much the same way as he settled his back against his brother's chest and attempted to make himself as content as possible, noticing Darry's absence only when he returned to the room carrying a handful of things not the least of which being the sewing kit. He didn't expect he'd ever get over his irrational fear of needles, and he wasn't about to at this moment. Hearing Soda's words and seeing Darry's uncharacteristically concerned gaze, he felt strange. Like he was in some kind of trippy Twilight Zone episode.

Here Soda was, his usual energy gone from him replaced with care and precision as he attempted to calm his little brother down. And the hardness and detachment he was used to seeing in Darry now that their parents had died was gone in light of fear. And Darry never showed fear – he showed anger and stiffness but never fear.

"Pone, you're soaked, I got you a change of clothes." Darry said, putting the garments in his lap and unfolding a towel, which he handed to Soda. Pony felt the fabric run through his hair as Soda dried it for him as Darry tugged at his shirt.

Pony pushed back against the hands and raised his knees in discomfort. "I'll- I'll do it." His brother raised his eyebrows but desisted, busying himself with threading and disinfecting the needle he'd use to put in the stitches and Pony found himself less than reassured at the sharp-looking tip.

Pulling the shirt up over his head, he sufficiently irritated the wound on his temple, causing it to start bleeding again. "P-!" Darry bit his tongue looking like he wanted to berate him but bit back the words. His oldest brother carefully slipped the new tee shirt – one he recognized as Johnny's that had been left at their house– over his head after Soda had dried him off. He quickly changed the jeans he'd fallen asleep in for sweatpants, shivering slightly in discomfort and slipping back into Soda's protective hold.

"Just keep still and this won't hurt too much." Pony leaned in further to his middle brother, wrapping his arms around his back and gripping his shirt with intensity. "Stop tensing... you'll only make it worse."

A hand came up to stroke his locks and unstick strands of hair from his forehead. The sting of pain came unexpectedly. Pressing his check against Soda and being reassured by the gentle caress, he allowed the pain to come in waves without speaking or making noise.

When his brother finally announced he was finished, he was all ready exhausted enough to want to curl up where he half sat, half lay on the couch.

"Come on little buddy. Lets get you back to bed." For a second, Pony actually thought that Darry was addressing Soda and not him and he felt a strong upwelling of sadness. The kind of betrayal that left goose bumps on his arms thinking they were going to leave him alone in the living room. "Soda, I think we should sleep in my bed tonight. It's bigger and we can sleep on either side of him so if he moves he won't fall out of bed."

He felt himself hoisted off the couch and he didn't care to look to see which of his brothers had done it even though he knew it was Darry. He was just glad that he'd been wrong.

He didn't much care for the firmness of Darry's mattress, however curling up in a ball, he allowed himself to be wrapped up in a staticky but soft blanket and relished the warmth.

"Darry?" he asked drowsily.

"Shh. You're tired, go to sleep." Darry told him. Ignoring the statement, he pushed forward with his question.

"Why- why'd you call me that?" he was half paying attention to what he was saying but he heard the answer clearly after a moment's pause.

"Cause I love you, Pony, now shut up and get to sleep."

A/N: Eh, ok so maybe not the cuddliest chapter I've ever written, but hopefully it will suffice. Thanks go out to my beta Laughing for sitting and pulling this damn thing apart with me for half an hour until I hated it and then sewing it back together so that I liked it again. And to Maddiecake for dedicating a chapter to me. You rock! Now update. : P


	15. Chapter 15

Thanks for the continuing support with this fic. I hit a breakthrough so the updates should be coming quicker now that I know exactly where I'm going with this story. Hopefully.

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Heaven Forbid 

Slipping onto his back, Pony spread out amongst the roots of the tree trunk. He'd actually sought out a tree to sit at the base of with a space cushion among the roots that would cradle him, and as luck would have it, this one did so perfectly. It hadn't been difficult to find it being that it was in his backyard and all. Go figure.

Before heading off to school that morning, Johnny had come by for breakfast and to drop off something for him. It was a novel. Gone With the Wind. He remembered mentioning having wanted to read it after seeing the movie with his dark-haired friend but he felt a little touched Johnny had remembered, let alone bought it for him.

"Hey kid, you gotta match?" asked a long-legged boy with ruffled brown hair. He was wearing jeans but his shirt was a collared button down that gave away his status as middle-class. He wasn't sure what a middle-class kid was doing walking in the alleyway behind the gate of his backyard. "Jesus, it's windy as shit."

Pony got to his feet warily, keeping his eyes low to the ground and fishing in his pocket for a lighter. Handing it over the fence, he stepped back when the boy took it from him. Standing beside him, he realized the boy must have been at least a year older than him.

"I'm Pete. Thanks for the light." Pete said, taking the lighter, glancing at him as if to place his face before lighting up.

"Welcome." Pony said, trying to make it clear he wasn't up for conversation.

"You gotta name?"

Pausing, Pony looked up at the guy and met him in the eye. "Johnny." He said, not sure why.

"You're probably wondering so I'm gonna tell ya, Johnny. I'm cutting school and I can't be in my neighborhood right now since I've got three widows living near me just itching to see me head back to my house with my parent's work numbers all written down. That's why I'm walking through the East side. There, now you aren't curious anymore."

Pony didn't pretend like he had been, holding his hand out to take his lighter back. No one but his brothers knew, but roughly a week after his parents died, he'd gone into their old bedroom for the first time, taken one thing that had belonged to each of them and exited the room. Since then, he'd carried His father's lighter with him at all times. His mother's handkerchief was folded neatly and put under his and Soda's mattress. He liked to think that way one of his parents was watching out for him all the time.

But he'd been wrong before.

"Kid, what'd you say your name was?" Pete asked.

"Johnny."

"Johnny...?"

Pony stayed perfectly still, wondering what exactly this kid wanted. "Randle."

"You any relation to Steve Randle?"

He hadn't been expecting that just then and he nodded without realizing he had.

"He's... my cousin."

"So you'll know he got his face beat in today by some soc."

Pony furrowed his eyebrows wondering if he should hear about it from some stranger, but curiosity overwrought him. "Why's that?"

"Well have you heard about that grease that got... well... there's this 14-year-old kid, I don't remember his name, something weird... he screwed around with this 22-year-old soc, and get this... it was a guy!" Ponyboy's stomach went cold as ice.

"I heard differently." Pony said, his voice coming hoarse, but Pete overlooked it in place of his words.

"Yeah?"

"Heard it wasn't exactly voluntary." He felt safe somehow with his ruse in place protecting him from any direct questions.

"Heh." The kid took a drag from his cigarette. "Wouldn't surprise me. Dave's not exactly the most couth person alive."

"Dave?"

"Yeah, Dave Fickler. God, that guy's fucked up. Only man I know that would brag about hooking up with a kid. Jeez."

"What... what happened to Steve?"

"This is just what I heard when I stopped by Jay's this morning for a coffee, so I'm not sure. I guess he stuck up for the kid and one of those soc assholes Fickler's friends with gave it to him. Didn't even give him fair odds. God, them guys ain't playing with a full deck. I don't care how rich that guy is, I'd rather see him locked up than run into him in a dark alley." Pete finished his cigarette and shuddered slightly.

"Whatever. I think your cousin's all right aside from a broken nose and a few bruises." Pete seemed ready to move on. "Anyhow, thanks for the light.

"Yeah, thanks for the information..." Pony said absentmindedly. The only thing going through his mind right then was _Dave Fickler, Dave Fickler, Dave Fickler_.

It looked like Dally was going to get his wish.

Lying on the couch later, Pony stared at the ceiling trying to think about what everything meant for him. He had a name. He could tell his brothers and the gang who it was and they would inevitably find this guy and beat the snot out of him. And yet, that didn't matter, did it? Yes, the guy would get what was coming to him, but what would that solve? He'd still have raped him. He'd still be harassed by people who knew the truth and the rumors would still spread. What good could possibly come from everyone knowing who it was; what his name was.

The storm door was kicked in before it was opened behind him and without even looking up he turned on his side and curled in a bit.

"Soda home?" he heard Steve ask and he shut his eyes tight at the anxious tone he used.

"N-no." he said without looking.

He felt more than heard Steve sit down at the end of the couch peaked one eye open to see if Steve seemed to have any cruelty in mind by his visit. He didn't know the boy well enough to know if the apology he'd issued the previous day had been meant or if it had been said for the benefit of everyone else in the small store.

"Ponyboy, I... I know who it was." Steve said awkwardly. "We can do something now... go after him and kill him or something."

Pony raised himself up so his back leaned against the armrest. He slid the pillow out from behind him and pulled it into his lap as though it would place a barrier between the two.

"Dave Fickler." Pony said quietly watching Steve's eyes widen with trepidation. He noticed the two purpling eyes that framed the black irises of the older boy, noticing how much they differed from Johnny's despite their color. Johnny's held fear and softness. Steve's held hardness and vivacity.

"How'd you know?"

"Someone told me this morning. He told me about what you did..." Here Pony stopped himself. He didn't understand why Steve had done what he'd done but he wasn't going to ask if the other greaser wasn't willing to give the answer.

"Look... Pone-Ponyboy." Steve said, realizing he didn't feel comfortable calling the teen by a nickname. "I just want you to know..."

"Why'd you do it?" Pony asked without emotion.

"I said I was sorry, all right? I didn't know the whole truth... I was having a rough time with Evie and my dad. I guess I took it out-"

"Not that... I know why you did that." Pony responded in a severe voice wondering where the courage to say this was coming from. "You hate me. I know it. You don't have to pretend. I don't care anyway... it doesn't matter to me. I wanna know why you stood up for me. What was in it for you? Did you want Soda to find out and forgive you? I'll tell him about it if that's what you want."

"Ponyboy-!" Steve interrupted harshly. "Shut it, kid. I'm gonna say this once and only once." His face softened slightly and Pony saw something scary in his eyes: Compassion. "You and me don't get along, all right? I get it, you get it. It probably ain't gonna change any time soon. It don't make a whole lot of difference to me and I doubt it does to you, so whatever. But I forgot something real important the other day when I told people about what I thought happened between you and that Soc. I forgot and... and I'm making good for it, you got that? I forgot the rule, Pony, and I ain't ever gonna forget it again. I don't care if we like each other or we can't stand each other's guts, but we stick together anyway. So I got your back, Ponyboy. Whether I like you or not, I'll find that guy and stomp his ass for what he done to you."

"No." Pony said, coming to a decision in his mind.

"What do you mean no?" Steve asked, an accusing tone to his voice.

"I mean..." taking a deep breath, he looked Steve in the eye. "I mean I don't want to go after this guy."

Pony expected an explosion, or for Steve to call him every name in the book for his decision, whether because he thought Ponyboy ought to want revenge for what happened or because it meant Steve was being denied a fight, he wasn't sure. Instead Steve's tone was slightly surprised but mostly curious. "Why?"

"What good would it do? Even if we beat the tar out of him and his gang, it still don't make a difference. What's done is done. Nothing good could come out of beating someone up. It'll only make them angrier and it ain't gonna make me feel any better. You think- " Pony choked remembering who he was talking to but understanding that on some level, Steve would understand this. "You think I want my brothers to know what the guy that r-raped me looks like? You think I want to know? It was too dark to see his face and I'm glad it was. I don't know who did it or what he looks like, and I prefer it that way."

Steve was looking at him with an expression of irritation and bitter understanding. He gave one brief nod before getting to his feet.

"Steve, if you want to do right by me, I want you to do one thing and one thing only for me. I want you take the name Dave Fickler and forget you ever heard it."

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A/N: A bit short, but I think it got its point across. Merry Christmas to everybody who celebrates it. This should be my last update for the holidays since everything gets so crazy around this time of year. 


	16. Chapter 16

I changed the rating to mature at the request of a PM. (It should have been done ages ago.) Hope your hols were good and your New Years even better than the last. Thanks for reading and reviewing.

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Heaven Forbid 

"Absolutely not. It's out of the question," Darry stated firmly ignoring the pleading look on his little brother's face as he signed his name to a check to the electric company. Pony didn't think it an unreasonable request to be allowed to go out to the movie theater Saturday night after a week of essentially staying in the house for the entire time. Bored was gnawing at his nerves and the lack of excitement was suffocating.

In reality, the fear of being out in the open and in a place where everyone went on Friday and Saturday nights was a bit overwhelming. It made matters worse that he would really have little to nothing preventing him from being accosted by anyone that wished to such as he might in school.

"But Johnny and Dal are going."

"Yeah, that helped a whole bunch last time." Darry said under his breath as he turned around to put an oven mitt over his hand to get the casserole out of the oven.

"Darry!" Pony said with a bit of a whining quality to his voice.

"Look, maybe if Soda were with ya or something, it would be okay, but I think I'd just rather you wait a few more weeks before doing anything that might draw attention to you."

"So if I can get Soda to take me, I can go?" Asked Pony, choosing to look past the fact that Darry had essentially told him he wanted Pony to stay in the house for weeks knowing neither he nor Soda would allow that to happen.

Darry chuckled dryly. "That's highly unlikely."

Soda had come in smoking in an irritable mood the previous day following work that Steve had informed them had nothing to do with their job or the current situation with Pony. Sandy had broken up with him, having more or less broken his heart in the process. To make matters worse, she was pregnant with another guy's baby. Soda had as far as to offer to marry her in spite of everything and she'd refused. She would be on her way to her grandparent's house come the next morning.

Lying in bed later that night, Soda had been on the verge of tears, though he hadn't said a word about it and Pony could only rub his shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting manner and keep his mouth shut. Through some act of God, he'd managed not to have a nightmare and Soda had barely spoken since then.

"What about you?" Pony asked, realizing he must be desperate. There was no way Darry would agree.

"What _about_ me?" Darry asked, handing him a stack of dishes with which to set the table. Come Saturday nights, they set the table for seven not knowing who would turn up at dinner.

"Well... couldn't you come? That would be perfect. Nothing could possibly happen to me with you there, right?"

"Pone, I got bills to pay and things I could be doing instead of following around a bunch of teenagers all night."

"But... I miss spending time with you. And you never go out anymore." Pony said, trying to keep the guilt out of his voice that the only reason he was saying as much was because he was desperate to go out. He couldn't say he didn't feel that way, but he didn't expect he'd be saying it otherwise.

Turning around to face him with a raised eyebrow that would have made Two-Bit jealous, Pony knew Darry wasn't buying it. "Pony..."

The teen sighed, hoping that wouldn't earn him a lecture.

"Hasn't it crossed your mind that it's only been a week since... since you had that happen to you? And you're willing to go right back out same as last week? Aren't you worried? Doesn't it bother you?"

"Darry." Pony sighed again, sitting down at the table and watching as Darry sat across from him and stared at him in uncertainty. "Of course it's occurred to me. And yeah, I'm worried. But... I ain't letting it control me. It's bad enough I'm having nightmares and anxiety attacks, but I'm not turning into some damn phobic over it. The sooner I get out and face everything the better. I stay inside and I'm gonna start thinking there's something _to_ fear by going outside and I'm not gonna want to. I'd rather go out and end up facing someone with something nasty to say than stay inside and dread having that happen to me without knowing if it will."

Darry gave him a hard look, as though weighing his words before putting on a grim look. "All right... You can go, but I'm coming with you, and I don't wanna hear a word's protest about it."

Pony found it difficult to fight the smile that was growing across his face and he mimed zippering his lip before getting up to set the rest of the table.

Dinner rolled around and the gang slowly began showing up. First Johnny, then Two-Bit and Dallas before Steve finally strolled in seeming a bit nervous.

Since apologizing to Pony, Steve and Soda had been on okay terms albeit somewhat tense when it came to Steve coming in the house seeing as none of the gang was aware that the two had made amends the previous day.

Steve had let Pony know in no uncertain terms that he had no intention of forgetting the name Dave Fickler, but because Pony had told him so blatantly that he didn't want any of the rest of the gang to know who he was, he was keeping any information he found out about the guy to himself. In some twist of fate, Steve was going to be quietly watching out for Ponyboy.

And in an even bigger twist of fate, that somehow reassured him more than it did worry him.

Out of the seven of them, Steve was now the only one out of the gang that knew what the man looked like and would keep an eye out in case he ever saw him anywhere near Soda's little brother.

"Come on, Soda. You gotta eat." Darry said with an anxious voice going to stand in front of their door.

"No I don't." Soda said.

"I'll talk to him." Steve said, going into the room and shutting the door. Not a moment later the sound of springs creaking and the bed frame groaning met Pony's ears.

"Don't break the damn bed, Steve!" Soda's voice could be heard followed by the sound of a pillow smacking him across the face and Pony wandered back into the kitchen secure that Steve would get Soda out of his funk and get him to eat.

Sitting at the table across from his best friend, Johnny gave him a questioning look from behind a glass of chocolate milk. "He say yes?"

"He's coming with us." Pony said. A moment later he flinched away from the spray coming out of Johnny's mouth.

"WHAT?" Johnny asked in shock, blushing as the rest of the gang stared at him in shock.

"Yuck." Pony said, wiping flecks of milk off his face.

"Sorry." Johnny told him, getting up to get a rag to clean the mess up. "Just a little surprised."

"Well that's your plate." Pony teased.

Soda emerged from his bedroom looking a bit grim but as Steve nudged into him with his elbow again and again he finally resigned to wrestling the dark haired greaser to the ground good-naturedly. Even if Pony didn't like Steve, he couldn't deny he was at least as good a friend to Soda as Johnny was to him.

Sitting down to eat the casserole Darry made, the customary smart remarks flew as everyone said something wise about Darry's cooking.

"Hey Superman, what animal is this again? You said it was hamburger but I think I've found a talon."

"It looks more like a hoof. Or maybe it's a human foot!"

"No, it just tastes like a foot."

"All right, that's enough." Darry said. "If you don't like it don't show up at my house hungry then. Go eat at your own houses."

"Shoot, My mom puts TV dinners in the oven without taking it out of the cardboard box, I'd rather eat here." Two-Bit said laughing.

"Then quit complaining or you can go back to eating pop-tarts."

Dinner continued in the same way, with at least two fights breaking out of something said and three occasions of drinks being spilt. Darry had long since quit putting down a tablecloth. Soda and Steve volunteered to clear the table and Johnny helped Pony do the dishes so they could go out as soon as possible.

"You guys want to take the truck to the movies or walk?" Darry asked from the living room.

"Take a car? To a drive-in? You crazy?" Dally joked.

"Crazy as a loon to let you four greasers in my house every Saturday for dinner." Darry came back with, genially. He liked having the gang there just like the rest of them, Pony knew.

"Darry let's take the car." Pony admit.

"Yeah," was the general consensus from anyone who agreed to go.

Steve somehow convinced Soda to go to the races with Two-Bit and Dally and Johnny were going to ride with Pony and Darry in his truck.

"Pony, you can finish the dishes after we get home." Darry seemed like he wanted this night to be over before it even began which did little to reassure his brother.

Only three people could fit in the cab of Darry's truck so Dally and Johnny sat in the bed. "Listen to me, Pony." Darry told him, turning down the radio as they turned on Archer Street. "If anyone says anything to you, I don't want you to respond or even react to them. You just let me handle it, you got that?"

"Yeah, Darry." Pony replied.

"If you feel like you need to leave at any time, just tell me and we can go straight home."

Pony was getting a little sick of being so babied by his oldest brother but didn't feel right saying anything to him about it.

"Yeah, all right Darry." Pony replied instead.

"And listen to me. Don't leave my sight."

That was going too far. "You can't treat me like this, Darry! I'm old enough to take care of myself and you know that. I know you want to protect me and make sure nothing ever happens to me again but I'm not made of glass, all right?"

Darry's jaw clenched and the vein in his neck could clearly be seen. Neither said another word as they pulled into the parking lot in front of the movie after paying. The Nightly Double was playing Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, which was just fine for Pony.

After pulling to a stop and parking the car, Pony got out of the truck and quite suddenly remembered that he'd forgotten a jacket. It didn't take but a moment for his teeth to start chattering and Darry noticed immediately as he lowered the tailgate for him.

After climbing up to sit with Johnny and Dal, he felt something warm and light slung over his head. The green fabric of the hooded sweatshirt Darry had been wearing fell into his lap. After exchanging a silent question with Darry – "Are you sure?" – and getting an answer to the affirmative, he slipped the still warm sweatshirt over his head and gave his brother a half smirk. The whole scene didn't exactly bode well for his argument that he didn't need Darry to take care of himself.

Pony couldn't help but sink down slightly where he was sitting, knowing no one would talk about him if they didn't know he was there. Soon as the movie started and he got more and more bored with it having seen it so many times, he sat upright looking around at the action going on in the parking lot and seeing who was getting in and out of who's car and what not.

Darry looked bored as anything, and it didn't take long for Dally to take off in search of something more interesting than the movie. Pony had seen it more times than he could count but Johnny seemed very into the story.

"I'm going to the bathroom, I'll be right back." Pony said, jumping over the side of the truck.

"You want to get me a coke?" Johnny asked without taking his eyes off the screen.

"Here, get yourself one too." Darry told him, handing him some change. "Stay safe, Pony. Holler if you need help." Pony figured the only reason Darry was letting him go was because the truck was parked so close to the concession stand and the bathroom.

Washing his hands once he'd finished, he slipped out of the nearly empty bathroom just as someone was going in and felt something grab his arm. Turning around to excuse himself, a hand was placed on the back of his head and he was pushed roughly out of the bathroom. Without ever seeing the man's face, he was harshly shoved into the dark area behind the concession stand. It all seemed to happen within a blink of an eye and he couldn't even get his bearing before he felt a forceful pair of lips on his own forcing their way into his mouth.

He could hear his own cries of protest but just as suddenly the man removed himself from him and slapped him hard across the face. Feeling a hand slipping lower he let out a squeak when he felt pressure against his groin.

"This isn't over." His rapist's harsh words echoed in his ears and he thought he could die of fright, but the figure was gone just as suddenly as he'd shown up.

After standing and shaking, frozen in place for a few minutes, he suddenly realized where he was and was off running like the devil was after him.

"DARRY! DARRY!" he called, not mindful of where he was, just that he needed his brother right then to protect him. He felt dazed and could hardly remember where their car was parked. All he could see was row after row of cars and he felt lost and terrified.

"Pony?" he heard and looked up to see a slight grin on Dallas Winston's face, which promptly slid off. "Hey, you all right?"

"W-w-where's... where's the truck? Dally, where's the truck? I need to... to find the truck, I've lost it." Dally looked confused and little taken aback.

"Calm down, kid. It's right over there. I'll take you." Though they couldn't have walked for more than a minute, Pony felt so lost and confused he was sure it had been an hour since he'd last seen his brother and Johnny.

"DARRY!" he called, hoping he would hear.

"Quit your hollering kid. We'll be there soon."

"Ponyboy?" he heard his brother's voice and he set out at a dead sprint. Careening into his brother's chest, he nearly knocked Darry off his feet. "What the blazes?"

"I want to go home. Home. Take me home, please."


	17. Chapter 17

Thanks everyone for sticking with me this long. I appreciate all the support and reviews.

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Heaven Forbid  


"What in the hell happened?" Darry asked with fear and outrage in his voice, wondering what could possibly have happened for his brother to be so petrified.

"Home. Please, Darry, please. Take me home."

"O- okay kiddo. We're leaving now. Calm down." He held himself close as Darry pulled away to close the tailgate on their truck and tell Johnny they were leaving.

Feeling a hand on his shoulder he flinched and turned to look into the stormy eyes of Dally. "If I find him, I'll kill him, kid. You can be sure of that."

He turned back to see Darry approaching, and left without a word to Dallas. He climbed in on the driver's side and sat between his oldest brother and best friend.

The truck moved slowly and Pony pulled his legs up to his chest and squeezed his arms around them.

"Pony, man, what's wrong?" Johnny asked concernedly, putting a hand on his shoulder. Were he in a better state of mind it might have reassured him but he pulled away from the contact and attempted to make himself as small as possible.

He felt violently ill. He couldn't believe he'd been cornered so freely and that he was really being stalked by the man who had raped him. He'd thought he would be able to move on with his life. He wasn't so sure anymore.

"Ponyboy... what happened?" his brother's voice was unemotional, and if he didn't know Darry so well he'd take it as uncaring.

"I-" His stomach rolled as the words became jumbled in his throat. "He-" They were nearly a mile from home and he was sure he wouldn't make it. "Stop the car!" His voice was so weak it was a wonder Darry heard him.

Johnny, catching on just in time, opened the door and got out in time to allow Ponyboy to get out of the truck to throw up on the curb of a vacant lot on the west side.

Moments passed before he was able to stand upright and his shaking had only intensified by the cold. "You okay, kiddo?" Darry asked, this time showing the concern that must have been dominating him just then.

Pony was exhausted and terrified. He felt like he could break into hundreds of pieces and he would still look more whole than he felt. Wiping at his face, his hands came away wet and he wondered whether he was touching tears or if the slap he'd received had cut him. The feeling was dulling in his cheek, but then all the feeling in his body was fading and he couldn't be sure what noises were being made by himself or the other occupants of the car.

He was sitting down and the car was moving so he knew he was on the way home which was probably the only reason he didn't collapse completely into panic.

His brother was rubbing circles into his back and he felt too frozen to react. They were at the house almost before he became aware they were on their street.

"Easy now, buddy. We're home, go on and get inside." Pony complied without thinking about it. He curled up on the couch, kicking off his shoes and remembering with fierce clarity how this time last week...

He tugged Darry's green sweatshirt and pulled it over his knees. It was big enough on him he hardly had to stretch it. He took his arms out of the sleeves and wrapped them around his legs and sat stock still even when Darry sat next to him.

"Now tell me right now what's gotten into you." Darry said though his words didn't match his tone, which remained soft considering it was Darry.

"It... it was him. He caught me coming out of the bathroom. I- I didn't see his face but I recognized his voice." Pony admit, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice and failing. "Where's Johnny?"

"I'm here, Pony." His friend said coming in from the kitchen with a glass of water. He handed it to him and then let his hands linger around Pony's closed ones, as the shaking almost didn't allow him to grasp the cup. He was almost unable to swallow around the lump in his throat, but he suddenly realized how parched he was and drained the cup.

"Wh-what did he do?"

Shivers ran down Pony's spine as he attempted to put together the words. How could he possibly say it out loud to his brother?

His face crumpled slightly and he let his head fall forward into the widened neck hole of Darry's shirt. The scent of his brother's cologne was so prominent he could have been hugging him just the same.

"He... he pulled me behind the concession stand where there's no one around. He p-pushed me up against the wall and he k- he kissed me." His voice had gone so low and shame filled he could only pray that he'd been heard so he wouldn't have to repeat it. That thought made him raise his head slightly more so he could continue. "Then he... he slapped me. He slapped me across the face and... and... he grabbed me." The shudder in his voice left neither Darry nor Johnny wondering what he'd meant by that. "He said 'This isn't over' and then he took off. I- I- Oh god, Darry I want it to be so badly."

A blanket was being wrapped around his shoulders as well as a set of arms and he pulled his legs out of the sweatshirt and leaning into the hug he realized was Johnny's.

"'s okay, Pony. He's gone. We'll find him and make sure this never happens again." There was something in Darry's tone as he got off the couch to pace that spoke volumes more than his actual words. It said that action was going to be taken, and Pony realized that if Steve ever revealed what his rapist's name was he could almost guarantee the man would be found within the day and wouldn't live to see the next. Pony wasn't sure how he felt about that fact. It didn't frighten him, but something in his nature made him rebel against the need for vengeance. It just wasn't in his character. He wanted the assault to stop but he didn't want death to be the reason it did.

None of his gang were murderers and it frightened him to think of how it would weigh on their minds for the rest of their lives if they killed a man for him and only him. He didn't want it to happen almost as much as he wanted the man to disappear completely from the face of the earth.

He was startled for a moment when suddenly the numbness wore off and Johnny pulled him closer as his shaking intensified and he was crying before he knew why. Somehow he felt detached, like he was crying but his heart wasn't really in it.

"Jesus Christ." He heard Darry's voice. "Goddamn it! This is going to END! Nothing... nothing else is going to hurt you, Ponyboy. This man is never going near you again even if I have to kill him myself!" Darry hollered so loud his words reverberated. He took off outside so quickly Pony wouldn't have known he had left if the door didn't slam shut after him.

Johnny offered to stay the night without even being asked. He sat up with Pony when he couldn't sleep, and held him when he couldn't stop crying. They waited for Darry or Soda to get home until 1 in the morning before they both finally conked out.

Pony awoke sweating and shaking from a nightmare he couldn't remember. He huddled where he lay nestled on the couch beside Johnny's prone, sleeping form.

He was too tired to stay awake and fell back asleep before he'd even stopped shaking completely.

"Pony. Ponyboy!" He was immediately able to distinguish the voice as belonging to Sodapop.

"Yo, kid. Get up!" Pony would have known it was Steve from the firm kick to the base of the couch that shook him and Johnny awake.

"Wha- what's up?" Johnny asked from behind him. Pony rubbed at his eyes and looked up wearily.

"What time is it?" He asked looking blurrily up at his brother and noticing it was daylight.

"Just about 7 in the morning. I slept over Steve's last night. Is Darry mad?"

"Darry took off last night." Pony stated without thinking. Weariness was getting to him and he got to his feet realizing he hadn't even changed out of the clothes he'd been in the previous night. Cracking his back he grabbed Soda by the arm. "I need to talk to you."

Soda was smart enough to recognize the tone and immediately looked concerned. Soda followed as Ponyboy lead him into the kitchen.

"Look, Soda. Something happened last night. That... that guy. H- he was at the movies last night." Soda's eyes went as wide as possible and he immediately put a hand on his brother's shoulder. "He... cornered me outside of the bathroom and..."

"WHAT!?" Soda roared, and Pony hoped Johnny had the sense to keep Steve from sneaking closer. He knew the greaser would find out eventually, but he hoped it wouldn't be like this. "What- what did he do to you?"

"He... nothing like..." putting his face in his hands, he allowed Soda to wrap him in a hug. "He said 'This isn't over' after he... gr-grabbed me and then he ran off. Darry blew up after he found out. He took off and hasn't been home since. Soda, I'm scared."

"Pony, Darry can take care of himself. He wouldn't do anything stupid that might put us at risk. He'll probably be home before you know it."

Pony stepped back to look Soda in the eye. "You... you didn't see him before he left. He talked about killing that guy and... I wouldn't put it past him, Soda. Not with him acting the way he was."

"Pone, it's okay. He isn't stupid. Darry's not the kind of guy that would do something foolish spur of the moment. He's not Dally."

"I know Soda, I'm just..."

"I know."

Pony took a second to just be glad his brother got him. He wasn't sure what he would have done without Soda. It was one thing for his brother to be able to reassure him, but the feeling of being understood without having to even try was something he was eternally grateful for.

"Look Soda I... I just need you to know that with all this happening, I'm sorry that I got you all mixed up in this mess. You and everyone else. You didn't do anything and now you're the one's who have to deal with it." Pony dropped his gaze to the floor expecting to be reprimanded but knowing he needed to clear his conscience and say it anyway.

"And just what is it you did?" Soda asked with a surprisingly even tone. The words were enough to make Pony look up. "I don't expect you asked to be cornered and raped in an alley, Ponyboy, so quit apologizing like you did something wrong. You're a fourteen-year-old kid and you ain't expected to deal with this shit on your own. I'm your big brother. Darry's your big brother. The guys are our gang. You're not being a damn burden, kiddo. You haven't done anything wrong."

Somehow, in spite of the intensity of his words, they worked better than any quiet condolences could have. They made him feel less like a piece of glass needing to be handled delicately or coddled and more like a human being. He missed feeling that way more than anything.


	18. Chapter 18

Thank you everyone who left such lovely reviews last chapter. Sorry for the long wait... One word: Finals. Gah.

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**Heaven Forbid **

More than five hours past and Darry still hadn't shown up. There was a terse quiet as the four of them sat around the living room watching but not paying attention to the TV. Pony had curled up tight around a pillow in the armchair wondering if he looked as pathetic as he felt.

Steve was on his stomach on the floor. Every twenty minutes or so the three of them would be sure he'd fallen asleep but he'd make an arbitrary comment that would prove otherwise. Johnny was lying on the couch with his head on Soda's knee where he'd sprawled out.

The four rose their heads simultaneously to look up as they heard the storm door squeak open and lowered them when they realized that it was only Two-Bit that had shown up.

"Boy, you sure know how to make a fellow feel good," Two-Bit joked, coming over to lean against the wall. "Hey, where's Superman?"

Sparing each other looks they all gave noncommittal shrugs.

"Hey, did something happen?" Two-Bit queried, seemingly uncomfortable. Pony couldn't blame him. By this time in the afternoon on a Sunday the house was all ready a mass of noise and excitement. Their listlessness must have been sending off an alarm.

Steve had been told while Ponyboy took a shower. He could tell by the looks he was getting when he came into the living room to sit down. Somehow it was just better to not be present while the news was broken and he hoped they would wait to tell Two-Bit.

"You guys eat?" Two-Bit asked, sensing he wasn't going to be answered. "I'm starved. What do you say we go down to the Dingo? Steve, wanna give us a ride?"

Looking first at Soda and then at Pony, both of whom gave him a shrug or a nod, Steve got to his feet slowly. "Sure Two-Bit."

The five of them piled into Steve's souped up Buick, setting out for the Dingo around 1 in the afternoon. In spite of it's age and rust, Steve's car ran just fine as the dark-haired greaser wasn't shy about getting new parts for his car – and not always in a legit manner. He'd somehow managed to pinch a muffler off of a brown Camaro he'd come across, Soda had told Pony earlier in the week.

Soda sat up front with Steve and Johnny and Two-Bit sat in the back with Pony. The ride was a silent one and Pony was almost asleep on Johnny's shoulder by the time they got to the Dingo.

"What cha guys want?" the waitress asked, coming out to their car to take their order. Steve ordered enough food to feed a small army for the five of them and Pony merely grunted when asked what he wanted.

To tell the truth, he wasn't feeling so good. His stomach was rolling and his head hurt something terrible. "Anybody got any aspirin?" he asked in what was a rather hoarse moan.

"I'll ask the waitress to bring you some when she comes back with our drinks buddy," Soda soothed, turning around so he could stroke Pony's hair. His cold hand came to a stop at his forehead. "You feel a little warm, kiddo. Two-Bit, do me a favor and switch places with me so I can sit next to him."

After a lot of hustle and bustle in the switch, Pony was leaning against his brother's shoulder tiredly. He felt like a million years past before the waitress returned with their drinks and a million more before she returned with their food and his aspirin.

Soda convinced him to eat a few fries but almost instantly his stomach revolted and he doubled over slightly groaning. "Something's wrong." Pony said tiredly.

"Huh?" Soda asked overhearing.

"I dunno. But something's wrong."

"Like with your stomach?" Johnny asked.

"No. Something else. I can feel it. Something bad has happened." Pony admit burying his head in his hands. He felt a cool hand on the back of his neck.

"You wanna go sit outside kid? I mean for fresh air," Steve asked. Even as sick as he was, he could Steve was really concerned Pony would throw up in his car.

Pony considered his options. Something was telling him they shouldn't leave yet, but he needed a cigarette badly and he felt like he was suffocating with so many people around him and the smells of the greasy food irritating his senses. He'd had migraines before but they'd never felt quite so directed.

Rubbing at his eyes, Pony pushed the door of the car open beside Johnny and slid over to get out after Johnny. "Will you go with me?" Pony needn't have asked for Johnny has shut the door after him but the persistent headache and stomachache were throwing him off.

"You got a smoke?" Johnny asked as they walked over to a bench. Pony lit a cigarette and gave it to Johnny before doing the same for himself. "I could walk you home if you want."

"No... no, we gotta stay here." Pony didn't even acknowledge the confused look his best friend was shooting at him. Johnny didn't question him further, however, and remained sitting beside him. The two friends watched the normal buzz of customers and cars coming and going. Most people they recognized and they got a few waves and exchanged hellos with people, but mainly they tried not to draw attention to themselves.

Pony couldn't quite explain the feeling he had. He just knew that something was happening and that the best thing to do was to wait where they were.

"Yo," Pony heard, looking up slightly. "Kid." Tim Shepard walked towards him slowly, his gait seemingly uncaring but his tone betrayed him.

"Hey Tim," Pony said and Johnny gave a nod. Being buddies with Dallas was one thing. Johnny was plumb nervous around Tim Sheppard.

"I heard what happened at the movies last night. Dallas was sure in a state about it. I ain't seen him since last night, him and your brother." Tim nodded towards the pack of cigarettes in his hand and Pony gave him one unconsciously.

"You saw Darry!?" Pony asked eagerly.

Tim was having a hard time trying to light his weed with the wind blowing. "Yeah, they – damn match – they uhh..."

Pony dug through his pockets for his lighter and gave it to Tim "What's up, Tim? What was my brother doing?"

Finally lit, Tim took a slow puff and handing him back his lighter. "I dunno, I just saw them at Bucks last night. They were talking to someone and then they left in a real rush."

"Shit." Pony said.

"Maybe he's home by now." Johnny asked.

"What, he ain't come home yet?" Tim asked, not seeming concerned.

"Not yet. Come on Johnny, lets go." Pony said, getting up from the bench.

"Wait." Tim said, his eyebrows scrunching together. "Shit, I was so drunk last night I completely forgot, I saw your brother later. Seemed real shook up and spooked."

"Lets go, we gotta find him." Pony said not even bothering to thank Tim for the information as he got in the car. "Steve, we gotta find Darry. Start the car."

"Huh?"

"Start the damn car, I think he's in trouble." Pony said. Somehow he just knew.

"What kind of-"

"Start the damn car, Steve!" Johnny hollered, seemingly following Pony's line of thought.

"Fine!" Steve yelled back, pulling out of the parking lot. "Where in the hell am I going?"

"Check... check our house. Go there first." Pony ordered, trying to avoid seeing the evil expression he was receiving in the rear-view mirror. Steve didn't mess around, doing at least 40 through the streets and speeding up at yellow lights.

"Pony... what's- what's going on?" Soda asked worriedly.

"I told you he was going to do something stupid." Pony said angrily. Angry with Dally, angry with Darry, but mostly angry with himself.

"Isn't that his truck?" Johnny stated as they pulled up their driveway.

"Ye-yeah! He's home." Pony breathed a little easier, but not completely. He wouldn't be able to breath easily until he knew his brother was safe.

Steve pulled up to their house and Soda had hopped out before the car had been put into park followed by his brother.

They raced up the porch steps and came into the house. Pony's heart was in his throat, as he didn't know what to expect.

"Darry?" Soda called loudly.

"Soda?" Darry came out of the bedroom looking relieved to see them both. Rushing over to Pony and Soda, he grabbed them both up in a hug. Pony could feel him shaking. "Oh thank God, I didn't know where you two were, I was so worried."

"Darry, are you okay?" Soda asked, noticing his behavior.

"Yeah, I'm ok. Fine. Everything is going to be just fine." Darry looked at Pony, but neither seemed able to meet the other's eyes.

A/N: A bit of a cliffy. With a bit of luck the next chapter should be up fairly quickly. Feel free to leave any theory in your review. ; )


	19. Chapter 19

Sorry for the long wait. I got the flu really badly so I was out of commission for a while. I like this chapter and I hate it. Sorry if I made it difficult to get back into the swing of things but I wanted to just finally get this up without further revision.

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**Heaven Forbid  
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There was a terrible feeling in Pony's stomach. It had been there for a week, never ceasing to make him uncomfortable. He couldn't sleep. But then, neither could Darry. His hands were constantly shaking and he could barely swallow, let alone eat anything.

Darry had made him go back to school, but Pony didn't see the point. The day was a blur to him, and on more than one occasion he had gone to the wrong classroom at the wrong time. Two-Bit or Johnny accompanied him constantly just to make sure he didn't get lost or wander into the girl bathroom accidentally.

Johnny had practically moved into their house. Whether out of concern for Pony or because problems had escalated at his own house was difficult to determine. He could see the concern in his best friend's eyes. Even if everyone else failed to notice his behavior, Johnny saw everything.

The newspapers were sitting out on their lawn because no one would take them in. Darry knew what was in them and Pony never wanted to find out what was in them. The details, the suspicions, Ponyboy wanted no part of it.

Dally hadn't been around. Pony hadn't seen him since the previous Saturday night. None of the rest of the gang had seen him either. To the best of his knowledge, Dally was at Bucks and had been for a while but Pony didn't dare go and see him. He didn't expect Dallas would be hiding if he wanted to be talked to, and any information he had about what had happened, Pony wanted to hear none of it.

Two-Bit and Steve seemed unnerved by the sudden atmospheric change in the Curtis house. It was obvious the two knew more than they were letting on. They hadn't turned a blind ear on the rumors that were going around school like Pony had, nor had Johnny. He was being talked about – that much he could gather – but he never attempted to listen to what was being said.

He was much too thin, much too wasted and tired, much too uncaring and it was beginning to become obvious to everyone around him. He was shutting down and somehow that was okay by him.

Soda wasn't quite as intentionally oblivious as Pony was. He hadn't spoken to Darry in excess since the news had broken but Pony could tell he was aware of more than he was letting on. Pony always had a book he buried his attention in just in case Soda felt the need to try to talk to him to share what his suspicions were. Even whilst knowing how terrible he was being to his brother, he couldn't help but avoid anything that might penetrate through his denial.

Johnny was sleeping in Soda's old room for the time being. Half of his things were at their house and no one had said anything so far. Though he hadn't gone into much detail, Pony had seen a bruise that took up nearly his whole back while he was changing that suggested his father had gotten out the two-by-four. It was something Pony found himself trying to concentrate on that took the focus off his own situation. Even if it meant they had to take his friends things out once a month and return them the next day so the state wouldn't find out, he was hoping that Johnny would stay with them for the time being.

One night, Pony awoke from a nightmare shaking and scared. He could feel his back wet with perspiration and his stomach was in knots. The stress of having dreams every night was getting to him. Being tired but unable to sleep was the most terrible feeling, and it made him edgy and skittish with little to take his mind off it but things he didn't want to think about.

Making up his mind, he got out of bed, careful not to wake Soda, and walked into the room next to theirs, intent on rousing Johnny.

Johnny wore so much grease in his hair Pony could see a spot on the pillow from where it had soaked through. This amused him slightly but his nerves were so raw he was able to notice very little.

"Johnny, could you wake up?" he asked, his voice tight with tension. The black-haired boy rolled over, used to being awoken easily. "Johnny?"

Suddenly his friend seized up as though expecting to be struck. "It's okay. It's all right, it's just me. Pony."

"What time is it?" There was the slightest inkling of fear in his voice and Pony sat down beside him to put a hand on his shoulder. "Bout 2. I- I couldn't sleep, I was wondering if you, uh... would you sit up with me for a bit? I don't think I can sleep anymore."

Johnny gave a sigh that had more to do with his concern for Ponyboy than his own inconvenience. "You have another nightmare?"

Pony echoed his sigh and nodded. "They're getting worse." He whispered. He was happy he hadn't had a repeat experience like last week where he'd been unable to move, but the fear and discomfort his normal nightmares left him with was just as bad.

"Come on, we can go play cards or something." Johnny said, sitting up and sliding his bare feet into his shoes. He stood up without bothering to tie them and headed out for the kitchen. It was odd to see Johnny not dressed in normal day clothes since he usually wore them to bed anyway, never knowing when he'd need to beat it out of his house. Instead he was wearing a pair of flannel pajama pants that had once been Darry's and later had been Soda's. The shirt he recognized as Johnny's own.

Pony followed after him with his head down, padding down the hallway in his stocking feet feeling so exhausted it was a feat he managed to keep from falling unconscious on the floor.

Johnny poured them both a glass of chocolate milk and sat down on the floor at the coffee table across from one another, Pony with his back to the couch. "You deal, I'm gonna go find cigarettes." The 'no smoking in the house' rule had been abandoned along with most of the rest of them. It made Pony a little sad that the rules their parents had set for them were so readily forgotten but it was a cold November night and he was unwilling to sit outside.

Pony dealt absentmindedly until the cards were in two equal piles and opted to play War. Johnny returned shortly and they played quietly, neither very engaged and both extremely tired.

Johnny seemed to be struggling with whether or not to speak. Every once in a while the two would meet each other's eyes and Pony could see his friend was searching for the words that he knew Pony wouldn't want to hear.

"I..." Johnny faded off and Pony put down his cards and felt himself sag into the couch cushions. "I don't think you oughta keep shutting down like this, Pone. I'm worried about you." Putting his own cards down, Johnny edged around the table to sit next to him against the couch.

Pony rested his head against Johnny's shoulder. "I know..." he admit, trying to avoid a struggle. Maybe if he agreed with what his friend said he'd drop the subject.

"You oughta talk to Darry."

Pony sat up straight, suddenly not so tired. "I ain't got nothing to say to him."

Johnny gave him a skeptical look. "Ponyboy..."

"I don't want to talk about this!"

"This isn't something you can just up and ignore, Pony. This is your damn life. If you see something you don't like you can't just ignore it and pretend like it will go away."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" Pony asked, ignoring the quivering of his voice. "Am I just supposed to ask him if he killed that guy? Forgive him? Accept it? Do you have any idea what it's like wondering if your brother might have killed someone? How do you think it makes me feel knowing I'm the reason why? And I'm supposed to want the details about where the body is or how he did it?"

"Pone, you don't know that he did. I know you might not like the answer, but you need to know. If not for him than for your own sake. You can't do this to yourself."

Pony sighed, but said nothing else. Getting up from the floor, he headed towards the hallway, careful to keep quiet. Johnny put an arm around his shoulder and walked him to Soda's old room. His own bed felt unwelcome at the moment and he wordless climbed in beside Johnny uneasy but somehow content that he had unburdened himself if only a small bit to someone finally. "Wake me up if you can't sleep." Johnny told him and he murmured his OK.

Surprisingly he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow and he had no more bad dreams the rest of the night.

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One day Pony came home after school to find Darry home. "Ain't you got work today, Darry?"

"I, uh, I dropped a bundle of roofing off the ladder at work and my foremen sent me home early." He was dusting the house and the carpet smelt as though it had been vacuumed. "I figured I'd clean up a bit since the state's scheduled to drop by anytime now."

Pony hadn't even thought of them since everything had occurred and somehow in spite of the buried fears that were a rock in his stomach, he knew he couldn't sink this one. "You – you think they got any suspicions?"

Darry looked up from the TV he was dusting. "What would make them suspicious, Pony? Any reasons they would be?"

"No – just wondering is all." He felt tired. He'd taken to napping for an hour after school; he found he was safe from nightmares if he didn't stay asleep long. He made for his bedroom when Darry stopped him dead in his tracks.

"I didn't do it." His voice was shaking – almost pleading. "I swear I didn't."

Pony didn't move, not even to turn around. "If you say you didn't, I believe you," and he went to his room and shut the door, pressing his back against the wood and slumping to the floor.

Not for the first time in his life he'd lied to himself. Only this time, he believed him.


	20. Chapter 20

Nope, no excuses this time... why bother? It's been two months and excuses are like bellybuttons - everyone but Kyle XY has one. If my 7-year-old dying computer decides to work better than the lemon my mom bought less than half a year ago for me, you'll be seeing more frequent updates. Thanks for the faith.

(You want to brush up on the details because I wrote this a while ago and it jumps right in where it left off.)**

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Heaven Forbid

At dinner that night he felt listless, as though all the energy had been sapped out of him. He mindlessly set the table and sat down when he was called. Darry put dinner out and he picked at it with the enthusiasm of someone who had just eaten when really it had been since breakfast.

"Something wrong?" Darry's words snapped him from his thoughts.

"Huh?" Looking up, he realized that the only people at the table were himself, his oldest brother and Johnny. "Where's Soda?"

"Pony..." Darry's tone suggested Pony had asked something stupid. "Soda's been working doubles for the past week."

Pony looked at him stupidly and didn't miss the concerned look he was receiving. He suddenly felt as though a switch had been flipped and the lights came on. Of course Soda had been working doubles... that was why he hadn't been around. "Oh... yeah right. I forgot." He felt embarrassed and a bit apprehensive he hadn't realized until just then his middle brother had been missing for so long.

"The state scheduled a visit tomorrow and..." Darry shot a look at Johnny that he hadn't meant for them to see.

"I'll clear off. My things are back at my folk's so-"

"Just for tomorrow though," Darry clarified strongly. "After that you can bring your stuff back. We want you to."

If Pony hadn't been staring at Johnny directly, he might have missed the sad, vulnerable look in his best friend's eyes. Perhaps because he'd never been told he was welcome to stay before. Perhaps it was because it was Darry who was saying it instead of his own folks.

It used to bother Pony something awful how Johnny remained loyal to his parents after everything they put him through, always waiting and hoping something would change when it was evident that nothing ever would. Somewhere along the way Pony came to embrace this quality about his friend. It made him feel secure that he had someone in his life that would never give up on him no matter what he did. It was the way he knew that Johnny would stick by him after everything that happened to him. If his friend could find reason not to renounce his parents after all the grief they gave him, he could be assured that Johnny wouldn't give up on him. Ever.

"Pony, since it ain't a school night, you wanna go get some ice cream with me after dinner?" Johnny asked, looking between he and Darry for confirmation.

"Sure." Pony said for lack of a reason not to.

"Go ahead, just be careful." Pony looked up at Darry who wasn't looking back. The only way Darry would have let him out of the house was if he knew for a fact that Dave Fickler was no longer alive and able to get to him. Even if he didn't do it, he was involved. That was much was certain. His brother needed to see with his own eyes that his brother's rapist was dead.

They finished their dinners and he and Johnny did up the dishes before heading out. Pony almost forgot his jacket but Darry reminded him at the last minute. "At least you didn't forget your shoes this time." He heard his brother mutter.

"That only happened once."

"Twice." Johnny said under his breath, shooting Pony an apologetic look.

"You never forget your cigarettes though, do you?" Pony decided it was time to take off before the mistreatment continued.

They walked slowly, slouching with their hands in their pockets with their backs to wind. In the back of his mind, Pony hoped Johnny would take the lead. They could end up in Siberia and he wouldn't have noticed.

"We're being followed." He heard Johnny hiss after many minutes of walking, and he shot from his thoughts, looking up to see they were about a block and a half away from the DX station. "Lets run for it, we can make it as long as they don't catch on."

Pony wasn't sure he felt confident in his ability to make it, but the alternative was fighting and he was sure that would end horribly so he took a deep breath and sealed himself for the dash to the gas station.

With a glance at each other they were off running. He could feel the wind rushing through his hair and the cold air stinging his cheeks and he suddenly remembered why he'd loved to run.

Through the current of wind blowing past him, he could hear the revving of an engine meant for speed. Gulping air, he looked beside him to see Johnny keeping pace with him and sped up hoping the older greaser would be able to keep up. For moments at a time he was able to forget he was being chased but he snapped back to reality when he caught sight of the DX sign that told him they had almost made it.

They cut across a field of grass, making for the entrance to the store he knew Soda would be inside of. Not daring to turn around in the final stretches, he dashed madly for the door, closely missing hitting his head against the glass as he yanked it open and panting as he came to a stop inside the small store.

"Pony?"

Johnny followed after him shortly and before he'd even caught his breath he could feel his brother's hands on his shoulders and he looked up with a slight grin, cheered by the endorphins the sprint had induced.

"Sorry Soda." He huffed. "We were being chased." He admit, leaning forward on his knees to catch his breath.

"By me, stupid." He heard Dallas Winston's voice float up behind him.

Turning, he saw Johnny's eyebrows were creased as he looked up at the lean hood smoking a cigarette behind him. Dally gave them both a sarcastic look with a well concealed grin he hid behind his hand as he took a drag from his cigarette.

"No way... that was no greaser car you were driving, Dal." Pony remembered how Johnny had been able to tell without looking that Dally had been driving the car that was following them on the way to the DX a couple of weeks ago.

"That's cause it ain't."

The three of them peaked out the door to look upon the sight of a brand new silver Mustang.

"No way..."

"Steve'll wish he'd switched shifts with Larry when he hears about this, boy oh boy." Pony heard Soda mutter behind him.

"Dal... This can't be your car." Johnny asked.

"You're right about that kid." Dally said, grinning like he was in on a secret joke. "It's yours."

Johnny looked blankly up at Dallas as though he hadn't heard. "Huh?"

"Don't 'huh' at me. I said it was yours." Dallas's smile had grown a bit as he watched the blank stare turn into incredulity and shock.

"Huh?" Pony elbowed him slightly to get him to snap out of his daze. Shaking his head, Johnny looked at the hood as though he'd grown a second head. "Mine?"

"Yeah, you're going to buy it from me."

Johnny went pale. "I ain't got that kind of money, Dal. I'd never be able to afford a car like that."

"You got a dollar?"

"Uh... yeah, I guess." Johnny looked so bewildered Pony felt a little sorry for him.

"Then you've got enough."

"Dal, I'll double that." Soda said, grinning crazily.

Johnny and Pony exchanged looks of confusion and bewilderment. Why would Dallas Winston be giving away a brand new mustang like it meant nothing? Pony glanced at Soda as though his brother might know something they didn't. He returned their looks of uncertainty.

"Why are you doing this?" Johnny asked looking almost worried. "It ain't stolen is it?"

"Nope. Paid in full and in my name. Soon to be in your name," Dally said smirking still, but it turned grim as he said the next words. "I turned 18 a few days ago so it's all legit."

"Where'd you get the money?" Pony asked hesitantly, not sure he wanted to know.

"I worked for it for three years." Dally said

"Dal, I can't take this car!" Johnny declared, seemingly coming out of his daze. "If it really was paid for by you then you have it. I don't want to take it from you!"

"You'll understand eventually, just give me the dollar and find a pen and paper."

* * *

"Dal, I just hardly got my license, you sure you want me driving this car?" Johnny asked hesitantly staring at the handle of the car as though it might grow fangs and bite him if he tried to enter it.

"Why the hell you asking me? It's your car." Dally responded getting in on the passenger side. Pony was stuck in the backseat and feeling increasingly uncomfortable knowing Johnny hadn't been driving long and worrying about the legality of this car.

"If we get pulled over, don't try and run for it, just keep your hands where they can be seen." Pony said, trying to keep his voice down while knowing it was futile in such a close space.

"Don't be a wiseass, Pony." Dally said from the front seat.

"What's that?" Johnny asked, looking at the gearbox.

"An automatic transmission. Should make driving her a bit easier." Dally said, his voice seemed a bit bittersweet.

"Look, Johnny, just try not to crash it the first week you've got it. That's all I ask." Pony knew Johnny would just about die if he crashed this car.

They drove to the ice cream place with relative silence. Johnny's driving was a little shaky, but mostly very conscientious. Parking was a bit difficult but otherwise the trip was uneventful. Johnny and Ponyboy got out and headed for the rapidly growing line. Dally told them he'd seen Tim Shepard and headed around the corner.

"So what do you think he's doing?" Pony asked. Johnny wasn't looking at him; he was glancing off in the direction of where Dally had gone. When he met Pony's eyes, they held something fearful in them.

"I have some ideas, but none of them are good." Johnny shook his head as though trying to rid himself of the thoughts swarming his head. "Did you talk to Darry?"

"Yeah." Pony felt himself shrink a little as they broached the subject. "He- he swore he didn't do it."

"Do you believe-?"

"I want to." Pony said quietly. "I want to believe him." There was a silence as they both moved up in line. "I can't believe this happened. I can't believe I caused this." His voice was quiet but Johnny heard him. He felt himself being pulled out of line and looked up to see a fire lit in Johnny's eyes.

"You did not cause this." He was pressed against the wall as the rushed whisper was hissed in his ear. "Listen to me. I can't guarantee what's gonna happen over the next few weeks. Things are probably going to be getting worse before they get better. You aren't responsible for this though. It ain't your fault."

He had heard this so much in the past few weeks he was becoming immune to it. It no longer processed in his head. He went to get back in line but there no longer was one.

Johnny seemed able to see that he was reluctant to hear this. "Listen to-"

A growing crowd that had formed around the other side of the shop and had caught Johnny's attention. Police cars could be seen with their lights on. Catching each other's eye, they sprinted over to see what had happened, figuring on it being a fight.

A shock of blond could be seen as the object of the gathering mass of people. He was being handcuffed up against the side of a squad car. Even from behind they could tell it was Dally.

"Dallas Winston you're under arrest for the murder of David Fickler."

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A/N: Cliffhanger. Lets hope reviews equal confidence because I'll need it to write the next series of chapters.


	21. Chapter 21

You know, it's funny. After more than a month, you'd think I'd be pretty happy with this chapter, but to be honest I'm not sure I am. I'm going to put it up anyway. I've been working on some other stuff that I'm not sure I'd ever consider posting, but there's still a chance. Sorry for the wait.

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Heaven Forbid

Pony turned to Johnny in horror, watching Dallas being put in the police car. "Oh God! We gotta do something!" He lamented.

"We gotta... we gotta tell someone or something!" Johnny said. "Lets... lets go!"

They were halfway down the block in a dead sprint when Pony stopped. Johnny nearly tripped turning around to face him. "What is it?"

"We should probably take the car." Pony said, even though he was feeling confused and a little hurt by what Dallas's gesture probably implied.

"Forget..." Johnny started to say, but they both knew what would happen to a brand new mustang left alone in the middle of greaser territory, not to mention how much quicker it would take them both home.

Reaching into his pocket for the keys, Johnny nodded towards the car and they went sprinting back.

The drive home was nerve-racking. Both couldn't stand to talk about what had happened. What this meant. Pony felt the part of him that didn't want to think about anything that had happened last week coming back with a vengeance. But as bad as this was, he didn't want to go back to being numb and purposely oblivious.

"Come on." Johnny said as he pulled into their driveway. Darry, having seen the car pull up, came out onto the porch looking confused and perplexed.

"What's this about?" his brother asked, but Pony merely pulled him by the arm into the house.

"Darry." He started, feeling himself breathing raggedly. "Darry, Dally was arrested."

Had this been any other circumstance, those words would not have evoked the shocked and worried look that was worn on Darry face at that moment. An instant later it was replaced with a look of resignation.

He knew what his brother was going to say before he said it, but that didn't make it any less difficult to hear.

"When Soda gets home... I'm going to tell you what happened, all right?" Darry said slowly. Pony remembered solemnly the tone of voice his brother had used to tell him their parents had died. It had the same feel to it.

"Darry..." Pony said, his voice sounded pleading. '_Don't do this. Don't tell me, I don't want to know_.' But he didn't need to say anything. His eyes said it all.

"No... This has gone on long enough. It's time to be honest." Darry spoke with a tone of finality.

Pony turned and went back to his room without another word. He lay down on his bed and closed his eyes. When he opened them, Johnny was leaning over him.

"Mind if I lay down?" Pony shook his head no. Neither of them could sleep, but they lay there as the dark of night crept in and they could hear the door open as Soda came in.

He heard his middle brother fussing over having seen Johnny's new car out in the driveway and how he wished he could have that tuff of a car.

"Pony, Johnny. Come out here." Soda called, his voice filled with trepidation that could only mean one thing.

"Guess we gotta." Johnny said as they sat up and exchanged glances.

There was a tenseness to Soda's posture as he stood in the living room, halfway between taking off his shoes. One arm of his coat was hanging limp though Soda paid it no mind. He was staring at Darry, terror lurking just behind his eyes.

Darry looked like he was carrying the weight of the world. The guilt and tiredness of his posture was evident just looking at him.

"Come on, sit down. Lets talk about this." Soda looked how Pony imagined he himself had looked earlier. The unwillingness to stay in denial contrasted deeply with the overwhelming curiosity that had eaten at him for the past week.

Reluctantly, Soda removed his shoes and his jacket and rubbed wearily at his forehead while Pony and Johnny sat down on the couch. He could tell how uncomfortable his friend felt at being included in this moment. He considered telling him he could leave if he didn't want to deal with it. But Johnny lived there now. Pony felt a little bitter that Johnny could join their family when it was convenient and then leave when things got tense. He knew the black-haired boy wouldn't move without the go-ahead from him and he was disinclined to give it to him.

"Listen..." Darry said as Soda settled on Pony's other side. "I just need you to know... I didn't lie to you Ponyboy. I didn't kill him. I couldn't. I couldn't live knowing you two knew I'd killed somebody. Not even knowing what he did to you, Pony." The soft weariness of his voice spoke little of the anguish Pony knew he must be feeling and he was glad his brother was at least attempting to keep it together for their sake.

"I was so mad that night though. I felt so..." _helpless_. The word hung thick between them but Darry was unable to say it. Pony was glad because he was unable to hear it. "I left and I went driving around for about an hour or so before I ran into Dally. He was as mad as hell... almost as mad as I was and I wanted to drop him off at Bucks before he got himself into a fight with someone. He convinced me to come in and try to settle my nerves before I went home. We ended up overhearing someone talking about you – about what had happened, though he didn't say your name. I knew it was you. He mentioned the area that it had happened in. Kept repeating the name: Dave Fickler. He said he was bragging about it."

It didn't come as a shock to him, but it still brought a lump to Pony's throat. Imagining himself being talked about in that way. Like Two-Bit talked about the girls he'd managed to talk into showing him a good time. He could tell on either side of him Johnny and Soda were debating whether to put an arm around him or just let him be.

"He said he hung out around 4th and 5th street and I remembered how I'd picked you two up there that night. I wasn't sure but Dally talked me into taking a ride over there. He told me Fickler had it coming to him and if I wouldn't go, he'd go alone. I wanted to go but I kept thinking if I saw him I would kill the guy. Dally would too. He took my keys without me knowing and disappeared and I went after him. It took me a while on foot but when I got there Dally had found the guy.

"It's sort of a blur after that. Dally started picking a fight with him to get him to go outside so he could beat the tar out of him and I followed after, just thinking I couldn't see this guy or I would rip his throat out without a thought. By the time I got there they were fighting pretty bad. I didn't want to join in but then Fickler whipped out a blade while Dal had his back turned. I yelled out for him to watch out cause he looked like he was gonna stab him, and when he turned around and saw it he pulled his own out. I started over to try and jump in but it was too late. I don't know if he had figured on doing it before hand or not but he... he stabbed him in the stomach. He took off like lightening after that on foot and he left me my truck. I don't know if I can be tied to this all or not but... If someone saw me looking like I was involved in the fight I could be an accomplice or something. I was standing a few feet behind him when he did it and I just... I don't know." Darry put his head in his hand, looking like he was almost sagging from the burden of it all. "I just don't know."

He took a deep breath, looking like he was composing himself before their eyes. "I met up with him later. Told him to stash the knife and lay low at Bucks for a while. I haven't talked to him since then."

There was a silence as each of them attempted to take in the idea that Dallas had killed someone. Actually murdered someone in cold blood. Johnny's face held a hard sickened look. Soda looked as though his expression from earlier hadn't changed once even though Pony knew it had. As for himself, he couldn't imagine how he must have looked. He felt like he could throw up or cry but the feeling past and he could only stare at his brother with what he hoped wasn't horror.

Pony didn't know how to feel just then. On the one hand, his brother had only been mildly involved in the whole ordeal. But then, he had been involved. Anyone even identifying his brother would send him to court and in all likelihood, if the state caught wind of that, him and Soda would be taken away from him. One look at Soda and he could the same thing was running through his mind.

"Look... I don't know what this means for us. I just know that you... you two are my top priority right now and" he trailed off, sinking into the armchair behind him. "I'll do what I've got to do to make this right."

* * *

Pony was quiet lying in bed later that night. Soda turned on his side, looking concerned at the troubled look on his brother's face. Pony turned away.

It didn't matter what Johnny said. He knew that this was his fault. It was his fault he had wandered around Tulsa at 1 in the morning to spite his brother. It was his fault that his brothers and friends had to defend him against the man who raped him. His fault that his brother was involved in a murder rap.

It was his fault Dallas Winston was sitting in a jail cell awaiting conviction for murder.

He should have never told his brothers. Never told Dallas and Two-Bit. Never allowed Steve to find out. He should have sworn Johnny to secrecy and never told anyone about the note he had found in his locker or what Dave Fickler had done to him behind the concession stand at the nightly double. No one would be dead now. No one would be in prison for murder now.

The irrationality of what he was telling himself lingered close to consciousness, always there but so quiet he barely acknowledged it.

"Darry wasn't lying. I know he didn't do it." Soda whispered hoarsely, as though their brother was standing at the door listening.

"It doesn't matter with him there, Soda." Pony admit, the flow of tears went unhindered and a slight sob surfaced. "He was there and he's wrapped up in this now."

His cheeks inflamed as his shame was evoked. At his tears, at his words and at his actions. Soda wrapped an arm around him and pulled him close, but he wouldn't allow himself to be comforted. He didn't deserve to be.

Still, as the tears and shaking increased, he found himself drawn to the calm his brother offered him.

"Soda?" Pony asked, more for the reassurance that his brother provided with the sound of his voice than because he had anything to say.

"Right here. I'm not going anywhere, Pone."

"Is everything going to work out, Soda?" Pony asked, ignoring the naivety of his question. "Will everything be okay?"

He felt a gust of air on his cheek as Soda sighed. "I really hope so, Pony. I don't know if we'd be able to handle things getting any worse."

The two lay there, hoping against hope that things would be okay. Each yearning for the past and dreading what the future held.

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A/N: Thanks for reading and for all the amazing reviews. You guys rock. Next chapter will be up shortly, and the end is looming in the distance.


	22. Chapter 22

Wow, look at me. Two updates in a month! I'm pretty proud of myself. Right now I'm working on a scene I've been planning out in my head since around Christmas (yeah, I know, I've got some kind of game plan here? Who would have though?). So I figure once I've got that finished it will be smooth sailing after that. Of course, I'm probably fooling myself there, but ehh.

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Heaven forbid

Pony was sure when he woke up the next morning the house had never looked cleaner than it did since before their parents had died. It took a second to hit him as to why everything was so immaculate – even in his and Soda's room where it was nearly impossible to see the floor on any given day. The state was coming.

Johnny and Soda were eating pancakes in the kitchen and Darry was doing the dishes even if it should have been his and Soda's job assuming from the fact that the pancakes were golden brown rather than orange or purple.

"If you're going to take a shower, make sure you wipe down the tub when you're through, you guys." Darry told him. As deliberate and obsessive as Darry was being lately, this just hit it out of the park.

He looked up from pouring the syrup to exchange an exasperated look with Soda and met the exact replica of his expression on his brother's face. Regardless of how early it was – or perhaps because of it, they both dissolved into poorly contained laughter. Johnny looked to be doing a better job of controlling himself as he was attempting to hide his amusement behind his bangs but it was easy to see his chest shaking and his lip bitten down.

It felt good to be so relaxed given the nature of their discussion the previous night.

Darry tried to give his sternest look but his posture gave away his relief that they were able to joke still after everything. "I'm serious you guys. And I want you to make sure you shut the curtain so mildew doesn't form on the shower liner." The slightest hint of a smile was at Darry's lips that told them he appreciated the lightness.

"Soda, what did he put in these pancakes? He's gone off the deep end." Pony asked, snorting as he tried to stifle his laughter.

"I told you to add food dye, Johnny. He ain't used to properly cooked pancakes... they make him loopy." Soda said, cracking a grin.

"Johnny, you made these?" Pony asked, taken aback. "When'd you learn to cook?"

Johnny shrugged in response. "Hell, you think my ma's gonna do it for me?"

Their breakfast continued normally, but it was as though the balance of the house shifted as soon as Johnny had to leave. Reality was setting in, and no one really wanted to see Johnny go. He'd been a constant presence in their house – almost a source of stability, and Pony could tell it wasn't just him who felt that way. No one could be sure when he would come back for good – how could he ever really feel like he had a permanent place in their house if he had to leave every month or so?

"Johnny..." Pony said as he watched his friend fiddling with his keys as he pulled on his jacket. It was a sign of how things had changed that his friend didn't wear the faded old jean jacket constantly as he had before. He didn't have any bruises he needed to cover up.

"Don't go home." Pony said, though he knew that was a lot to ask for. "Look, just... come back tonight. Please."

Johnny looked away from him and said nothing for a bit. Pony felt a bit dejected, but, as if he could tell how his friend was feeling, Johnny suddenly looked up and, meeting his eyes, nodded his consent.

A short smile lightened Pony's face and before turning to leave, he could see the shadow of one on Johnny's as well.

* * *

The state never gave an exact time to expect them before they showed up; only the date of their visit. It was usually a very tiring, somber time while they waited for someone to show up. No one felt much like doing anything. Fun was short lived just as soon as the severity of the situation caught up with them.

Soda was throwing a tennis ball up in the air and catching it. Pony was finding amusement in watching Darry's face flinch every time it went up. The house was spotless and his oldest brother was restless, unable to find anything that needed straightening, dusting, mopping or cleaning. He was driving himself crazy with the wait.

Even while Pony snickered quietly seeing the frustration on his brother's face, he knew how it must have been killing his brother just to know that one breath of their family's involvement with Fickler's murder, or what he had done to deserve it and Pony could guarantee he'd become very knowledgeable about how to sweep floors and clean windows with the rest of the orphaned kids.

It didn't matter much to the state that Darry had done everything one could expect out of their family to keep him safe and out of danger, it only mattered that he hadn't reported Pony had been raped, had been present and partially responsible for his rapist's murder and had harbored and assisted the person who did it.

A sudden knock at the door caused them all to start. Soda yelped loudly as he jumped, missing the ball and causing it to hit him squarely in the nose. Pony and Darry froze, wondering if the social worker had heard their brother's hollering at the door. Soda swore quietly, holding his hand up to his rapidly reddening nose.

"Jesus, Soda. Great timing!" Darry hissed, getting out of his chair to get the door. Pony went to make sure Soda was all right. There was a definite mark, but there was no bleeding, and giving his brother a pat on the shoulder, Pony pulled him to his feet.

Darry opened the door and Pony recognized his tone of voice as one he'd used for the police when Soda had been jailed for the acrobatic stunts he'd pulled downtown with Two-Bit.

"Is everything all right?" he heard the voice of their social worker, "I thought I heard someone shout, is everyone okay?" She was a middle-aged woman, thin and unenthusiastic. She had worn the same shade of pale pink lipstick and pencil straight skirt each time they'd seen her.

"Oh, everything's fine, ma'am. My brother was throwing a ball in the air and it accidentally hit him." Darry said in a way that begged to be followed with the phrase 'Boys will be boys...'

She smiled in a way that didn't reach her eyes, and it was obvious she disapproved. Ms. Gregory might have been pretty if her hair didn't hang so limp around her face. She had some premature frown lines around her mouth and an attitude that didn't mesh well with her job.

"It's nice seeing you again, ma'am." Soda said in a nasally voice from where his hand covered his nose. Pony could only smile faintly and nod. It was always a bit off-putting at first seeing his brothers morph into imposters. Around social workers, all three of them could give the fakest soc a run for their money.

Darry wasn't usually as obvious about it, but his nervousness made him seem worse than normal.

"It's nice seeing you as well Sodapop. And you, Ponyboy." After knowing them as long as she had, she still said their names similar to the way Pony's teachers would on the first day of class. After a polite look in Soda's direction, she gave slight nods and smiles as she surveyed the state of their house. "You've done a very good job keeping after the house Mr. Curtis."

"My brothers are a big help." Darry said. In the amount of time they had been receiving visits from the state, the dialogue had begun to become very familiar. If there was a script for state visits, Darry had surely memorized it.

There was a short silence as she continued to look around. "Would you like anything to drink, Ms. Gregory?" Darry asked.

"Oh, no, I'm fine. If you don't mind, I'll just take a quick look around the house before I speak with you and your brothers."

She didn't linger to await his response before making her way into the kitchen. As if by magic a pad had suddenly appeared in her hands and she went to work writing her comments as she traveled from room to room.

When he was sure she was out of earshot, Darry turned to Soda, his annoyance replaced by concern. "That can't be a good first impression."

"Relax, Darry." Pony said quietly.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to get you some ice?" Darry asked, turning to Soda looking hopeful he could do something productive.

Soda pulled his hand away for them to see that his face had turned bright red from the pressure the impact had put on his sinuses and his eyes were watering.

"No, I'm fine, I just need a second." Soda replied wiping his eyes as he sat down. Pony joined him, putting a hand on his brother's back in support.

The order went oldest to youngest and it wasn't long before Darry was called into the other room to speak with the woman.

"I hate this, Pony." Soda said sadly. "It's like we don't even live here, we just to stay for as long as we don't screw up."

"I hate it too Soda." Pony replied breathing in to try to settle his nerves. State visits had never really gotten to him as badly as it did his brothers but it was always a bit disarming having a stranger survey and judge their lives once a month.

"Hey, when this is over I say we go down to the Dairy Queen and get lunch, my treat. You in?" Soda asked.

"Darry too?"

"Yeah, of course, him too." Soda said, leaning sideways and bumping his head against his brother's affectionately.

"Tonight Two-Bit oughta come over so we can get the house looking normal again." Pony joked.

"Yeah, we'll have the guys over for poker." Only it occurred to them both that Dally wouldn't be there to join them. Dally was sitting in a jail cell.

It wasn't an abnormal thing to have Dallas behind bars, but this time it was most assuredly a permanent situation. It was more than likely Dally wouldn't be around any longer.

"I gotta go see him, Soda. I have to talk to him. Say... say something to him." Pony said. Him and Johnny would go. And something told him he wouldn't sleep until he did.

Soda gave a nod like he understood, but the frown on his face said he wasn't happy about it.

Darry suddenly emerged from the hallway. "Sodapop?" Ms. Gregory called, standing straight as she lingered by the wall and holding a pad with both hands at her waist.

Soda got to his feet stiffly and walked into the kitchen. Darry sat heavily just as Ms. Gregory left the room. He breathed deep and sighed in a gruff tone.

"Everything go okay?" Pony asked. Darry merely nodded. He seemed like his mind was on something else. He suddenly shot Pony a side-glance, looking concerned.

"What is it?" Pony asked, knowing there was something on his mind.

"Pony..." Darry seemed conflicted, shaking his head as though to clear it. "I just... have you put any thought into what you'll say if she asks you..." he gulped, seeming afraid to continue. "If she asks if I hit you?" Darry asked.

Pony suddenly realized why Darry was so tense. It was odd, with everything that had occurred that weekend; it was easy to forget his brother had ever raised his hand to him.

"Darry," Pony couldn't find his voice. So much had changed since that had happened. He didn't feel his brother was capable of having done that. Just as his brother wasn't able to commit murder, it seemed inconceivable that he had purposefully hit him.

But that was the thing... it hadn't been on purpose. "Darry, you didn't mean to do it, did you?" Pony asked, meeting his brother's eyes. It was more of a statement than a question.

"No. No, and I regret ever having done it, Pony. I need you to know that." Darry told him heatedly, keeping his voice low so they would not be overheard.

"I do. I'm not going to say anything, Darry." He could visibly see the tension release from his brother's shoulders. Darry looked like he wanted to squeeze his shoulder or ruffle his hair but didn't want to seem like he was commending Pony for lying.

"You're a good kid, you know that?" was what he offered instead.

Pony smiled his thanks. They sat in silence for a while, listening to the muffled sounds of Soda being questioned. There was a lull and then the sounds of chairs shifting and Pony felt a lump in his throat as he realized it was his turn.

"Go on. It'll be fine." Darry said smoothly. He sounded so confident Pony felt reassured by it. Soda appeared at the door seeming unscathed if a little relieved. He gave Pony a warm encouraging grin.

Pony could only gulp.

* * *

A/N: I had originally written the whole scene as one chapter but it suited me better to write it as two, and it suits you as well since I only post when I've got two chapters all ready finished.


	23. Chapter 23

So, since posting last chapter I've gotten about a page written of the next one. I need to get some information and some perspective on it but hopefully I'll be done soon. I know this one doesn't have much happening but it felt like I needed to write it.

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* * *

**

Heaven Forbid

He got to his feet slowly and saw Ms. Gregory hovering by the door giving him a beckoning nod. He walked into the kitchen and sat at the table across from where her pad lay. She sat down across from him and attempted a smile that could be considered human. She nearly succeeded.

"So... Ponyboy." the way she pronounced his name made it almost seemed foreign. "How has it been living with your brothers so far?" As though it was a new development; him living with his brother, he thought to himself.

"Fine." He replied, not sure what kind of answer was expected of him. "Real... real good."

"No problems?" she asked, watching him with focused eyes. He shook his head, trying to remember how he'd answered that question when there really had been no problems. He needed to sound genuine after all.

"How do your brothers treat you?"

"The same as always I suppose." She blinked a bit, as though his vague answers were setting her off. "Umm... Darry's a bit more strict now so I'll keep my grades up."

"So in what ways is he strict?" she asked, finally tearing her eyes away from him so she could write down what he had said.

"He... doesn't let me go out on school nights until my homework is done." She gave no signal to him that his answer had been acceptable so he didn't know whether to continue or not.

"And he goes over my math homework with me every night and makes me redo the problems I get wrong." That was good, right? Would that make Darry seem responsible?

"And how are your grades?" she would have made a better interrogator than social worker.

"Good."

"Just good?" a slight ridge was created between her eyebrows.

"Umm, I got a B in algebra, but everything else was an A." His last report card had come two months ago. He was sure the same couldn't be said for his latest one.

"What about your other brother Sodapop? How do you get along with him?" she asked.

"Great." He managed some assurance with that statement that made her raise her eyebrows. Everything else had held a tone of uncertainty so he was unsurprised by the shift in her expression.

"How have you been coping since your parents died?" The way she asked him, so out of the blue and insensitively, he blinked a few times and swallowed a hint of anger. One minute she was asking him how he got along with his brother and then to bring up his parents so suddenly was a bit off-putting, but he had almost come to expect this from the state. Everything was business with them.

"All right, I suppose." She didn't react to his answer or look at him as if to elaborate, so he didn't. He wasn't sure how he would be expected to respond to this kind of questioning.

"Ponyboy, how did you get that cut on your temple?" Darry had taken the stitches out of it, but it had yet to completely heal itself.

He told her the truth – well most of it. He didn't mention the nightmare he'd had, only stating that he'd rolled out of bed and cracked his head against the nightstand. He made sure to tell her that it had been moved to prevent any further injury. She seemed satisfied by his answer because she didn't press the issue, but it was hard to tell by looking at her expression.

He was used to being given rather callous questions and not a lot of feedback for his responses. Normally he could expect to finish his interview feeling more perplexed than he had at first, but nothing ever came of it and he didn't fear being taken away for not gushing about his home life anymore.

The questions continued like that; oddly personal and emotional questions that were delivered in an impassive manner. It gave him something of a squirmy feeling in his stomach.

He allowed himself to relax, as she finally seemed to come to an end to the infinite supply of questions she had for him. She finally asked him the million-dollar question.

"Ponyboy, have either of your brothers ever hurt you in any way? You can be honest without the fear of your brothers getting upset, I assure you." She seemed as though that question was extra serious, but rather than sounding compassionate, her voice seemed almost frightening in its intensity.

"No, neither of them has ever hit me or anything like that," He replied. She seemed to be boring holes into his head by the way she was staring at him as though the truth would be revealed if she stared at him long enough. It was a bit unsettling but he forced himself to keep a straight face and not react in a way that would make him seem like he was hiding anything. She finally relented and, making a final note on her pad, she attempted that humanistic grin again and told him he could go and join his brothers in the living room.

* * *

"She's an alien, Soda. She seriously is!" Pony joked.

"I always wonder how she hides her antennae. And have you noticed how she smells like old mothballs even though she always wears that same old outfit every time she comes?" Soda indulged, snatching a few fries off Pony's plate and dipping them in Darry's shake without blinking. Both his brothers gave him a mock glower.

"Whoa. You both just gave me the same exact look." Soda said, looking at them funny.

"You got grease in my shake."

"Get your own fries!"

Looking between the two of them, Soda could only shake his head with the kind of smile only he could manage. "I don't understand how you two can be so much alike and still not get along." Soda smirked stealing more fries off Pony's plate.

Pony gave Soda a look like he was crazy. He was about to say something, but sneaking a glance at Darry, he saw the same look on his brother's face. Soda gave him a smug look.

"You're crazy." Both Pony and Darry said at once.

* * *

Pony sat on the porch later that night smoking a cigarette. The sun had set almost an hour ago and the stars were beginning to come out. There was nothing particular on his mind and he was content to merely stare into space and enjoy the crisp fall air. There was a slight breeze and he smirked at the fact that he'd remembered his jacket. "Darry would be proud," He thought to himself.

In the near distance he could hear an engine rumbling and his smile broadened as the mustang pulled into their yard. It was odd to see something so out of place. Their beat up old truck sat off to the side with old milk crates and tires littering the ground alongside of it. The shiny new mustang seemed so odd on the dirt path that served as their driveway. As odd it was to see the car, it was much more odd to see Johnny Cade behind the wheel of it.

"Man, you should of seen some of the looks I was getting today," Johnny said, not looking particularly thrilled about it as got out of the car and started walking up the steps to the porch. "Driving around town in this car... I thought Tim Sheppard was gonna throw a fit when I told him Dally gave it to me. He started cussing up a storm."

Pony smiled at him, offering Johnny a cigarette as he sat down on the old porch swing beside him. He could see a frown forming on his friends face though. "Sure wish he hadn't."

"Hmm?" Pony asked.

Johnny gave him a side-glance as he tried to light his cigarette in spite of the breeze. Pony his cupped hands and put them up to block the wind so Johnny could get it lit. "I wish he hadn't given it to me."

They were silent for a while, staring at the car from the porch and admiring it. It felt different somehow, though. It reminded Pony of spoiled little kids and how they wanted and wanted a toy more than anything. After the allure of it wore off, it went right into the bottom of the toy chest with the rest of the things they 'couldn't go without'.

It had seemed so tuff to own a mustang until, here it was. Only it wasn't because they were ungrateful. It just didn't seem right that Johnny had something like this when he didn't even have a proper set of parents. And it didn't seem right to have a new car when it meant they could have Dally.

It was the wanting that was what was important. Not the having.

"I can't even afford to put gas in this thing. I don't know what he was thinking giving it to me." Johnny muttered, speaking candidly.

"It was just one more thing they would have taken from him when they got ahold of him." Pony said quietly. "He knew he'd better spend it real quick and get rid of it. He'll probably ask for it back when he gets out."

"Cause I'm sure that'll be soon." Johnny scowled.

"Listen, I think we should go see him tomorrow." Pony said, tiredly. Johnny looked at him sharply, but said nothing. Standing up, he tossed his almost finished cigarette over the railing. He stared out at nothing for a long while but finally, sparing a glance at Pony, he nodded. He didn't say a word as he opened the screen door and let it slap shut behind him.

"We can say goodbye." He said to nobody before letting his cigarette join Johnny's in the tall weeds and overgrown grass.

* * *

A/N: I may have a one-shot in the works. Keep your eye out for it.


	24. Chapter 24

Yeah, I know, it's been 2 months... Two busy, insane months. Mainly the reason for the delay is because I'm trying to see if there will be one or two or maybe even three chapters that I could squeeze out before this story ends. I'm making sure I tie up all my loose ends and all. I haven't abandoned this yet.

* * *

**Heaven Forbid**

Pony didn't particularly care to tell Darry that they were going to be visiting Dally. This was something he needed to do rather than preferred to. He couldn't risk his brother stopping the entire thing before they could even get out of the door. Inevitably, he knew his brother would most-likely find out. He reasoned that it was much easier to earn someone's forgiveness than their permission.

Johnny seemed to be in a mood and hardly picked at his breakfast. He sat sulking in his chair paying no attention to anyone.

Pony felt anxiety all over and had hardly slept the night before. He'd tossed and turned so much that Soda had threatened to throw him out of their room. Pony tried to convince himself his brother had been joking, but he did have to get to work early the next morning and he felt bad so he'd grabbed a pillow and had slept on the couch. He'd nearly been squashed to death later when Steve had stumbled in hacked off and cursing out his dad and hadn't seen him laying there.

He didn't think Steve would mind sleeping on the floor, what with it being Pony's house and him having more right to the couch, but he'd staggered into Darry's room half asleep without thinking about it and had managed to not wake his brother, who had once slept through a tornado tearing down their street. At times it seemed like his brother had selective hearing. He'd almost always woke up if Pony had a nightmare or his alarm was going off, but had become almost immune to the loudness of the radio, the television and the restless bunch of greasers that occupied their house.

He'd been poked awake later by Darry who wanted to know what he was doing in his bed, and had brushed him off and rolled over and hadn't been bothered again until nearly 10 O'clock when Darry had insisted that he get up for the day.

He still felt tired as he sat down for breakfast and he opted for coffee instead of orange juice or chocolate milk.

"Soda, go easy on the cornflakes. I'm making a meatloaf tonight." Soda drained the milk from the bowl and served himself a piece of chocolate cake. Things had gotten tough with the bills with so many mouths to feed. He'd overheard Darry mumbling and griping as he'd attempted to balance his checkbook the previous night. The bills were getting paid, but just barely. "We might as well call this place the Curtis soup kitchen. I've got two brothers and I'm feeding six mouths."

He knew Darry had no problem with it and wouldn't have said it if he'd known Pony was within earshot, but it still made him feel bad.

"Darry, me and Johnny are gonna go out. Do you mind?" Pony asked, keeping his voice static as he spread some jam on toast. He could feel his brother's eyes on him without even looking up.

"Where?" Darry asked.

"Just driving around. Figured we'd break in the new car." Johnny looked up startled, not having heard the word 'in'. Pony gave him a smirk and he realized his mistake and grinned good-naturedly.

"Just don't get into any trouble." Pony figured Darry was none to happy with the idea of Dallas giving Johnny a car, but he'd said nothing about it. Johnny was uncomfortable enough with the idea and no one wanted to make him feel alienated by it. Darry looked at him hard. "I mean it, Pony. No trouble, you got that?"

Pony nodded, hoping he could fulfill that promise.

* * *

"What do you think of the idea of the two of us hunting down some jobs?" Pony asked as Johnny flipped on his left turn signal as he turned onto Pruett. He was glad Johnny knew where the jailhouse was, 'cause he'd never been there.

Johnny quickly glanced at him and smirked. "I'd been thinking about that some. I figure if I'm gonna keep hanging out around your house I oughta be helping out with the bills. Plus I've got about half a tank of gas left from Dally, and I figure this car wouldn't be doing much good as an ornament on your lawn."

"I know things are pretty tight. I was thinking the same thing. I figure between the two of us we gotta look at least 15. I say we go check the places on the strip or on Sutton."

"I dunno, Pony. We've been goofing off a lot round those parts. Anybody that recognizes us won't be too keen on giving us a job.

He was right. No one with common sense would be able to justify giving a job to the kids who walked around their stores eying things up like they were gonna steal them.

"We could try the A&P... I've seen greasers that work there; bag boys and stuff. They're not too picky about who they'll hire." Johnny took a pull from his cigarette, looking thoughtful. Finally he nodded.

Pony stopped paying attention to where they were, thinking about all the possibilities for jobs they could get. He was brought out of his thoughts as the engine turned off and Johnny gave him a light shove on the shoulder to get his attention. Pony realized they were at the county jail.

"Come on, Pone. It's now or never." Pony hadn't put much thought into how he looked, but as they slouched into the building he couldn't help feeling like they were going to get some pretty nasty looks. The fuzz made him nervous enough when he was on the streets, but he was mighty edgy going to see someone looking at a murder sentence when he was dressed just like him.

Johnny seemed equally uncomfortable but they both toughened their faces, just enough to seem like they didn't care but not so much that they would be taken for hoods.

They told the cop behind the desk what they were there for and he gave them a hard look. Pony tried to look as old as possible. He was exactly sure how go about it but apparently it worked because the fat policeman nodded and had someone take them back.

They were led to a room with cinderblock walls and sat down in hard wooden chairs. Dallas was escorted into the room looking disgruntled and hard faced. His look didn't improve when he saw who his visitors were. He sat down across the table from them and they were left with only a guard standing by the doorway.

"Your brother know your here?" Dal growled, leaning back in the chair so the front two legs raised off the floor.

Pony and Johnny shifted uncomfortably; Pony found himself suddenly wishing for a sheet of glass between them like there was in the movies. Pony got brave and spoke up. "N- no."

"Kid you shouldn't be here. The state's gonna give you hell if they find out."

"Yeah, well, come to think of it you shouldn't be here neither." Pony didn't know where his bravery was coming from but along with it was anger. And shame.

Dally's eyes narrowed and his lips twitched. Johnny, sensing the tension, spoke up. "Hey, Dal, we got something for you. Why don't I run out to the car and get it?"

Johnny took off slowly, knowing Pony needed to talk to Dallas in private. He knew Johnny would take his time getting it.

"Why did you do it, man?" Pony asked. He was nervous, wishing he could smoke or bite his nails, but he held his own. He needed a serious answer.

Dallas stared at him for a long while. Pony knew he was thinking hard about his answer, but to an outsider, his expression would seem blank and uncaring. Dally was rubbing at the stubble that had all ready begun to grow on his face.

"Kid, you had a lot of shit done to you that ain't right. Same as all of us have. Your brother would have done anything for you. He says different, but he would have killed that guy. Maybe not that night, but he would have." Pony opened his mouth to protest but Dally shook his head.

"You don't know. I knew. I knew what he was going through. That asshole wasn't gonna stop giving you a hard time until one of the two you were dead. I wasn't going to see you and your brothers split up because of him."

"Dal... you're looking at a life sentence..."

"Yeah, well, so were you. And out of the two of us, I'd rather it be me anyway. I'd end up in here or dead sooner or later."

Pony wanted so much to correct him. To be able to tell him he'd had a life that he'd given up. Tell him he should never had done anything so stupid. Anything that would remove the massive weight of guilt and responsibility from his shoulders. Everyone was riding on him to be the one that made it out of there and made something of himself. His brother had given up his shot at college and a life of his own. Soda had given up on school all together to pay the bills. Now Dally was giving up his freedom.

"It ain't your fault." Dallas said unexpectedly.

"What?" Pony asked, trying to shake off his surprise.

"That's why you came. Don't act like it ain't. You needed to hear it. So you could get on with your life. So all right, I'll tell you. It ain't your fault. You didn't ask for any of this shit. And you didn't ask for me to do that for you. I made my decision. I don't regret it neither. And if I don't regret it, you sure as hell better not. You spend the rest of your life feeling guilty about all this shit that happened and thinking it was your fault then it wasn't worth going to prison over, was it? If you want to make it up to me and your brothers cause you think you did something wrong, then I'll tell you what you need to do. You get your life together and you live it right. No more of this moping around feeling sorry for yourself shit."

Pony looked at his knuckles for a long while. It didn't feel right, nothing felt right about it. Yet, somehow, out of everyone that had told him the exact same thing, it was Dallas Winston who really made him hear it.

Johnny, who Pony could only guess had been waiting for an opening, showed up holding a carton of Kools.

Taking the carton from Johnny, Pony pushed it under the glass towards Dallas. "You'll need em, Dal."

"Thanks." The tow-headed greaser nodded towards them.

"Try and make them last you the rest of your sentence." Dally let out a laugh and Pony got to his feet. "I'll visit you. Honest to God, I will Dal."

"Hey, Johnny, stick around, will ya? I want to talk to you about that car." Johnny nodded. Pony took a good long look at his friend, knowing it would be the last time for a while.

"Bye Dal."

"See ya Ponyboy."

Pony nodded at him and, getting to his feet, he walked to Johnny, saying he would be in the car.

He sat in the passenger seat of the mustang for a long while, waiting for Johnny to get out. He knew everything was going to change. He couldn't really go back to the life he'd lead before all of this had taken place. How could he? He wasn't that daydreamer with the big ideas anymore. But he hoped that it wouldn't all be bad. He still had his brothers looking out for him. He still had Johnny, and he knew that even if he couldn't forget what had happened, the rest of the world eventually would. Fickler was dead. He couldn't make himself feel sorry about it. But for everything that the man had done to him, he couldn't hate him either. He felt a sort of nothing for him and his friends. The way he reasoned it, they had felt nothing for him – he had been someone to be used and forgotten about. He had been tormented and bragged about as an afterthought and after worrying and crying over it for so long, he was ready to do the same. To put it behind him.

* * *

A/N: Okay, well, I have 16 days left before I'm off to college. I dunno how much time there will be to write there, but I promise I'll finish this story. Thanks for sticking with me for so long.


	25. Chapter 25

Did you think you'd ever see this again? Anyway, enjoy the last chapter.

* * *

**Heaven Forbid**

Darry wouldn't let any of them go to the trial. The state didn't approve of their close association with Dallas Winston to begin and to be seen at his trial was suspicious.

The oldest Curtis stayed up all that night waiting for the news in nervous expectation. Pony lay on the couch, eyes half open watching him pace and fidget with an energy that wore him out and made him anxious. Johnny had faded early on the other side, curled in a ball. It wasn't cold but he was wearing his old jean jacket anyway overtop of an old tee shirt too big for even Sodapop. Pony supposed it offered him a sense of security.

Soda was the only one sleeping soundly in bed, not seeming to grasp what this meant. How important this was for them. He knew Johnny was horrified by the idea of Dallas going away for good. After everything that had happened and all of the ways that Johnny had changed – grown brave and able to take responsibility for himself – and all the ways he had come to look at the world, Dallas would always be a hero to him; perhaps more now by his actions.

Dally was pleading guilty. Saying he got drunk and saw the soc had pulled out a knife and thought he was gone for. He'd only stabbed him because he thought he was gonna be stabbed himself. He was riding on the judge taking pity on him seeing it as overzealous self-defense. With his record and the fact that everyone in Tulsa knew who Dallas Winston was and how much he hated socs, it was a long shot.

They knew he wasn't going to break down and tell the truth, but Darry didn't have the strength to believe wholeheartedly in anything anymore. Just the idea of a single slip – a mention of their name or involvement – and someone would be knocking on their door first thing the next morning. That was what Darry was scared of the most. For everything Dally had done to save their family from being torn apart, nothing was over until the trial was. And even then, the possibilities were endless.

Pony was thankful he was able to shut off his brain to the risks that someone would find out and would take him away, but sometimes he wondered how Darry was able to sleep at night knowing every potential opportunity had and would cross his brother's mind unchecked. He saw how ragged Darry looked when he came in every day after work and wondered if he was working himself extra hard just so that he could take his mind off of them and be able to rest from exhaustion.

The three of them, all consumed by the helplessness of their situation, felt the heaviness of Dallas Winston's actions and consequences that arose from it. But somehow, no one considered it the wrong thing to have done. Dallas was an unsung hero if ever there was one.

He was finally unable to think about the possibilities any longer and fell asleep half on and half off the couch.

* * *

"Wake up Curtises!" Two-Bit called as he let the screen door shut behind him. "Johnny! Up and at 'em!"

Pony processed the words after a few moments and immediately lifted his head to look for a grin or something worthy of building hope over. Two-Bit didn't look happy though. He was loud as all get out but it didn't mean it was because he was in a good mood.

"Paper here?" Darry asked groggily but Pony wasn't immediately sure it was because he had just woken up. Darry looked like he hadn't gotten a wink of sleep. He didn't know how he was going to deal with work today. He really hoped he didn't have any trouble that got him hurt.

"Yeah..." Two-Bit said quieting slightly, handing Darry the paper he had kept in the back of the waistband of his jeans. "I haven't looked yet."

Darry unfolded the paper, flipping through it for the story. There was a tense silence in which a bedraggled Soda came out of his room in his underwear and Johnny awoke fully.

Darry looked up at them all when he was done. "He got 11 years. It's better than I might have expected."

Pony let out a breath, unsure of whether to be pleased or dissatisfied with the news. Sure, Dallas hadn't gotten life in prison, but 11 years was a long time to sit and rot in jail.

"Not terrible..." Two-Bit agreed.

'He'll be 29..." Johnny said quietly, sighing.

* * *

It was weeks later before Pony finally began to wonder if it was safe to wonder if things would stay peaceful. It didn't seem like there would ever be a moment when he'd be able to relax and not ear what was to come. Still, things had quieted down and he felt as though they might stay that way for a while. Still, something was gnawing at him.

"If you leave...." Pony said, finally voicing his fears. "Will you take me with you?" Pony and Johnny sat out on the porch finishing their cigarettes before they would head to bed.

Johnny turned to look at him slowly. It was odd. His eyes didn't hold that kicked look any longer. Yet they weren't hard and uncaring either. They held an understanding for all the world had to offer. And acceptance.

"I'm not going anywhere for a while, Pony," Johnny admit. "And if and when I do go... you can come with me."

"I'm scared..." Pony confessed candidly. "I'm afraid I'll wake up in the middle of the night and you'll be gone."

"I would never do that to you Pone." Johnny replied, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"But I'm also worried that you're not happy here. That you want to leave. That I'm holding you back." He turned away suddenly, feeling afraid to say what he had to say, and not wanting to be selfish. He took a last draw from his cigarette, mustering his courage. "You don't have to if you don't want to. Stay, I mean. You're just as much a brother to me as Darry and Soda but... you aren't really, and you don't have to feel obligated to stick around if you don't want to."

Johnny seemed surprised to hear him speaking so bluntly. He was a bit surprised himself. He felt his cheeks flush. He didn't know if what he was saying would be hurtful or not. He knew Darry had given up a lot to take care of them and didn't want that for his friend even if it meant losing someone important to him.

"I'd be giving up my family if I left." Pony scowled at the mention of Johnny's 'family' but Johnny's soft smile stopped him from remarking. "And families stick together, right?"

"Yeah. They do. Look... this is gonna sound weird, but," Pony looked at him with half a smirk as though he was laughing at himself and half a meaningful look. "I love ya, Johnny."

Johnny snorted but returned his smirk and looked pleased. "Yeah, I love you too Pony." He shook his head. "Glory, Dally would skin both of us if he were here to hear this."

Pony punched him in the shoulder playfully and Johnny punched him back and soon they had dissolved into an all out wrestling match. For once Pony didn't hold back knowing his friend was covered in bruises. For once, there were no bruises.

* * *

One day, though, Johnny was bruised. He came in, supported by Two-Bit with a black eye and fat lip. Two-Bit looked nearly unscathed with only a slight wince when he walked. The arm that wasn't across Johnny's back was wrapped around his own stomach.

Pony glanced at Soda who got up from the couch to get the first-aid kit without being told. "You guys okay?" he asked.

"Peachy..." Two-Bit responded nearly chucking Johnny on the couch next to Pony before collapsing in the armchair.

"What ha-" Two-Bit seemed to have suddenly regained his energy and interrupted him.

"Man oh man. You should have seen it Pony." He winced as he sat up but his face was suddenly split in a grin.

"Come on..." Johnny offered meekly.

"Say, you remember that time when we all went to the DX station for lunch? And Johnny yelled at Steve?"

Pony nodded, his eyes suddenly on his friend.

"I didn't think I'd ever see him so angry, but that wasn't nothing compared to how he was today, man." He turned towards Johnny. "I thought you were gonna kill each other."

"Johnny, what happened?" Pony asked, ignoring Two-Bit in favor of an unbiased account.

"It was... it was one of those guys that beat me up... you know. That night." Johnny's voice was almost a whisper and Pony's stomach dropped out at the mention. Things had nearly gone back to normal. It had been nearly a month since anyone had even brought that night up.

Two-Bit's grin promptly slid off his face. "Shoot, I didn't know it was him. I wouldn'ta pulled you off of him if I'd of known."

"Did... did he recognize you or you him?" Pony asked, hoping it was the latter.

"He recognized me. He saw me and said something about you, Pone. And how Dallas killed his friend. He- he said..."

Pony knew what he was going to say but he closed his eyes and prayed he was wrong.

"He said that his friend should have killed you." Pony let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. He was sure the soc was going to swear revenge or even repeat the actions of his friend.

"I don't know what happened. I just started wailing on him." Johnny admit, seeming somewhere between ashamed and scared. His voice dropped noticeably so Two-Bit wouldn't hear. "I told him if he ever came near you again I'd kill him."

"You won't be getting any heat from him again, Johnny. He was nearly crying by the time you got through with him." Two-Bit snickered. Pony almost didn't notice Johnny was shaking his head. Soda came back with the first aid kit, but there wasn't much he could do but clean up the blood on Johnny's lip and give him a bit of ice for it.

"Anything else wrong with you? You sure got a lot of blood on you from a split lip." Johnny didn't have to say anything. The color leaked out of his face and it became clear that the blood wasn't his own.

Johnny shook his head to mollify Soda and Two-Bit eventually staggered out of the house mentioning something about Buck's.

"I meant what I said too. That's what scares me. If you'd have been with me and I'd thought he was going to do anything to you, I'm positive I would be sitting in a cell with Dally right now."

Neither of them said anything for a long while. "He won't bother us again," Pony finally said for both of their benefits. "And his friend probably won't either after he tells him."

"I don't like it, Pony. It's strange, but I don't. I felt like… I felt like I was turning into my old man. I hate fighting. I hate how I feel when I'm fighting with someone."

"This wasn't just some soc kid in a rumble, Johnny. You didn't just beat the tar out of him for the hell of it. Heck, he probably would have come at you if you hadn't done it yourself. You ain't gotta feel bad about it."

"It feels right to feel bad. I can't stand living like this. Either hurt or be hurt. Why can't people just leave other people alone? You think it'll be this way forever Pony?"

"It can't… Everything will change. Things are constantly changing all the time. Nothing stays the same way forever, right? Everything will turn around and then maybe there won't be no fighting at all. There will be so much quiet people won't know what to do with themselves. You'll even start to miss the fighting, I'm sure of it.

"I won't… I won't ever miss it."

* * *

"Toss me the corn, Johnny." Pony said through the canned good section. Bracing himself, he reached up and caught both cans one after another. He looked around, but none of the managers had seen him pull off that stunt. Sometimes he didn't mind acting as crazy as Two-Bit when he knew he couldn't get caught.

After not hearing anything for weeks, they had managed to get an afterschool job at the Thriftway. Months had passed since Johnny had beaten the snot out of that soc. It been months since anything happened, actually.

"You catch it?" Johnny asked from the next aisle over.

"You didn't hear it, didja?" Johnny chuckled.

"I was thinking of heading out to the pen to visit Dallas sometime. He wrote me saying he was low on cigarettes. Says a few cartons go a long way in the cooler." Johnny said while putting a few boxes of cereal away.

Dallas had been in prison for about six months so far. Half a year down, ten and a half to go until he was up for parole.

"I don't know, John, Darry was pretty mad when he found out we went to visit him last time." Leave it to Curly Shepard to see them there and go blabbing it around town. They were lucky their social worker didn't get wind of it; they had too many secrets they were keeping as it was.

"Yeah, I guess that's true. We could send him some in the mail just the same. You got any cereal?"

"Think quick!" Pony said, throwing a box of cornflakes over the aisle.

"Curtis, you better think twice before doing that again, you hear me?" Mr. Peterson shot him a cold look as he passed by. "Stop goofing off Cade." Pony moved aside a few cans of string beans to shoot Johnny an apologetic smirk.

"Yes sir." They said a moment later. Peterson walked off, muttering something about hoods which made Pony choke laughing. Between the six or seven guys the Safeway had employed that weren't over 25, he and Johnny were the only ones that weren't stealing from the register.

"So how do you think you did on your math test?" Pony asked. He'd helped his friend study for nearly two hours the previous night. Johnny was a smart kid; he just didn't like school all that much. He was doing much better now that he didn't have to worry about getting walloped by his dad or having two screaming parents disturbing him while he had to get his homework done. Still, he would never be in the same classes as Pony, and he wasn't likely to get into any colleges, let alone be able to pay for them. Pony could only be glad that his best friend wouldn't end up a high school dropout the same as Soda.

"I'm not real sure. I don't think I failed or anything, but I was the last person done. The teacher kept shooting me looks. Anyway, he oughta be grading on a curve since Two-Bit told me he sold a bunch of fake test answers beforehand.

"Don't take any rides from him for a while; he's bound to be beat up pretty bad when everyone catches wind and wants to get him back."

They finished up stocking their respective aisles and were done for the day. "Payday," Johnny reminded him as they got their coats and books from the longue and headed to the register to pick them up. They both gave Darry half their checks and kept the other half for themselves.

Johnny didn't bother driving to school. He didn't take the mustang out much; it made him nervous to see other greasers giving it envious looks, not to mention that he had a perpetual fear of crashing it. Once Steve had complained at the breakfast table after spending the night on their couch that Johnny had woke him up in the middle of the night before by going out on the porch for a cigarette. Johnny had admitted later that he'd had a dream that someone had stolen his car and he had to check to make sure it was still there.

Usually after work they'd get one of the gang to pick them up or they'd hitch a ride back to the house in time for dinner. They'd worked it out so that they could have the same hours every week by claiming that they were foster brothers. It wasn't all that far from the truth. The store wasn't all the far away – six blocks or so from their school – but Darry still wasn't sure about them walking by themselves. Still, Darry, Soda, and Steve were all working today and Two-Bit's car was broken down again so they were stuck walking until someone they knew picked them up.

"You know what I was thinking about Pony?" Johnny asked, seeming a bit sheepish.

"What's that?" Pony asked looking up from the bottle he'd been kicking down the sidewalk.

"Well, don't laugh. It's sort of stupid. It was just something I was mulling over so-"

"Just tell me, Johnny. Don't you know me well enough to know I ain't gonna make fun?" Pony asked. He felt himself blush red thinking of all the stuff Johnny could have given him hell for but didn't.

"Yeah, I know. I was just thinking… maybe I could become a fireman or something." Johnny nudged the bottle with his toe awkwardly.

"You know," Pony cocked an eyebrow – or tried anyway, "I think that's a pretty great idea, Johnny. Once you graduate high school, you should do just that."

"I gotta get in better shape though. You think I might be able to start running with you when you're practicing for track?" Johnny asked with a hint of shyness in his voice.

"Shoot, I've been telling you that you oughta try out for track for ages. I don't know why you don't just listen to me."

"You know I ain't fast enough for that. I smoke too damn much." Pony would never understand how his friend could be so self-deprecating.

"Johnny, you're not going to make it anywhere with that kind of attitude. You stop telling yourself you can't do stuff and you just see what you might be able to do." Pony gave him half a grin of encouragement.

Johnny looked sheepish, but he nodded, giving him a smirk. "Maybe I will," he said quietly.

They walked in silence for a few blocks. In spite of its location in the middle class part of town, they weren't overly worried they'd run into anyone that wanted to beat on them just for the hell of it. There hadn't been much of that lately. Just like Pony had predicted, there hadn't been a whole lot of mindless fighting in a while. Even if they didn't get along and there was still a rivalry between them, the socs weren't going out of their way to beat anyone up out of boredom. Though no one was quite sure who it was, the word was the Dave Fickler had raped a kid – that was why Dallas Winston murdered him. The rumors had run their course for a while – Pony struggled for a long time to ignore them – but just as everything else did, it became old news fast.

Pony sometimes wondered if that was part of the reason for the sudden peace. Socs were bothered by how far Fickler had taken it. Honestly, he didn't really care much of the reason why, he was just glad it had.

"It's nice, ain't it? Johnny asked, seeming to read his mind. "Being able to walk around without a blade in your back pocket…"

"Yeah, it is nice."

* * *

A/N: Wow, I can't believe it's been 8 months. Jeez I write 24 chapters, I'm an inch away and writers block hits. Wow, that's just sad. Story of my life, though. I'm real sorry I never finished this. I figure you all just sort of forgot about this and I certainly wouldn't blame you. I really appreciate you hanging in there though. You've all been fantastic. To be honest, I'm not real sure I like the ending, but I think I need some closure to this story if I'm ever going to be able to write anything good again. I've got one thing in the works, but it's miles away from being finished. Thank you all for sticking with me.


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